October 9, 1997 was the day that changed my life forever. On that day, I traveled a half hour to a neighboring city so that I could have an abortion. I walked into the hospital pregnant and walked out a totally different person. They say that abortion is a right that every woman should have so she can decide what happens to her own body, but they don't tell you how devastated and full of regret you will be after this "choice". This is the story of how I transformed from a pro-choice person to a full of regret post-abortive woman.
You can read the story that lead up to my abortion here and you can read abortion the actual day of my abortion here. It was the events that I wrote about in those posts that lead me to years of guilt, shame and regret. It is the events in this post, however, that lead me to finding healing and freedom forever.
When I left the hospital that October day, I swore to myself that I would push this abortion so far in the back of my head that I would never think of it again. I was sad that my baby was gone, but I was relieved that this problem was over. I didn't have to face my family again with another unwed pregnancy, I could get out of the relationship with this abusive man, I could start my life anew and never look back. I only had one more thing to do, convince the baby's father that I had a miscarriage.
When he came over and asked where I had been, I told him that I had been in the hospital and that I had a miscarriage. He was sad and said that he wanted to see the baby and bury it. I hadn't expected this but luckily I thought quick and told him that it wasn't possible. He kept trying by telling me that his cousin had a miscarriage and was able to bury the baby. I told him that it was offered to me but that I was too devastated to agree to that and that I had asked them to just do whatever they needed to do with the body. Lying was very easy for me at that time. He didn't want to let it go, but he finally did. He drove away obviously upset, but I didn't care. All I cared about was that he was finally gone. I had won and was away from this evil man for good. I couldn't have been happier!
For two months I went on with life and was able to not think of the abortion at all. I was busy re-building my life when agreed to go to a Christmas play with a co-worker. When we arrived at the church I found out that we were very early because my friend was actually in the play and he had to prepare. So I found a seat and sat there, in an empty church, an hour away from where I lived just waiting for this play to start. People eventually started shuffling in and taking their seats; of course I knew no one so I sat silently by myself. This was not an easy situation for me. Not only had I never been a loner, It terrified me to be alone. I was not a crier at that time but as I sat there so alone, all I wanted to do was cry.
When the play started, I remember watching about fifteen minutes or so of it. Then the most exciting thing happened and I will never forget it. It was like I was in a different world all of the sudden. I was still in the church, and the play was still going on, but I was in a different realm. Then I heard a voice talking to me. The voice asked me if I had had enough of running from Him and living a pitiful existence. I knew the voice to be God. I knew my time of lies and desperation were over. I would give my life over to God and whatever He wanted me to do. Then the tears came as I apologized to God and asked for His forgiveness. I had no right to do so, but He forgave me anyway. He told me that He loved me and that He wanted to pick me up and clean me off. I begged Him to do so. It was the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced!
After that cold but glorious December night, I went home and eventually found a church to get involved in. I started going to a singles group there and met a man who asked me out on a date. I went and we got along great and began dating regularly. One night we went to a Kathy Troccoli concert with another couple. I still had not even brought my abortion up in even the back of m mind yet so I was shocked when I walked in and saw the merchandise for this concert. There was a song called "A Baby's Prayer", it was about an aborted baby who was concerned for his mother. The lyrics of this song was on the back of a t-shirt and when I saw it, I froze. I literally felt my heart stop. "OK God, " I thought, "if you want me to deal with this I will, but please not tonight!"
I couldn't breathe throughout the entire concert. I knew this song was going to come at some point. Finally, I thought the concert was over. The singer sat on the edge of the stage and talked about how much she loved her audience. Then a piano in the background softly started playing Jesus Loves Me. "Oh no, here it comes!" I thought. I had to built my strength up and get through these next few minutes, but that is not what happened. All that I had stuffed down so deep inside me started to come that night. I cried to the point that I couldn't breathe. I tried to get up to go to the bathroom, but I literally couldn't move. Not one muscle in my body would move no matter how hard I willed it to. I wanted to just die right then and there.
At some point, the song and the concert ended and we left. I have very little memory of the time from that night after having cried so hard and fighting so hard to stop, I was exhausted. But when we neared my home, I realized that's I had to say something to my boyfriend about my behavior; surely he noticed and knew I had killed my child and of course, he would no longer be interested in me. I remember telling him and his beautiful eyes showed nothing but love and support. He told me all I needed to do was to "take it back to the cross." Wow, he didn't hate me! I was in awe. Could I really be forgiven of this horrible act?
