I spent a lot of years feeling defeated. I was depressed, I felt lonely even though I had a large family around me always, I was over-weight and I felt that there was nothing that I could do to change any of this. No matter what I tried, I couldn't get myself out of this funk and I couldn't lose this weight that had attached itself to me. I didn't realize that no matter what I tried, there was one thing that I needed that no one else could give me.
I went to my doctor at the beginning of all of this and was put on anti-depressants. Being the kind of person who doesn't really like pills, I only took them for a few months then gave up. I still "felt" different. The pills didn't take it all away from me and I wasn't feeling better immediately. I thought that surely something was just wrong with me that even the pills couldn't help me. "Must just be in my make up" I thought. The right pill hadn't come along so there was something wrong with me. Little did I know that I actually was right, but in a different way. It was me. It was something that I was "doing" wrong, but not in the way that I was thinking.
The same thing that had happened to me with the depression happened with the weight loss. I Just kept gaining and couldn't lose the weight. As a teenager, I was skinny naturally. Of course I thought I was fat, but in reality I can see now that I was pretty thin. So weight loss was something I just didn't know. I ate whatever I wanted and expected it to just stay off. That doesn't happen when you age. Especially when there are health problems that cause more problems.
When my doctor retired, my family had to find a new doctor. As we went for the new patient intake, my doctor said the words that I had been dreading. "Mrs. Loughman, you are overweight." UGH!!! I was so embarrassed! I gave her the typical excuses that I had been touting. It was a medical issue. Nothing I did could take the weight off. All of this was true, to a point so I had no problem saying them. But I still didn't understand that I was still lacking something else.
The doctor gave me yet another pill. This was going to be my salvation. It was going to return me to my teenaged body and make me skinny again! I am not a pill taking person, but I gladly accepted this one and started taking it. Imagine my surprise when the fat didn't start melting away. I thought "Maybe it will just take some time." So I decided to give it a few months. Eventually, I started exercising, just a little bit. I would walk for short periods of time but still ate whatever I wanted. You guessed it, not much changed.
Then one day, a friend challenged me to join in a weight-loss effort with her. She gave me some tools to help me be a little more dedicated. I began trying really hard. I wasn't just exercising every once in a while, I wasn't still eating like a pig and expecting to wake up the next morning skinny as a rail. I put my mind and my energy to making it happen. Can you imagine what happened?
Now it is months later and I have lost thirty pounds. I have given myself a goal and still have twenty more pounds to go, but I am over half-way there! I feel good about myself and people compliment me on the success. In addition to the weight loss, I have been working hard to dealing with the depression.
What changed in me? The pills had an effect, but didn't get the job done. The same thing with the exercising and dieting. These things are very important, but the change in me didn't happen until I had the desire. I had determination. I decided somewhere deep in my soul that I was going to do the work to get this done.
As some people have been reading this, they may be thinking "Well... duh!" but let's think a little deeper on this. We live in a world where we expect everything quick and easy. The healthcare industry is all too happy to give us a pill to help with anything that we need. But now, we have a whole group of people who think that they are extra damaged because the pills aren't helping them.
Now, please don't get me wrong. I am NOT saying that people shouldn't take pills. I have some that I take daily and they are important. What I am saying is that we can't expect things to change by just taking a pill. We have to want the change from within ourselves. We have to be determined and understand that anything good requires some work. Life is not easy and things don't just fall out of the sky in reality except for snow and rain. Even then, it makes a mess. So why would we expect any less for our lives?
I was thinking about this as I was doing some morning work-out. I was sore. I was tired. I was hungry. I wanted to stop, or at least slow down. But I didn't. The reason I kept going was because I want this change. I want to lose these last twenty pounds. I want it bad enough to put the effort in to making it happen. I was thinking about how much time I wasted just trying to make things happen by just giving a little bit of effort. Maybe if I had actually tried, I would have already met my goal. But pressing forward, I will not give up.
When I do meet my goal, I will not slow down. In this journey to lose weight, I have changed my way of life. I have become determined to be happy. Notice I didn't say skinny. I have learned that it's not the "skinny" that matters. It's the health and happiness.
This isn't just a message for me. This is a message for life. It doesn't matter if the problem is weight loss and depression like it is for me, or drug addiction, or anything other problem. As I said before, there may be professional help needed and that is important to get, but nothing will change, no matter how much money you spend or how many pills you take. No change is going to happen until you get it in your own mind that you are going to do the work that it will take to get it done.
Do you want a change to happen? Be willing. Be determined. Work hard. Then be ready to enjoy success!!
Monday, December 4, 2017
Monday, August 28, 2017
The Journey: A Story of Grace and Forgiveness
Let me introduce you to my son, Joshua Daniel. Joshua was a precious little boy and although he was my son, I never got the pleasure of actually meeting him. Joshua died when I was 17 weeks pregnant with him. This is the only picture that I have of this sweet boy.
If Joshua had lived, he would be 19 years old right now. He would be graduated from high school. There are so many questions that wander through my mind concerning my son. Would he have gone to college? Would he have a steady girlfriend? What would he have looked like? Would he have been athletic or musical like his siblings? So many things that I will always wonder about. I will never have the answers to these questions.
In His Word, God has the answers to all of life's questions. Romans 8:28 tells us "We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose. " (Holman Christian Standard Version). This verse has proven true both in my life and Joshua's death. Though I miss my son terribly, God has shown me life through Joshua's death. It was his death that brought me to the realization of my need for Christ. After my salvation, God used Joshua's death to show me more about His grace and forgiveness.
I went through a lot in dealing with the death of my son. There was a lot of guilt and shame, a lot of self-punishment. There were things that I was struggling with that I didn't even realize were due to Joshua's death. Through time and the help of friends, God carried me through and healed me from all of the struggled surrounding the death of my precious Joshua.
