Though I live my life as an open book for the most part, there are things that not a lot of people know about me. I have lived the majority of my life with something deep inside me that I could not explain. Something that I did not even understand myself. Something that I have never been able to control and always hated about myself. Some unknown, uncontrollable, in-named monster his deep inside my soul and reared it's ugly head whenever it wanted to. I had now way to fight it. It scared me terribly!
When I was a little girl, I just thought that I was sad all of the time because of my circumstances. That is partly true, so it was easy to believe. I didn't have a very happy childhood and I did not have a lot of friends so when this uncontrollable sadness would well up from deep within I didn't question it. I didn't know what to do about it, but I figured it was just a part of life.
My teen years weren't much better. I moved to a different town and created an entirely new life. I said I wasn't going to allow myself to be that sad little girl anymore. I made friends and people liked me. I hadn't yet learned how to like myself but I was ok with accepting that other people liked me. I was comfortable with the friends that I had made. However, even with friends and a new life, this monster would still rear it's ugly head from deep within me. I had no control over it and no ways to fight it. It had no rhyme or reason as to when it would appear. I would be completely happy then all of the sudden I was so sad I couldn't deal with life. I would get so frustrated because I knew my friends were getting irritated with me. This was when I get good at hiding my feelings and stuffing them deep down. I couldn't let people know how sad I was. The only problem was, I wasn't as good at hiding my feelings as I thought. I could see it in my best-friends face. I heard her say at times "she's in a 'mood' again." I felt so bad. I wanted so bad to find out what was wrong with me and fix it. Many, many times I felt like I should just end my life and be done with it all. There were times when I would prepare all the tools needed to do such a thing and go for it. But something (I know now that something was God) always stopped me.
Moving on to my early twenties, I had become wild. I was now legally able to drink the whiskey that I had come to love and decided that the whiskey would be my relief. I'm not even sure wild completely describes how I was. But during those years, I learned something very important. Not even whiskey was stronger than this monster known as depression. In fact, it seemed to make the monster grow. It seemed I was now in a constant state of depression. In my younger years, I had been able to at least be happy every once in a while, but now I was so sad all of the time. Even when things were going good I had to fight this hopeless feeling that was not only in my head, but was coming from somewhere deep inside me. There was no description or explaining it. It was this big, fat, hairy, ugly monster that I was no longer able to hide.
Things changed a lot for me towards the end of my twenties. I had a baby, became a Christian and got married. I remember thinking, "Surely these things will end this depression. Things are good, there is absolutely no reason to be depressed now!" Things did get better for a little while. But the peace didn't last. Of course, with my new-found life I was sure that this uncontrollable sadness was my own fault. How could I have so much and still not be happy? I was not dwelling on the past anymore and things were good for me. But I was still so sad at times. Just like before, this monster would come and go as it pleased and leave me dazed and confused, and emotionally spent. Clearly there was something wrong with me. This was all my fault and I just needed to deal with it and move on.
But for some reason, I could not move on. I was a very strong person, but I could not face this monster. It was a battle that I could not win. What was wrong with me? How could I be such a loser? I really began asking the age-old question, what was wrong with me? Not being able to answer this question just made me even more sad, hopeless and desperate. After all this time, surely I couldn't talk to anyone about this. It was just a problem with me. Why couldn't I be normal?
I am now in my early forties and I am beginning to realize that I am more normal than I have ever known. This un-named monster that I have never been able to control, it has a name and always had, I just never knew about it. I wish I had known my entire life that so many others were fighting this fight as well. I wish I had someone that would have understood that I could talk to. Even more, I wish I had known that I wasn't abnormal. That what I was fighting was a common thing to fight and that there is help.
I wish I had known that there are ways to fight this monster. When I first mentioned this to my doctor I remember him asking, "Does it feel like there is a big dark cloud over you that won't move?" I very quickly replied, "Oh doctor, that cloud is no longer over me. It has fallen and completely consumes me. I can no longer see outside of this cloud." He told me it was definitely time for medications. Much to my dismay, they really didn't help. I believe that each body is very different and takes a specialized treatment plan. For me, honesty has proven to be a big help. I've told people instead of stuffing it deep down and hiding it. I let my husband know when I am struggling and I ask for help and prayer. I spend a lot of time in prayer about this issue. God carries me, that I am completely sure of. Essential oils have proven to be a major help to me as well.
I still struggle with depression. I believe that I always will. But I am no longer hopeless. I now know that depression is no different than a bad heart or any other medical problem. The important thing is knowing how to battle the monster. Also understanding that I am not alone.
I hope that my story will help others. I hope someone who is feeling sad, lonely and helpless is reading this and thinks "Wow, maybe I am going to be ok!" Let me tell you that you can be! There is help. There is hope.You are not alone. Seek the help and you will find it. If you need help, let me know and I will gladly help you. Don't allow the monster to control you any longer.