I spent time talking to my boyfriend and my pastors about this and eventually came to the point where I felt like I was forgiven and that things would be ok. Our local crisis pregnancy center needed a post-abortion group and were wanting to start one and somehow, I had been asked to help start it. I had to go through the group in another city before starting it here, but it was only thirty minutes down the road so that wasn't a big deal. I agree, and went to the group thinking I was healed and just needed to do it to help others. The group was called HEART (Healing the Effects of Abortion Related Trauma) and it didn't take me long to realize that I had so much more healing to do. Going through HEART helped me to find true healing that only God could provide. I named my son and memorialized him. I also developed relationships with other women and realized that I didn't need to hang my head in shame but that there were so many other women struggling with the same thing as I was. I found out that I was not alone and that was the most beautiful realization in the world to me.
I agreed that day that I would use the rest of my life telling my story and helping other women deal with post-abortion trauma. God had not only forgiven me, but He healed me of such pain. I can now think of my son and memorialize him rather than be ashamed. I couldn't keep quiet, and I still can't. I love using my story, and my son's very short life to give God glory and show others how to find hope and healing through Him. I did help start the ministry at my local crisis pregnancy center and have lead others and well. I wrote a book and a Bible study in honor of my son and am in the process of writing my first novel which is a book that gives my son life. I hope to one day be able to work full time in the post-abortion ministry.
I walked into the hospital for my abortion a hurt, scared pregnant girl, I walked out devastated and full of shame. But God chose to not end my story there. He healed me and showed me grace and forgiveness and has allowed me to show others His amazing ways. Oh, and that boyfriend that I was sure would leave me when he found out I had had an abortion, we will celebrate twenty-two years of marriage this year and have raised eight beautiful children together. We have five grandchildren and have twin grand babies on the way. He is my biggest supporter and loves me way more than I deserve. I have truly been blessed so far beyond what I deserve, and I give God all the glory for that.
Saturday, February 8, 2020
The Day My Child Died
Society tells us that abortion is just another medical procedure. No different than having a mole removed, they'll tell you. Not a big deal, you just go in and get it done, you'll feel relieved afterward. However, the reality of abortion is far different than what they tell you. When you go to have an abortion, you walk in unsure but determined to get through this. Then you wait for your turn which feels like an eternity while all you can do is sit there and second guess yourself while desperately wishing they would just hurry up and get this over with. There are different procedures and different experiences; here is my horrific story of my abortion experience.
I was seventeen weeks pregnant when I woke up one morning and decided that I needed to end my pregnancy for the safety of myself and my son. (See that story here). I made the phone calls and everything seemed all too easy. I couldn't go to a clinic because I was so far along in my pregnancy so I went to a doctor in a city about a half hour away from where I lived. I waited in the front area for my appointment and looked around at the few ladies that we in there with me. One was very pregnant and obviously there for her prenatal check up, another was a little older, 40s maybe, then there was me. I was going to an OB GYN to kill my baby. "What is wrong with me?" I thought. I quickly dismissed all the thoughts and reminded myself that this had to be done. I told myself that I needed to just push all emotions down and do this.
Then my name was called. I pushed down all my fears and doubts and walked into the room. The first thing that the nurse did was an ultrasound. She explained that she had to verify how far along I was. The nurse asked me if I wanted to see the ultrasound or if I wanted her to turn the screen. I knew what I would see if I looked at that screen and I was already struggling to keep my emotions at bay so I asked her to turn the screen. I remember how sympathetic she was; she seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being. At the time I thought it was a sweet gesture, now I wonder why; I mean if it was such a simple thing and ok to do, why did she act like I should be sad?
After the ultrasound I saw the doctor. He was very nice and, like the nurse, very sympathetic. He must have asked me a million times if I was sure that this was what I wanted to do. When I assured him that it was, he explained what would happen to me. Funny, I didn't consider it then, but he never explained what would happen to my baby. He made a special point to not make any mention of the baby or even the pregnancy, just what would happen.
I will try to be as gentle as I can with this description, but I think that it is important for this information to be revealed. The first thing that had to be done was laminaria insertion. This would basically start labor for me. It would begin to open my cervix so that the doctor would be able to "empty my uterus". So as a lay there on a cold table, legs spread out and only a thin hospital type gown on, the doctor sat in front of me ready to insert the labor sticks (as I called them to try and find some kind of humor, it didn't work.) the doctor looks at me one more time and says "Are you sure you want to do this? Because if not, there is no going back after I do this." He had asked me that so many times and I couldn't understand why. It was almost as if all of Heaven was trying to get me to stop what I was doing. So once again, I pushed down every emotion in me and told him it was what I wanted.