In addition to healing me, God has allowed me to help others find healing through him that are dealing with the loss of their children. He has allowed me to work one-on-one with many women and help them find healing. He has allowed me to talk to groups and my story and show them the need for post-abortion care. But God has also allowed me to write a book to assist in healing as well. I praise Him for this opportunity.
My book, The Journey, takes place where life left off. Joshua journeys to Heaven where he meets Jesus, family members who had gone on before and some Biblical saints as well. The first half of my books takes the reader through what I imagine Joshua experienced when he entered Glory. This part if fictional, obviously, but it is based on my belief and my hope for his eternal life.
The second half of The Journey is titled "Mommy's Journey" and chronicles my struggles with his death. Most of this second part of the book is true and is my own personal testimony written in story form. Some is made up and is what I wish to happen in the future.
Writing this book was so helpful to me. I truly consider The Journey a blessing straight from God and believe that Joshua would be very happy with it as well. However, this book is not just for me. It is meant to help women and men who struggle with the pain they suffer from being post-abortive. I have been blessed with hearing from others that it not only has helped people who struggle with a past abortion, but also past miscarriages as well.
I pray that The Journey continues to help men and women. I pray that people can find the amazing healing that only God can offer through reading my story. I also pray that women can see my struggles and understand that abortion is more than a choice but instead is a life-altering event that leaves a child dead and a mother (and father!) with feelings of guilt, shame and emptiness.
You can find a copy of The Journey here or I have copies on hand as well if you are interested in purchasing the book. If you have read The Journey and were blessed by it, please help me get the word out by writing a review and sharing this post. I do not want this shared for my benefit, but for the benefit of those struggling with this unimaginable pain. It is my heart's desire to help these men and women. There is hope. There is healing. There is still life.
If Joshua had lived, he would be 19 years old right now. He would be graduated from high school. There are so many questions that wander through my mind concerning my son. Would he have gone to college? Would he have a steady girlfriend? What would he have looked like? Would he have been athletic or musical like his siblings? So many things that I will always wonder about. I will never have the answers to these questions.
In His Word, God has the answers to all of life's questions. Romans 8:28 tells us "We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose. " (Holman Christian Standard Version). This verse has proven true both in my life and Joshua's death. Though I miss my son terribly, God has shown me life through Joshua's death. It was his death that brought me to the realization of my need for Christ. After my salvation, God used Joshua's death to show me more about His grace and forgiveness.
I went through a lot in dealing with the death of my son. There was a lot of guilt and shame, a lot of self-punishment. There were things that I was struggling with that I didn't even realize were due to Joshua's death. Through time and the help of friends, God carried me through and healed me from all of the struggled surrounding the death of my precious Joshua.
In addition to healing me, God has allowed me to help others find healing through him that are dealing with the loss of their children. He has allowed me to work one-on-one with many women and help them find healing. He has allowed me to talk to groups and my story and show them the need for post-abortion care. But God has also allowed me to write a book to assist in healing as well. I praise Him for this opportunity.
My book, The Journey, takes place where life left off. Joshua journeys to Heaven where he meets Jesus, family members who had gone on before and some Biblical saints as well. The first half of my books takes the reader through what I imagine Joshua experienced when he entered Glory. This part if fictional, obviously, but it is based on my belief and my hope for his eternal life.
The second half of The Journey is titled "Mommy's Journey" and chronicles my struggles with his death. Most of this second part of the book is true and is my own personal testimony written in story form. Some is made up and is what I wish to happen in the future.
Writing this book was so helpful to me. I truly consider The Journey a blessing straight from God and believe that Joshua would be very happy with it as well. However, this book is not just for me. It is meant to help women and men who struggle with the pain they suffer from being post-abortive. I have been blessed with hearing from others that it not only has helped people who struggle with a past abortion, but also past miscarriages as well.
I pray that The Journey continues to help men and women. I pray that people can find the amazing healing that only God can offer through reading my story. I also pray that women can see my struggles and understand that abortion is more than a choice but instead is a life-altering event that leaves a child dead and a mother (and father!) with feelings of guilt, shame and emptiness.
You can find a copy of The Journey here or I have copies on hand as well if you are interested in purchasing the book. If you have read The Journey and were blessed by it, please help me get the word out by writing a review and sharing this post. I do not want this shared for my benefit, but for the benefit of those struggling with this unimaginable pain. It is my heart's desire to help these men and women. There is hope. There is healing. There is still life.
Monday, April 24, 2017
Depression: The Uncontrolable Monster Deep Within
Though I live my life as an open book for the most part, there are things that not a lot of people know about me. I have lived the majority of my life with something deep inside me that I could not explain. Something that I did not even understand myself. Something that I have never been able to control and always hated about myself. Some unknown, uncontrollable, in-named monster his deep inside my soul and reared it's ugly head whenever it wanted to. I had now way to fight it. It scared me terribly!
When I was a little girl, I just thought that I was sad all of the time because of my circumstances. That is partly true, so it was easy to believe. I didn't have a very happy childhood and I did not have a lot of friends so when this uncontrollable sadness would well up from deep within I didn't question it. I didn't know what to do about it, but I figured it was just a part of life.