After the labor sticks were inserted I was sent home to wait. I had to wait until the next day for the abortion. So I had twenty four hours to just sit and think about what I was doing. If I'm being totally honest, I really don't remember much about what I did for the rest of that day. Whatever it was, I just tried to keep my mind off of what was going on inside my body. Just as with any other labor, early pains weren't much. At first I didn't really feel anything at all. Then, later on that night it was just crampy. Ok, I thought, I deserved to have some pain, this wasn't exactly a nice thing that I was doing. Besides, it wasn't too bad, nothing I couldn't handle. It wasn't that bad yet, anyways.
I woke up that next morning ready to get this over with. It was very early in the morning and I have never been much for early mornings so my mind was not quite working yet; I was very thankful for that. We drove the half hour but this time we weren't going to the doctor's office, we were going to the hospital. When I went to check in I was horrified when I found out where I was to report; LABOR AND DELIVERY! "That can't be right!" I said. Ugh, how was I going to get through this, I thought.
When I arrived to the labor and delivery department I was put in a big room with a bunch of other women. They were all laboring and about to give birth to their children, while I was killing mine. But sadly, my story just keeps getting worse. In this room, I laid in labor for a long time. I watched as these other women were getting wheeled out to a delivery room ready to have their babies and begin their lives as a new mother while I laid in pain knowing my child was about to die. The labor became very hard, so hard, in fact that I was ready to push. I looked at my mom and told her that I was terrified that I was going to have to have this baby. I knew that it was only moments before I would be pushing; the pain was so intense I couldn't stand it, and I have a very high tolerance for pain.
Finally they came to get me. I remember being wheeled into the operating room. I looked around and there were so many people walking around the room, busily preparing to kill my child. I didn't know how it would happen, I didn't want to know. It would be years later that I found out the horror that my son experienced. After moving to the operating table I looked up and saw stirrups but they were hanging in the air, I'll never forget that because my mind pictured what my body would like during this procedure. Nothing about this was good, why was I doing this? Then a doctor sat by me and told me he wanted me to count backwards from ten. I remember saying "10... 9...8..." then I was out, and my child's life was over.
I was seventeen weeks pregnant when I woke up one morning and decided that I needed to end my pregnancy for the safety of myself and my son. (See that story here). I made the phone calls and everything seemed all too easy. I couldn't go to a clinic because I was so far along in my pregnancy so I went to a doctor in a city about a half hour away from where I lived. I waited in the front area for my appointment and looked around at the few ladies that we in there with me. One was very pregnant and obviously there for her prenatal check up, another was a little older, 40s maybe, then there was me. I was going to an OB GYN to kill my baby. "What is wrong with me?" I thought. I quickly dismissed all the thoughts and reminded myself that this had to be done. I told myself that I needed to just push all emotions down and do this.
Then my name was called. I pushed down all my fears and doubts and walked into the room. The first thing that the nurse did was an ultrasound. She explained that she had to verify how far along I was. The nurse asked me if I wanted to see the ultrasound or if I wanted her to turn the screen. I knew what I would see if I looked at that screen and I was already struggling to keep my emotions at bay so I asked her to turn the screen. I remember how sympathetic she was; she seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being. At the time I thought it was a sweet gesture, now I wonder why; I mean if it was such a simple thing and ok to do, why did she act like I should be sad?
After the ultrasound I saw the doctor. He was very nice and, like the nurse, very sympathetic. He must have asked me a million times if I was sure that this was what I wanted to do. When I assured him that it was, he explained what would happen to me. Funny, I didn't consider it then, but he never explained what would happen to my baby. He made a special point to not make any mention of the baby or even the pregnancy, just what would happen.
I will try to be as gentle as I can with this description, but I think that it is important for this information to be revealed. The first thing that had to be done was laminaria insertion. This would basically start labor for me. It would begin to open my cervix so that the doctor would be able to "empty my uterus". So as a lay there on a cold table, legs spread out and only a thin hospital type gown on, the doctor sat in front of me ready to insert the labor sticks (as I called them to try and find some kind of humor, it didn't work.) the doctor looks at me one more time and says "Are you sure you want to do this? Because if not, there is no going back after I do this." He had asked me that so many times and I couldn't understand why. It was almost as if all of Heaven was trying to get me to stop what I was doing. So once again, I pushed down every emotion in me and told him it was what I wanted.
After the labor sticks were inserted I was sent home to wait. I had to wait until the next day for the abortion. So I had twenty four hours to just sit and think about what I was doing. If I'm being totally honest, I really don't remember much about what I did for the rest of that day. Whatever it was, I just tried to keep my mind off of what was going on inside my body. Just as with any other labor, early pains weren't much. At first I didn't really feel anything at all. Then, later on that night it was just crampy. Ok, I thought, I deserved to have some pain, this wasn't exactly a nice thing that I was doing. Besides, it wasn't too bad, nothing I couldn't handle. It wasn't that bad yet, anyways.
I woke up that next morning ready to get this over with. It was very early in the morning and I have never been much for early mornings so my mind was not quite working yet; I was very thankful for that. We drove the half hour but this time we weren't going to the doctor's office, we were going to the hospital. When I went to check in I was horrified when I found out where I was to report; LABOR AND DELIVERY! "That can't be right!" I said. Ugh, how was I going to get through this, I thought.
When I arrived to the labor and delivery department I was put in a big room with a bunch of other women. They were all laboring and about to give birth to their children, while I was killing mine. But sadly, my story just keeps getting worse. In this room, I laid in labor for a long time. I watched as these other women were getting wheeled out to a delivery room ready to have their babies and begin their lives as a new mother while I laid in pain knowing my child was about to die. The labor became very hard, so hard, in fact that I was ready to push. I looked at my mom and told her that I was terrified that I was going to have to have this baby. I knew that it was only moments before I would be pushing; the pain was so intense I couldn't stand it, and I have a very high tolerance for pain.
Finally they came to get me. I remember being wheeled into the operating room. I looked around and there were so many people walking around the room, busily preparing to kill my child. I didn't know how it would happen, I didn't want to know. It would be years later that I found out the horror that my son experienced. After moving to the operating table I looked up and saw stirrups but they were hanging in the air, I'll never forget that because my mind pictured what my body would like during this procedure. Nothing about this was good, why was I doing this? Then a doctor sat by me and told me he wanted me to count backwards from ten. I remember saying "10... 9...8..." then I was out, and my child's life was over.
Thursday, February 6, 2020
How My Life Changed Forever
I've talked a lot about my son Joshua and how sorry I am for his death. But I wanted to go a little further and now explain the situation that I was in. Abortion is always a debate, but I have always wanted to share my story to show why it is about much more than a debate or just a "choice". Abortion is so much more than one moment of time or one appointment at a clinic and never thought of again. There are struggles before to lead a woman to that point and a life of shame and regret afterward. Abortion is more than a moment, it is a life-changing event.
For me, my abortion story started when a man brought a single rose to me at work. You know the cheap ones you buy at a gas station? Yeah, that's how desperate I was for attention. He asked me out and I went. We ended up spending a lot of time together after that. I really didn't care much for him, but he gave me attention which I needed and he had a son who I really loved. I didn't really think that I had much of a choice, so I continued the relationship. It was probably one of the lowest times of my life when it should've been the happiest. I had a young son (from a previous relationship) and loved him more than I could express. I had hoped that this man would provide a father figure for my son, but instead he offered nothing but problems.
It wasn't long before I found out that I was pregnant. I had always considered myself pro-choice but also said that I would never do it myself. I thought that women should have a right to decide what happened to her own body, I never allowed myself to consider that pregnancy was about more than just a woman's body. I knew that for myself, I would keep the baby. However, I was growing tired of this relationship. He had become abusive, both physically and emotionally. I had known that his ex-wife had died but I began to believe that he had killed her. Certain things he said led me to believe that he had taken this poor woman's life so that he could keep his son. It took me a while, but I finally got out of the relationship. Then it became worse. He began stalking me and telling me that I could never get away from him because we had a baby together. Then I knew that I only had one way out.
I literally woke up one morning and decided that I would have to have an abortion if I ever wanted away from this man. My child would have to pay the price with his life for my bad choices. I was seventeen weeks pregnant. I knew that my child was a real human life. I had heard his heartbeat. I had felt him grow. I also knew that If I didn't do this now then I would have a lifetime of being this man's captive.
For the safety of my son and the sake of our happiness, I chose to abort my child. I decided that I would push all that I knew about pregnancy and the growth of a child in utero. I would not allow myself to even give one thought to what I was about to do. I told myself that this was what had to be done and that I was going to do it and hold my head up high. So that day I made the phone calls and set up my appointment. I had no idea how my entire world would change from this one "choice".
Thursday, October 17, 2019
The Empty Room
We live in a house that is over 100 years old. It has much character of it's own and I'm sure that it has countless stories of the people who have lived here since it has been built. But my family has owned this house for a little over 14 years now. When we moved in my husband and I had eight children. Two of our children didn't live here but always had a place in our hearts just the same. The other six children were very young when we first unlocked the door of our new home. The youngest was only six months old and the oldest was eight. The carpet was an ugly green shag and the deck had nails popping out but it was our house and we loved it. Many things have changed in these last fourteen years (probably the first of which being that ugly green carpet!), but the most recent change really has my heart sad.