My teen years weren't much better. I moved to a different town and created an entirely new life. I said I wasn't going to allow myself to be that sad little girl anymore. I made friends and people liked me. I hadn't yet learned how to like myself but I was ok with accepting that other people liked me. I was comfortable with the friends that I had made. However, even with friends and a new life, this monster would still rear it's ugly head from deep within me. I had no control over it and no ways to fight it. It had no rhyme or reason as to when it would appear. I would be completely happy then all of the sudden I was so sad I couldn't deal with life. I would get so frustrated because I knew my friends were getting irritated with me. This was when I get good at hiding my feelings and stuffing them deep down. I couldn't let people know how sad I was. The only problem was, I wasn't as good at hiding my feelings as I thought. I could see it in my best-friends face. I heard her say at times "she's in a 'mood' again." I felt so bad. I wanted so bad to find out what was wrong with me and fix it. Many, many times I felt like I should just end my life and be done with it all. There were times when I would prepare all the tools needed to do such a thing and go for it. But something (I know now that something was God) always stopped me.
Moving on to my early twenties, I had become wild. I was now legally able to drink the whiskey that I had come to love and decided that the whiskey would be my relief. I'm not even sure wild completely describes how I was. But during those years, I learned something very important. Not even whiskey was stronger than this monster known as depression. In fact, it seemed to make the monster grow. It seemed I was now in a constant state of depression. In my younger years, I had been able to at least be happy every once in a while, but now I was so sad all of the time. Even when things were going good I had to fight this hopeless feeling that was not only in my head, but was coming from somewhere deep inside me. There was no description or explaining it. It was this big, fat, hairy, ugly monster that I was no longer able to hide.
Things changed a lot for me towards the end of my twenties. I had a baby, became a Christian and got married. I remember thinking, "Surely these things will end this depression. Things are good, there is absolutely no reason to be depressed now!" Things did get better for a little while. But the peace didn't last. Of course, with my new-found life I was sure that this uncontrollable sadness was my own fault. How could I have so much and still not be happy? I was not dwelling on the past anymore and things were good for me. But I was still so sad at times. Just like before, this monster would come and go as it pleased and leave me dazed and confused, and emotionally spent. Clearly there was something wrong with me. This was all my fault and I just needed to deal with it and move on.
But for some reason, I could not move on. I was a very strong person, but I could not face this monster. It was a battle that I could not win. What was wrong with me? How could I be such a loser? I really began asking the age-old question, what was wrong with me? Not being able to answer this question just made me even more sad, hopeless and desperate. After all this time, surely I couldn't talk to anyone about this. It was just a problem with me. Why couldn't I be normal?
I am now in my early forties and I am beginning to realize that I am more normal than I have ever known. This un-named monster that I have never been able to control, it has a name and always had, I just never knew about it. I wish I had known my entire life that so many others were fighting this fight as well. I wish I had someone that would have understood that I could talk to. Even more, I wish I had known that I wasn't abnormal. That what I was fighting was a common thing to fight and that there is help.
I wish I had known that there are ways to fight this monster. When I first mentioned this to my doctor I remember him asking, "Does it feel like there is a big dark cloud over you that won't move?" I very quickly replied, "Oh doctor, that cloud is no longer over me. It has fallen and completely consumes me. I can no longer see outside of this cloud." He told me it was definitely time for medications. Much to my dismay, they really didn't help. I believe that each body is very different and takes a specialized treatment plan. For me, honesty has proven to be a big help. I've told people instead of stuffing it deep down and hiding it. I let my husband know when I am struggling and I ask for help and prayer. I spend a lot of time in prayer about this issue. God carries me, that I am completely sure of. Essential oils have proven to be a major help to me as well.
I still struggle with depression. I believe that I always will. But I am no longer hopeless. I now know that depression is no different than a bad heart or any other medical problem. The important thing is knowing how to battle the monster. Also understanding that I am not alone.
I hope that my story will help others. I hope someone who is feeling sad, lonely and helpless is reading this and thinks "Wow, maybe I am going to be ok!" Let me tell you that you can be! There is help. There is hope.You are not alone. Seek the help and you will find it. If you need help, let me know and I will gladly help you. Don't allow the monster to control you any longer.
When I was a little girl, I just thought that I was sad all of the time because of my circumstances. That is partly true, so it was easy to believe. I didn't have a very happy childhood and I did not have a lot of friends so when this uncontrollable sadness would well up from deep within I didn't question it. I didn't know what to do about it, but I figured it was just a part of life.
My teen years weren't much better. I moved to a different town and created an entirely new life. I said I wasn't going to allow myself to be that sad little girl anymore. I made friends and people liked me. I hadn't yet learned how to like myself but I was ok with accepting that other people liked me. I was comfortable with the friends that I had made. However, even with friends and a new life, this monster would still rear it's ugly head from deep within me. I had no control over it and no ways to fight it. It had no rhyme or reason as to when it would appear. I would be completely happy then all of the sudden I was so sad I couldn't deal with life. I would get so frustrated because I knew my friends were getting irritated with me. This was when I get good at hiding my feelings and stuffing them deep down. I couldn't let people know how sad I was. The only problem was, I wasn't as good at hiding my feelings as I thought. I could see it in my best-friends face. I heard her say at times "she's in a 'mood' again." I felt so bad. I wanted so bad to find out what was wrong with me and fix it. Many, many times I felt like I should just end my life and be done with it all. There were times when I would prepare all the tools needed to do such a thing and go for it. But something (I know now that something was God) always stopped me.
Moving on to my early twenties, I had become wild. I was now legally able to drink the whiskey that I had come to love and decided that the whiskey would be my relief. I'm not even sure wild completely describes how I was. But during those years, I learned something very important. Not even whiskey was stronger than this monster known as depression. In fact, it seemed to make the monster grow. It seemed I was now in a constant state of depression. In my younger years, I had been able to at least be happy every once in a while, but now I was so sad all of the time. Even when things were going good I had to fight this hopeless feeling that was not only in my head, but was coming from somewhere deep inside me. There was no description or explaining it. It was this big, fat, hairy, ugly monster that I was no longer able to hide.
Things changed a lot for me towards the end of my twenties. I had a baby, became a Christian and got married. I remember thinking, "Surely these things will end this depression. Things are good, there is absolutely no reason to be depressed now!" Things did get better for a little while. But the peace didn't last. Of course, with my new-found life I was sure that this uncontrollable sadness was my own fault. How could I have so much and still not be happy? I was not dwelling on the past anymore and things were good for me. But I was still so sad at times. Just like before, this monster would come and go as it pleased and leave me dazed and confused, and emotionally spent. Clearly there was something wrong with me. This was all my fault and I just needed to deal with it and move on.
But for some reason, I could not move on. I was a very strong person, but I could not face this monster. It was a battle that I could not win. What was wrong with me? How could I be such a loser? I really began asking the age-old question, what was wrong with me? Not being able to answer this question just made me even more sad, hopeless and desperate. After all this time, surely I couldn't talk to anyone about this. It was just a problem with me. Why couldn't I be normal?
I am now in my early forties and I am beginning to realize that I am more normal than I have ever known. This un-named monster that I have never been able to control, it has a name and always had, I just never knew about it. I wish I had known my entire life that so many others were fighting this fight as well. I wish I had someone that would have understood that I could talk to. Even more, I wish I had known that I wasn't abnormal. That what I was fighting was a common thing to fight and that there is help.
I wish I had known that there are ways to fight this monster. When I first mentioned this to my doctor I remember him asking, "Does it feel like there is a big dark cloud over you that won't move?" I very quickly replied, "Oh doctor, that cloud is no longer over me. It has fallen and completely consumes me. I can no longer see outside of this cloud." He told me it was definitely time for medications. Much to my dismay, they really didn't help. I believe that each body is very different and takes a specialized treatment plan. For me, honesty has proven to be a big help. I've told people instead of stuffing it deep down and hiding it. I let my husband know when I am struggling and I ask for help and prayer. I spend a lot of time in prayer about this issue. God carries me, that I am completely sure of. Essential oils have proven to be a major help to me as well.
I still struggle with depression. I believe that I always will. But I am no longer hopeless. I now know that depression is no different than a bad heart or any other medical problem. The important thing is knowing how to battle the monster. Also understanding that I am not alone.
I hope that my story will help others. I hope someone who is feeling sad, lonely and helpless is reading this and thinks "Wow, maybe I am going to be ok!" Let me tell you that you can be! There is help. There is hope.You are not alone. Seek the help and you will find it. If you need help, let me know and I will gladly help you. Don't allow the monster to control you any longer.
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
Been Too Long
When I was young, you called me Steffer-Poodle. As I grew, you eventually shortened it to Steffer. I hated that name. I always thought it made me sound like a dog. You didn't really use it to pick on me, it was just what you called me. Somehow, even though I hated it, I accepted that it was your name for me. I never thought I would miss it so much.
It has been over twelve years since I heard you call me Steffer. As much as I hated that name, I would give the world to hear you say it one more time. I would give the world to just sit with you one more time. Ten more minutes, just to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am for everything I did wrong to you. If I could apologize for being so mean to you. For being frustrated with you because your choices got on my nerves.
I remember the last week of your life. Somehow I knew that you were dying, but I got mad at you anyway. I wanted you to fight. Fight for your life, fight for some help. But all you wanted to do was die. I had no idea how much pain you actually were in. To this day, I can't even imagine the pain you felt. I have gout now, but nothing compared to what you went through. Why didn't I see? Why didn't I have more compassion? Why didn't I love you the way that you loved me?
I will never find the answers to these questions. I will never get to sit with you and just talk. So many times as we were growing up, you were all that I had and you gave up so much for me. I wish I could go back and show you the same love and compassion. Even now, twelve years later, I don't know how to process all of this. I have dealt with so much grief in my life and faced it all; but the loss of you, I will never be able to deal with.
God has given me the peace that I need to get through the rest of my life without you. But I know I will always have this hole. I will never be able to let go of this regret and pain. I miss you. I want to go back and love you like I should have. I just want you here with me.
You would be so proud of your nieces and nephews. They have grown into such wonderful people and I know you would love to see them. I see you in each and every one of them. They love you and miss you. I know you adored them.
Today I feel like I'm dying inside; I miss you so much. I can't stop the tears from flowing. I can't control the heart ache. I just wish you were here.
It has been over twelve years since I heard you call me Steffer. As much as I hated that name, I would give the world to hear you say it one more time. I would give the world to just sit with you one more time. Ten more minutes, just to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am for everything I did wrong to you. If I could apologize for being so mean to you. For being frustrated with you because your choices got on my nerves.
I remember the last week of your life. Somehow I knew that you were dying, but I got mad at you anyway. I wanted you to fight. Fight for your life, fight for some help. But all you wanted to do was die. I had no idea how much pain you actually were in. To this day, I can't even imagine the pain you felt. I have gout now, but nothing compared to what you went through. Why didn't I see? Why didn't I have more compassion? Why didn't I love you the way that you loved me?
I will never find the answers to these questions. I will never get to sit with you and just talk. So many times as we were growing up, you were all that I had and you gave up so much for me. I wish I could go back and show you the same love and compassion. Even now, twelve years later, I don't know how to process all of this. I have dealt with so much grief in my life and faced it all; but the loss of you, I will never be able to deal with.
God has given me the peace that I need to get through the rest of my life without you. But I know I will always have this hole. I will never be able to let go of this regret and pain. I miss you. I want to go back and love you like I should have. I just want you here with me.
You would be so proud of your nieces and nephews. They have grown into such wonderful people and I know you would love to see them. I see you in each and every one of them. They love you and miss you. I know you adored them.
Today I feel like I'm dying inside; I miss you so much. I can't stop the tears from flowing. I can't control the heart ache. I just wish you were here.