When I became a mom I gave up everything in my life so I could raise my babies. I was so happy to do this. My kids were my world and I wanted them with me every second. Sure they drove me insane like kids do, but I could not get enough of them. I adored them to the point of just thinking of them making my heart burn with love and I still do. But throughout the years nature became my enemy. As the saying goes, I blinked and my children grew up. All but one of my precious "babies" are now adults. They are wonderful, responsible, loving amazing people and I am so very proud of who they have become. I am crazy excited for what the future holds for them and I absolutely love them more than I could ever express. But I am also sad.
Today I am spending time cleaning out one of the two empty bedrooms. I am going to make it my office and plan on spending a lot of time in there writing. I will make it a nice "escape room" for when I am overwhelmed with life and use it often hopefully. But as I am cleaning this room out, today is also like a goodbye to a life I so dearly loved. As I sweep the floor I remember sweeping under a bed, or being frustrated that clothes and toys were once everywhere. I think of how many times I told my teenagers to get the water bottles or fountain pop cups out of there. I remember every place a bed has been in that room and look around at how empty it is now.
I recall when my son's girlfriend broke up with him and how he stayed in bed crying for what seemed like an eternity while I sat outside the door wishing there was something that I could do to take his pain away. Then I pictured my daughter being upset because her boyfriend was being a jerk. I am saddened when I recall sending my precious little ones to this very room to sit and think of how they had been bad. I recall how this was the "coveted room" at one point because since it was the smallest, it usually meant that if it was their room, they were in it alone and no longer sharing a bedroom with a sibling.
This one tiny space in this world holds so many memories, and most of them were taken for granted. We don't think about these things as we are raising our children. It is only when they are gone that the proverbial "light bulb" comes on in our minds. I am so very proud of my babies and am excited for this chapter in their lives. I still have one child at home and I'm sure I will blink again and her last four years as a child will be over and she will "fly out of the nest as well" and I will be excited for her new adventures just as I am for her siblings now. But a part of me is sad. It is almost like a funeral for me today. As I look around this empty room and consider all the life that has filled this room I can't help but be sad because it is gone. Life from this point on will never be the same. All I have left are memories and visits. I will cherish them and hold them so close to my heart until the day that I die.
I will enjoy my new office, but the memories will always be there. I will always think of my children when I am in that room and just how much I adore them and beg God to help them to know how precious and loved they are. I praise God for allowing me to be mommy to these precious eight souls. I will love them and be happy for them always, but there will always be a part of me wishing they were still little and needing me like they did then.
My "nest" is almost empty, but my heart is so full. Funny how we can be so sad and happy at the same time. Time marches on and we have just marched right into a new phase of life. I wasn't really ready for it, but it's here just the same.
When the youngest decided her friends names should be on the door.
The light switch cover they made in VBS one year.
When I became a mom I gave up everything in my life so I could raise my babies. I was so happy to do this. My kids were my world and I wanted them with me every second. Sure they drove me insane like kids do, but I could not get enough of them. I adored them to the point of just thinking of them making my heart burn with love and I still do. But throughout the years nature became my enemy. As the saying goes, I blinked and my children grew up. All but one of my precious "babies" are now adults. They are wonderful, responsible, loving amazing people and I am so very proud of who they have become. I am crazy excited for what the future holds for them and I absolutely love them more than I could ever express. But I am also sad.
Today I am spending time cleaning out one of the two empty bedrooms. I am going to make it my office and plan on spending a lot of time in there writing. I will make it a nice "escape room" for when I am overwhelmed with life and use it often hopefully. But as I am cleaning this room out, today is also like a goodbye to a life I so dearly loved. As I sweep the floor I remember sweeping under a bed, or being frustrated that clothes and toys were once everywhere. I think of how many times I told my teenagers to get the water bottles or fountain pop cups out of there. I remember every place a bed has been in that room and look around at how empty it is now.
I recall when my son's girlfriend broke up with him and how he stayed in bed crying for what seemed like an eternity while I sat outside the door wishing there was something that I could do to take his pain away. Then I pictured my daughter being upset because her boyfriend was being a jerk. I am saddened when I recall sending my precious little ones to this very room to sit and think of how they had been bad. I recall how this was the "coveted room" at one point because since it was the smallest, it usually meant that if it was their room, they were in it alone and no longer sharing a bedroom with a sibling.
This one tiny space in this world holds so many memories, and most of them were taken for granted. We don't think about these things as we are raising our children. It is only when they are gone that the proverbial "light bulb" comes on in our minds. I am so very proud of my babies and am excited for this chapter in their lives. I still have one child at home and I'm sure I will blink again and her last four years as a child will be over and she will "fly out of the nest as well" and I will be excited for her new adventures just as I am for her siblings now. But a part of me is sad. It is almost like a funeral for me today. As I look around this empty room and consider all the life that has filled this room I can't help but be sad because it is gone. Life from this point on will never be the same. All I have left are memories and visits. I will cherish them and hold them so close to my heart until the day that I die.