Monday, February 6, 2017
It Is Well With My Soul
This is a wonderful hymn with an amazing story. To give you the basic idea, the author's wife and children died in a ship wreck. He visited the site of the sinking and as he sat in a boat surrounded by the water that had take the lives of his family, he wrote a hymn praising an amazing God. The title says it all, "It is Well With My Soul". The author was ok with the loss of his precious family because he knew that they were in the hands of the Almighty God and that they were ok. He had amazing faith in our awesome God. A faith that we could all learn from. That is his story, but I have a story of my own surrounding his song.
Twelve years ago I lost someone very precious to me. It wasn't the first and it hasn't been the last death that I would have to deal with, but this one was different. This death was the end of my life with a brother who loved me very dearly. Not only did he love me, but I was not always very nice to him. I miss my brother, but I also have guilt surrounding his death.
There was a time when I was trying to deal with this loss when I sent an email to my husband and my pastor. We had just sang this hymn in church and I could not sing it. My words in this email stated that it most certainly was not well with my soul. I knew that it should be; I was aware that I had to deal with this and trust God, but I have no idea how to do so. How can I make it well with my soul when I miss my brother so much and have so much guilt about his absence?
A few years followed this email and every time this hymn came up I cringed. I had gotten to the point when I couldn't even stand the thought of it. I knew that this was not ok. So I began to pray. I asked God to help me. I wanted Him to show me how to make this ok so I could sing this song and more importantly, trust in Him fully, even in the bad things in life.
About a year or so ago, they began to play this song in church. This time, I sang, with tears flowing down my cheeks. At some points, I couldn't even get words out because I was crying so hard. As I sang I prayed. I told God that it is still not well with my soul but that I would sing it anyways because I trusted Him to make it ok. I continued like this for about a year. I got to the point where I could say it was ok with my soul. Not well, but ok. I still stiffened if I heard the beginning music of this song but I could handle it.
That was until yesterday. As I sat in church, I heard that old familiar hymn begin to play and noticed that I was not stiffening. I was not dreading singing this song. I had no tears welling up in my eyes. I had peace and joy. I sang, probably louder than I ever have. I smiled as I sang and I praised my God and was finally able to say "It is well with my soul!" I miss my brother. I still have things to deal with concerning the guilt that I feel. But because of my amazing God, it is finally well with my soul. I can have joy and peace while praising my God. He has made me well. Praising Him today for the peace that passes all understanding.
Twelve years ago I lost someone very precious to me. It wasn't the first and it hasn't been the last death that I would have to deal with, but this one was different. This death was the end of my life with a brother who loved me very dearly. Not only did he love me, but I was not always very nice to him. I miss my brother, but I also have guilt surrounding his death.
There was a time when I was trying to deal with this loss when I sent an email to my husband and my pastor. We had just sang this hymn in church and I could not sing it. My words in this email stated that it most certainly was not well with my soul. I knew that it should be; I was aware that I had to deal with this and trust God, but I have no idea how to do so. How can I make it well with my soul when I miss my brother so much and have so much guilt about his absence?
A few years followed this email and every time this hymn came up I cringed. I had gotten to the point when I couldn't even stand the thought of it. I knew that this was not ok. So I began to pray. I asked God to help me. I wanted Him to show me how to make this ok so I could sing this song and more importantly, trust in Him fully, even in the bad things in life.
About a year or so ago, they began to play this song in church. This time, I sang, with tears flowing down my cheeks. At some points, I couldn't even get words out because I was crying so hard. As I sang I prayed. I told God that it is still not well with my soul but that I would sing it anyways because I trusted Him to make it ok. I continued like this for about a year. I got to the point where I could say it was ok with my soul. Not well, but ok. I still stiffened if I heard the beginning music of this song but I could handle it.
That was until yesterday. As I sat in church, I heard that old familiar hymn begin to play and noticed that I was not stiffening. I was not dreading singing this song. I had no tears welling up in my eyes. I had peace and joy. I sang, probably louder than I ever have. I smiled as I sang and I praised my God and was finally able to say "It is well with my soul!" I miss my brother. I still have things to deal with concerning the guilt that I feel. But because of my amazing God, it is finally well with my soul. I can have joy and peace while praising my God. He has made me well. Praising Him today for the peace that passes all understanding.
Feeling Inferior/ Self-Worth
This morning I did something that was very uncommon for me and a bit uncomfortable. But it was good for me in more ways than I had considered.
I have been trying to get time to exercise, but with five active teenagers in the house, along with work and other responsibilities, time to take care of myself doesn't always happen. I got a crazy idea in my mind that I would just get up earlier and go to the YMCA before anyone got up and the busy day began. I am not by any means a morning person and 5 am comes very early (especially when you stay up late watching a certain football game!). But thanks to my wonderful husband hearing my alarm clock (and asking what was wrong with me for setting it that early!) I got up and headed to the YMCA.
It was a cold walk from my car to the door, so I didn't concern myself with the normal worries of a fat girl walking in a gym. I was proud of myself for even being awake, let alone out of the house! I made my way to the track to begin walking; that's when the fear hit me. I was the only one n the track. Normally I would enjoy having the time to myself, not having to dodge between people. Instead, I let my mind wander. As I walked I looked at the people who were playing basketball on the courts beneath me. In my mind, they were all looking up at me and mocking me.
I was sure that these people (who probably didn't even notice my existence!) were all talking about me. In my head they were wondering why I was walking the track instead of working out in the gym; everyone else was in the gym, after all. Before I had walked a half mile I had a whole bully situation complete in my mind as was certain that these people hated me and were busy mocking me. It was like I was back in middle school.