I will enjoy my new office, but the memories will always be there. I will always think of my children when I am in that room and just how much I adore them and beg God to help them to know how precious and loved they are. I praise God for allowing me to be mommy to these precious eight souls. I will love them and be happy for them always, but there will always be a part of me wishing they were still little and needing me like they did then.
My "nest" is almost empty, but my heart is so full. Funny how we can be so sad and happy at the same time. Time marches on and we have just marched right into a new phase of life. I wasn't really ready for it, but it's here just the same.
When the youngest decided her friends names should be on the door. 
The light switch cover they made in VBS one year. Wednesday, June 12, 2019
No Time for Dreams
I am like any other person. I have dreams that I'd love to spend all of my time chasing, and I have a job and responsibilities that keep me from doing such. I get sad and think, "I wish I had more time". I get tired we I get home from work and sit on the couch zoning out on my phone when I could be chasing my dream. Like everyone, we have things to do and responsibilities to take care of that have to come before dreams. There is nothing wrong with that, it's called being an adult. But it can be frustrating. It can be plain ole' depressing! Even in the midst of discouragement, I have to remind myself to just keep moving. That is the point of this post. JUST KEEP GOING!
I do think that we (our American society) have allowed ourselves to become drained with busyness. We keep ourselves so occupied that we don't have time for anything anymore, not ourselves and not for others. This needs to change. We have to find some ways to de-stress and (I think even more of the issue) re-prioritize. It honestly feels like we are in a dream and just spinning wheels to get through life. I'm pretty sure that it was never intended to be this way. We (and I am speaking to myself just as much as anyone else who listens) need to stop treading water and start living life. Get our eyes off the phones and out of social media and get back to just plain social.
Now, understand that I realize that things in our digital age can be good. As I type this blog post, I have tabs open with my email and Facebook and am messaging a friend. That's good. All I am saying is that we (and when I say we I most definitely mean ME) need to prioritize and not let ourselves get completely wrapped up in everything to the point of not living any other part of life.
For the things that keep me from my dreams outside of electronics, I have many excuses. Most are even valid excuses. I'm exhausted from life. I have physical, mental and emotional things that keep me from doing the things that I love. So the question become how bad do I want this? It is time for me to pull out my stubbornness and keep pushing. It may be ten years before anyone notices my writing or it could be today. Maybe it will be this post that finally gets me noticed as an author. Maybe it will be a while longer. I don't know. But I will never know if I don't keep trying.
I let myself get discouraged way too often. I'm sharing this with you because maybe you do too. We can't focus on the bad. We have to just keep going. We make time for what we really want to do. It's time for my dream to be more important than staring at my phone. It's time for me to write even if I have a headache and have no clue what to write about. It's time for me to stop listening to that annoying little voice in my head that tells me that I will never be good enough. Is it time for you to do these things as well? Let's talk! Comment on this blog post and let's start a conversation. Let's start lifting each other up and encouraging one another.
I do think that we (our American society) have allowed ourselves to become drained with busyness. We keep ourselves so occupied that we don't have time for anything anymore, not ourselves and not for others. This needs to change. We have to find some ways to de-stress and (I think even more of the issue) re-prioritize. It honestly feels like we are in a dream and just spinning wheels to get through life. I'm pretty sure that it was never intended to be this way. We (and I am speaking to myself just as much as anyone else who listens) need to stop treading water and start living life. Get our eyes off the phones and out of social media and get back to just plain social.
Now, understand that I realize that things in our digital age can be good. As I type this blog post, I have tabs open with my email and Facebook and am messaging a friend. That's good. All I am saying is that we (and when I say we I most definitely mean ME) need to prioritize and not let ourselves get completely wrapped up in everything to the point of not living any other part of life.
For the things that keep me from my dreams outside of electronics, I have many excuses. Most are even valid excuses. I'm exhausted from life. I have physical, mental and emotional things that keep me from doing the things that I love. So the question become how bad do I want this? It is time for me to pull out my stubbornness and keep pushing. It may be ten years before anyone notices my writing or it could be today. Maybe it will be this post that finally gets me noticed as an author. Maybe it will be a while longer. I don't know. But I will never know if I don't keep trying.
I let myself get discouraged way too often. I'm sharing this with you because maybe you do too. We can't focus on the bad. We have to just keep going. We make time for what we really want to do. It's time for my dream to be more important than staring at my phone. It's time for me to write even if I have a headache and have no clue what to write about. It's time for me to stop listening to that annoying little voice in my head that tells me that I will never be good enough. Is it time for you to do these things as well? Let's talk! Comment on this blog post and let's start a conversation. Let's start lifting each other up and encouraging one another.
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Post-Abortion Trauma; Real or Myth?
I can answer this question very quickly; YES IT'S VERY REAL!
Am I a scientist who has done years of research and has spent a ton of money gaining a lot of different degrees? Nope. Then how can I be so sure that post-abortion trauma is real? Who am I to stand up and speak about such a thing if I don't have those credentials some might ask. Well let me tell you how I am and maybe it will shock you if I said that I have more of a right to speak this truth.
How do I know that post-abortion Trauma is real? Because I have suffered from it for 21 years.
I woke up one morning at 17 weeks pregnant and decided that I needed to have an abortion. I made a few quick phone calls and BOOM, it was done. My child was dead, I was no longer pregnant and I thought that my "problem" was over. I have never been more wrong in my life.
I was able to stuff down what I had done for a few months. I refused to think about it and I moved on with my life. But then one day it hit me like a building had collapsed on me. I could no longer hide behind "my choice" but was faced with reality. Guilt. Shame. Regret. Sadness. Anxiety. So much more that I could not bear.
Now, I should probably stop and explain that I did not have a good childhood. I suffered many things growing up and I learned very early on how to hide my feelings and push things down. I was very good at it. I didn't even let people see me cry.. EVER! I say this so you understand, I am no "softie". I do not let things get to me. But this monster known as a past abortion was more than I could handle. When I started putting all of my feelings together I realized that it had seeped into every part of my being and was coming out in ways that I didn't even know.
Praise God, I found healing through an amazing group that helped me work through my guilt and shame. I will focus more on that story in another post, but I want you to know that post-abortion trauma is without a doubt real.
Why do people work so hard to try to say that it is a myth? If it is so real then why is it such a big deal to the other side? That is simple. If people admit that post-abortion trauma is real then they have to start admitting that there might be something wrong with this big money-maker. They have to say that it's imagination because if they admit that it's real then it's more than just a "choice" and more than a blob of tissue.
I have suffered from post-abortion trauma and can tell you that it is hell. I have helped many others overcome by the grace of God and have not only experienced it but seen it in countless others. It is time that we take a stand and let the world know that this is a real thing and help those suffering from it to overcome. Our voice is what will help them step out of their shame. It's time to stand!
Am I a scientist who has done years of research and has spent a ton of money gaining a lot of different degrees? Nope. Then how can I be so sure that post-abortion trauma is real? Who am I to stand up and speak about such a thing if I don't have those credentials some might ask. Well let me tell you how I am and maybe it will shock you if I said that I have more of a right to speak this truth.
How do I know that post-abortion Trauma is real? Because I have suffered from it for 21 years.
I woke up one morning at 17 weeks pregnant and decided that I needed to have an abortion. I made a few quick phone calls and BOOM, it was done. My child was dead, I was no longer pregnant and I thought that my "problem" was over. I have never been more wrong in my life.
I was able to stuff down what I had done for a few months. I refused to think about it and I moved on with my life. But then one day it hit me like a building had collapsed on me. I could no longer hide behind "my choice" but was faced with reality. Guilt. Shame. Regret. Sadness. Anxiety. So much more that I could not bear.
Now, I should probably stop and explain that I did not have a good childhood. I suffered many things growing up and I learned very early on how to hide my feelings and push things down. I was very good at it. I didn't even let people see me cry.. EVER! I say this so you understand, I am no "softie". I do not let things get to me. But this monster known as a past abortion was more than I could handle. When I started putting all of my feelings together I realized that it had seeped into every part of my being and was coming out in ways that I didn't even know.
Praise God, I found healing through an amazing group that helped me work through my guilt and shame. I will focus more on that story in another post, but I want you to know that post-abortion trauma is without a doubt real.
Why do people work so hard to try to say that it is a myth? If it is so real then why is it such a big deal to the other side? That is simple. If people admit that post-abortion trauma is real then they have to start admitting that there might be something wrong with this big money-maker. They have to say that it's imagination because if they admit that it's real then it's more than just a "choice" and more than a blob of tissue.
I have suffered from post-abortion trauma and can tell you that it is hell. I have helped many others overcome by the grace of God and have not only experienced it but seen it in countless others. It is time that we take a stand and let the world know that this is a real thing and help those suffering from it to overcome. Our voice is what will help them step out of their shame. It's time to stand!
Thursday, March 14, 2019
When I Believed it was My Body, My Choice
In my younger days, I (like most people) thought that I had it all figured out. I understood the ways of the world and came to my own conclusions on matters. One matter that I thought that I understood was the debate on abortion that said it was my body, therefore my choice. I always stood for women's rights and said that I would never have one myself but was certain that abortion was ok if a woman wished to do so.