This is a problem that I have struggled with my entire life. I share this with you not so point out my struggles, but to open myself up so that others who struggle with the same will know that they are not alone. But let me also share with you what I did for the rest of my time walking.
After I realized that I had allowed my mind to "go there" again, that I needed to change my thinking right then and there. I looked at the people playing basketball and considered them with a reasonable mind; it was obvious that they had no clue I was even up there walking. They hadn't given me a single thought, let alone the negative things that I was thinking about myself. It was all in my head. That may sound simple, but for me, that was work.
Once I realized that I was letting my mind wander places that it should not go, I began to make myself think of what I was doing and why I was doing it; not allowing myself to compare myself to others. I was walking for my health. I had gotten up very early, which was very hard for me and walking just to take care of myself.
As I walked and filled my mind with thoughts of how I should be proud of myself, I began to hold my head a little higher. There was more of a skip in my step. I was listening to music as I walked and began praising God for allowing me to get up, walk, and to see that I am worthy even though I am constantly trying to tell myself that I am not.
Maybe this post is more for me, or maybe you (or someone you know) can benefit from this as well. We can't allow ourselves to believe the lies that fill our mind informing us that we are not good enough. Each and every person is a creation of the Almighty God. We cannot compare ourselves to anyone else, but instead it is important to remember how precious we are. The God of the universe not only created you but loves you dearly. You are worth so much that He came down from Heaven and gave His life for you. He does not want you to live a life of defeat. He wants you to understand how wonderful you are.
We also cannot let the lies of our past enter into our thoughts. I was told from a very young age how very worthless I was. This is a huge reason as to why I battle these thoughts so often even to this day. But I have to accept that these people were wrong and I cannot let their lies and bitterness have any room in my mind at all. When I start to have these feelings and concerns, I have to make a choice to not allow them in my head. This is not an easy thing. If it was, I wouldn't be writing this post because I would no longer be struggling with it. It is a daily struggle. But the good news is that it gets easier every day. With the help of our amazing God, I am able to push these things out of my head, making room for Him to show me that He loves me and that I am worth more than I could ever imagine. Praise God for showing me these things. I hope and pray that you can see these things as well and realize your own self-worth. If you need a reminder, message me and I'll be glad to walk with you through this journey of finding out just how precious you are.
I have been trying to get time to exercise, but with five active teenagers in the house, along with work and other responsibilities, time to take care of myself doesn't always happen. I got a crazy idea in my mind that I would just get up earlier and go to the YMCA before anyone got up and the busy day began. I am not by any means a morning person and 5 am comes very early (especially when you stay up late watching a certain football game!). But thanks to my wonderful husband hearing my alarm clock (and asking what was wrong with me for setting it that early!) I got up and headed to the YMCA.
It was a cold walk from my car to the door, so I didn't concern myself with the normal worries of a fat girl walking in a gym. I was proud of myself for even being awake, let alone out of the house! I made my way to the track to begin walking; that's when the fear hit me. I was the only one n the track. Normally I would enjoy having the time to myself, not having to dodge between people. Instead, I let my mind wander. As I walked I looked at the people who were playing basketball on the courts beneath me. In my mind, they were all looking up at me and mocking me.
I was sure that these people (who probably didn't even notice my existence!) were all talking about me. In my head they were wondering why I was walking the track instead of working out in the gym; everyone else was in the gym, after all. Before I had walked a half mile I had a whole bully situation complete in my mind as was certain that these people hated me and were busy mocking me. It was like I was back in middle school.
This is a problem that I have struggled with my entire life. I share this with you not so point out my struggles, but to open myself up so that others who struggle with the same will know that they are not alone. But let me also share with you what I did for the rest of my time walking.
After I realized that I had allowed my mind to "go there" again, that I needed to change my thinking right then and there. I looked at the people playing basketball and considered them with a reasonable mind; it was obvious that they had no clue I was even up there walking. They hadn't given me a single thought, let alone the negative things that I was thinking about myself. It was all in my head. That may sound simple, but for me, that was work.
Once I realized that I was letting my mind wander places that it should not go, I began to make myself think of what I was doing and why I was doing it; not allowing myself to compare myself to others. I was walking for my health. I had gotten up very early, which was very hard for me and walking just to take care of myself.
As I walked and filled my mind with thoughts of how I should be proud of myself, I began to hold my head a little higher. There was more of a skip in my step. I was listening to music as I walked and began praising God for allowing me to get up, walk, and to see that I am worthy even though I am constantly trying to tell myself that I am not.
Maybe this post is more for me, or maybe you (or someone you know) can benefit from this as well. We can't allow ourselves to believe the lies that fill our mind informing us that we are not good enough. Each and every person is a creation of the Almighty God. We cannot compare ourselves to anyone else, but instead it is important to remember how precious we are. The God of the universe not only created you but loves you dearly. You are worth so much that He came down from Heaven and gave His life for you. He does not want you to live a life of defeat. He wants you to understand how wonderful you are.
We also cannot let the lies of our past enter into our thoughts. I was told from a very young age how very worthless I was. This is a huge reason as to why I battle these thoughts so often even to this day. But I have to accept that these people were wrong and I cannot let their lies and bitterness have any room in my mind at all. When I start to have these feelings and concerns, I have to make a choice to not allow them in my head. This is not an easy thing. If it was, I wouldn't be writing this post because I would no longer be struggling with it. It is a daily struggle. But the good news is that it gets easier every day. With the help of our amazing God, I am able to push these things out of my head, making room for Him to show me that He loves me and that I am worth more than I could ever imagine. Praise God for showing me these things. I hope and pray that you can see these things as well and realize your own self-worth. If you need a reminder, message me and I'll be glad to walk with you through this journey of finding out just how precious you are.
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Opinions and Emotions
Like Trump, like Obama.