I remember my brother and I would pass by a church that always had a bunch of small, white wooden crosses in their front yard and a sign stating that these crosses were for the innocent lives lost to abortion. We would roll our eyes and talk about how mad it made us that these people would try and make people feel bad for a choice that they needed to do. We were certain that this church, along with anyone else who spoke against abortion were just judgmental old people who just needed to "get over themselves".
I was very set in my mind that abortion was ok. I always knew that I couldn't do it myself, but wanted all other women to be able to make that choice for themselves. It only took the events of one day to change my mind.
October 9, 1997. The day that changed my entire life forever.
On this dreadful day, I walked into St. Ann's hospital in Columbus, Ohio pregnant. I walked out hours later having made the "choice" to do to "my body" whatever I wished. I allowed a doctor to "remove my pregnancy" or in more realistic words, take my child out of my womb where he could no longer have a chance at life. I was seventeen weeks pregnant. My son, Joshua was gone forever.
The events of this day taught me that it was not simply "my body". I learned the hard way that abortion is about so much more than a simple choice. I did not have a child to bring home with me, instead I carried guilt and shame. Before his death, I felt my child move around inside my body, now everything in me felt as dead as he was. Hopeless. Shameful. Surrounded by a cloud of sadness.
It is common knowledge that a person can't fully understand something unless they have gone through it themselves. With that said, please heed my words and let me tell you that abortion is not a simple choice. For those pushing it, it is a money maker. They don't see care for these precious women, they see money signs.
I have done some research on the actual procedure that was done on me. That October day, I did not simply have the doctor perform a procedure on me. He did not take out an appendage or do anything for the benefit of my health. He literally killed my child and removed him from my womb. Think on that for a minute and really let that sink in. I will not describe the exact procedure at this time because there might not be some who can handle it; it is very gruesome. I may at another time with some warnings before reading it. Trust me, I wish I didn't know the horror that my son experienced from the perceived "safety" of my womb.
While I won't describe the actual acts, I think that it is important for everyone to really think about what abortion really is. Don't believe the lies of "it's just a choice" but think on what actually happens. I didn't understand it until I went through it. My son had to die for me to understand. It is time that we stand for the innocent and break through the lies that are being preached.
Abortion is not about my body at all. It is not about my health. It is about death. Abortion should not be an option, as it is not an answer.
I remember my brother and I would pass by a church that always had a bunch of small, white wooden crosses in their front yard and a sign stating that these crosses were for the innocent lives lost to abortion. We would roll our eyes and talk about how mad it made us that these people would try and make people feel bad for a choice that they needed to do. We were certain that this church, along with anyone else who spoke against abortion were just judgmental old people who just needed to "get over themselves".
I was very set in my mind that abortion was ok. I always knew that I couldn't do it myself, but wanted all other women to be able to make that choice for themselves. It only took the events of one day to change my mind.
October 9, 1997. The day that changed my entire life forever.
On this dreadful day, I walked into St. Ann's hospital in Columbus, Ohio pregnant. I walked out hours later having made the "choice" to do to "my body" whatever I wished. I allowed a doctor to "remove my pregnancy" or in more realistic words, take my child out of my womb where he could no longer have a chance at life. I was seventeen weeks pregnant. My son, Joshua was gone forever.
The events of this day taught me that it was not simply "my body". I learned the hard way that abortion is about so much more than a simple choice. I did not have a child to bring home with me, instead I carried guilt and shame. Before his death, I felt my child move around inside my body, now everything in me felt as dead as he was. Hopeless. Shameful. Surrounded by a cloud of sadness.
It is common knowledge that a person can't fully understand something unless they have gone through it themselves. With that said, please heed my words and let me tell you that abortion is not a simple choice. For those pushing it, it is a money maker. They don't see care for these precious women, they see money signs.
I have done some research on the actual procedure that was done on me. That October day, I did not simply have the doctor perform a procedure on me. He did not take out an appendage or do anything for the benefit of my health. He literally killed my child and removed him from my womb. Think on that for a minute and really let that sink in. I will not describe the exact procedure at this time because there might not be some who can handle it; it is very gruesome. I may at another time with some warnings before reading it. Trust me, I wish I didn't know the horror that my son experienced from the perceived "safety" of my womb.
While I won't describe the actual acts, I think that it is important for everyone to really think about what abortion really is. Don't believe the lies of "it's just a choice" but think on what actually happens. I didn't understand it until I went through it. My son had to die for me to understand. It is time that we stand for the innocent and break through the lies that are being preached.
Abortion is not about my body at all. It is not about my health. It is about death. Abortion should not be an option, as it is not an answer.
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