Pro-choice, Pro-life.
City, country.
Rock, rap.
Tomato, tomahhhhtoe.
These are choices. You pick one or the other. Or maybe you don't like either. Perhaps you like both. Regardless, you use your own convictions and pick which side of the fence you will stand on. At least that's how it used to be. What happened to this country that we no longer can each have our own opinion, but instead believe that everyone must agree with us or die?
On a positive note, it is good to see people caring and speaking with passion. But we cannot let our emotions fuel everything that we do. In America, we can voice our opinions, we can even protest, but why does everything have to be a never-ending debate that goes on and on and on and on. Recently, I have seen choices lead to destroying friendships, breaking up families and just flat out causing major hate. I have only one thing to say about that... Come on people!
This makes me so very sad! However, I would've thought that after the inauguration we could actually get back to living our lives again, sadly this is not the case. Not for either side. The debating and the rudeness continues. Nasty pictures and bitter words flood social media. Protesters still flood the streets and even hang from high places trying to make their point.
Let me be clear, I am not against a peaceful protest; it's not how I would deal with something but if that is how someone wants to handle things it is their right to do so. But the nastiness and bitterness just needs to stop. We are showing no class and no love for each other. And yes, a lot of this is coming from Christians, why are we acting like the world?
We all have had our chance to speak. It's time to end the debates and end the nastiness. Can we all just be human again? Black, white. Democrat, Republican. Christian, Atheist. We all still have one thing in common; we are all still human. We can agree to disagree and live together in unity. Otherwise we will just kill each other off. There is far too much hate in this country.
I am speaking to myself as much as I am to anyone. I am very passionate about being pro-life. I know very personally the pain that abortion causes and I want to tell the world that this is about more than just a simple choice and a clump of cells. However, I have many friends that are pro-choice and who disagree with me. I don't hate the people who disagree with me. I understand that they are people with their own mind and convictions. That is how God made them and it is up to God to show them right from wrong, not me. I have to remind myself that I cannot let my emotions control me in my speech or deed.
I have caught myself recently sharing a post on Facebook or getting into a debate. I have to remind myself that while it's ok for me to speak my mind, there has to be a point where you say "enough is enough" and just let it die. The president will be the president regardless of how many times I stand and say whether I like him or not. People will disagree with others and want to say that they deserve more. People will march against something whether I agree or not and they will dress up in nasty costumes and say nasty things. But that doesn't mean that I have to share them; or even give them a second of my time.
The more times someone shares a post with these pictures or comments on a post from the media (which is a huge part of this problem, there is no debate about that) we are giving the troublemakers exactly what they want. It is time to stop giving these people the attention that they so desperately want. We are the ones keeping it alive. We have to let it go.
The Bible tells us that love covers a multitude of sins. That if we have an enemy we are to pray for them. That vengeance belongs to God. Let's let Him have it. Maybe we should stay out of the way and let Him do His work. Let us pray... instead of fight!
Pro-choice, Pro-life.
City, country.
Rock, rap.
Tomato, tomahhhhtoe.
These are choices. You pick one or the other. Or maybe you don't like either. Perhaps you like both. Regardless, you use your own convictions and pick which side of the fence you will stand on. At least that's how it used to be. What happened to this country that we no longer can each have our own opinion, but instead believe that everyone must agree with us or die?
On a positive note, it is good to see people caring and speaking with passion. But we cannot let our emotions fuel everything that we do. In America, we can voice our opinions, we can even protest, but why does everything have to be a never-ending debate that goes on and on and on and on. Recently, I have seen choices lead to destroying friendships, breaking up families and just flat out causing major hate. I have only one thing to say about that... Come on people!
This makes me so very sad! However, I would've thought that after the inauguration we could actually get back to living our lives again, sadly this is not the case. Not for either side. The debating and the rudeness continues. Nasty pictures and bitter words flood social media. Protesters still flood the streets and even hang from high places trying to make their point.
Let me be clear, I am not against a peaceful protest; it's not how I would deal with something but if that is how someone wants to handle things it is their right to do so. But the nastiness and bitterness just needs to stop. We are showing no class and no love for each other. And yes, a lot of this is coming from Christians, why are we acting like the world?
We all have had our chance to speak. It's time to end the debates and end the nastiness. Can we all just be human again? Black, white. Democrat, Republican. Christian, Atheist. We all still have one thing in common; we are all still human. We can agree to disagree and live together in unity. Otherwise we will just kill each other off. There is far too much hate in this country.
I am speaking to myself as much as I am to anyone. I am very passionate about being pro-life. I know very personally the pain that abortion causes and I want to tell the world that this is about more than just a simple choice and a clump of cells. However, I have many friends that are pro-choice and who disagree with me. I don't hate the people who disagree with me. I understand that they are people with their own mind and convictions. That is how God made them and it is up to God to show them right from wrong, not me. I have to remind myself that I cannot let my emotions control me in my speech or deed.
I have caught myself recently sharing a post on Facebook or getting into a debate. I have to remind myself that while it's ok for me to speak my mind, there has to be a point where you say "enough is enough" and just let it die. The president will be the president regardless of how many times I stand and say whether I like him or not. People will disagree with others and want to say that they deserve more. People will march against something whether I agree or not and they will dress up in nasty costumes and say nasty things. But that doesn't mean that I have to share them; or even give them a second of my time.
The more times someone shares a post with these pictures or comments on a post from the media (which is a huge part of this problem, there is no debate about that) we are giving the troublemakers exactly what they want. It is time to stop giving these people the attention that they so desperately want. We are the ones keeping it alive. We have to let it go.
The Bible tells us that love covers a multitude of sins. That if we have an enemy we are to pray for them. That vengeance belongs to God. Let's let Him have it. Maybe we should stay out of the way and let Him do His work. Let us pray... instead of fight!
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Be You, Let Them Be Them
I am so sad to see all the division in our world today. Sadly, there have always been division lines between race or religion (which I totally disagree with, but I will get to that later.) but division is no longer against groups, it is simply against people. Everyone is an individual, but it seems that the current attitude is that all people are their own island and superior to each other.
This is a very dangerous belief. We live in a world where we have to communicate with others. Even if you live far out in the country, you still have to have relationships with others. Humans were created as social beings. When we isolate ourselves into thinking that we are better than everyone else we are essentially deciding that no one is worthy of social interaction with us unless we are in control. This has caused a self-absorbed, arrogant world.
We as a society need to get back to a place where freedom reigns again. Everyone should be able to be free to be themselves and to be accepted, appreciated and loved. God did not create us all the same; He gave us all different abilities to keep everything interesting, not so we would go against each other. We should celebrate the differences in each other and see how they cause us to fit together perfectly like a puzzle instead of mocking each other and thinking of others as less than.
The truth of the matter is we are all sinners. Not one person is perfect; we all have our struggles. One person is really good at one thing and really bad at another; this is a condition that is common to all humans. So we can stop picking on each other!! It shouldn't matter about anyone's skin color, religion or length of their hair. Where a person is from doesn't matter or how much money they have in the bank. You can always find someone who is better off than you, but you can also always find someone who is worse off than you.
I won't get into the reasons of why I believe we have become so divided. At this point, I don't even think the "why" matters anymore. All that matters is that we wake up and stop. Stop judging. Stop mocking. Stop thinking we are better or less than. Instead, we need to start! Start loving. Start accepting. Start finding ways to bridge the gaps and get along. Realize that we are all alike. Let us become one group of people, rather than individuals refusing to stand together.
This is a very dangerous belief. We live in a world where we have to communicate with others. Even if you live far out in the country, you still have to have relationships with others. Humans were created as social beings. When we isolate ourselves into thinking that we are better than everyone else we are essentially deciding that no one is worthy of social interaction with us unless we are in control. This has caused a self-absorbed, arrogant world.
We as a society need to get back to a place where freedom reigns again. Everyone should be able to be free to be themselves and to be accepted, appreciated and loved. God did not create us all the same; He gave us all different abilities to keep everything interesting, not so we would go against each other. We should celebrate the differences in each other and see how they cause us to fit together perfectly like a puzzle instead of mocking each other and thinking of others as less than.
The truth of the matter is we are all sinners. Not one person is perfect; we all have our struggles. One person is really good at one thing and really bad at another; this is a condition that is common to all humans. So we can stop picking on each other!! It shouldn't matter about anyone's skin color, religion or length of their hair. Where a person is from doesn't matter or how much money they have in the bank. You can always find someone who is better off than you, but you can also always find someone who is worse off than you.
I won't get into the reasons of why I believe we have become so divided. At this point, I don't even think the "why" matters anymore. All that matters is that we wake up and stop. Stop judging. Stop mocking. Stop thinking we are better or less than. Instead, we need to start! Start loving. Start accepting. Start finding ways to bridge the gaps and get along. Realize that we are all alike. Let us become one group of people, rather than individuals refusing to stand together.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Perspective:The World Is What You Make It
As the world awaited the coming of the new year the same old expectations began rising up. As I watched Facebook I saw the typical phrases, "New year, new me", "Let's make this year count!", "January 1st is coming, we can have a new, fresh start, let's go!" It's the same every year and I'm used to it by now. However there was one that really got me thinking; "I hope 2017 is better than 2016!" I can assure you, the change of the year on the calendar will not make things better for you.
There was a time in my life (the majority of my life actually!) when I would have said the very same thing. But God has been working with me on those thoughts this past year and I'd like to share with you what He has been showing me.
The first important lesson is that life is hard. It doesn't matter what your situation is, rich or poor, white or black, busy or bored, life is going to have it's hard times. There will always be problems, there will always be deaths, there will always be drama. We can be sure of this just as sure as we can be that the sun will come up in the morning. Once we get a handle on that truth then we can better deal with problems when they come. Don't be surprised, don't let it catch you off guard, be expecting it, and be prepared, then it will be bearable.
The other side of that, and this can be just a surprising to some, life can be good as well! The hard ties may last for what seems like forever, but there are good things in this life. We take advantage of this so often. Even in the worst of times there are always things that we can reach out and grab a hold of that are good. Special blessings that we may not notice otherwise. A cool wind on a hot day. Running into a friend at the store when things are rough. A hug from an innocent child. Maybe even just a smile from someone you don't even know. Personally that has blessed me recently, just knowing that the whole world isn't against me and that things might just be ok after all. Sometimes we have to look hard for these blessings, but they are there.
With the knowledge that there are going to be both good times and bad times, you now have a choice. Where are you going to put your focus? Sadly, I have lived the majority of my life focusing on the bad. I complain about the cold outside and ignore the fact that I have a warm house to live in. I might feel sad that I can't have a steak but forget that I have a kitchen full of good food and the gift of being able to cook it. I get frustrated because my kids are loud instead of being grateful that they are here and healthy.
We have become a society of complainers, but we are blessed beyond measure. That is why we wonder every year if things will be better on January 1st than they were on December 31st. The answer to that question is that it depends on you. It is all in your perspective and how you see things. The old adage "There is always someone who is worse off" is so very true. Yes, you can always find someone who is better off than you; they could have more money, more friends, more security, whatever, but there is also always someone who is worse off than you. Do you want 2017 to be the best year ever? Start looking for the good in everything. Don't let the bad things get you down. Take your time working through the issues, then leaven them in the past and don't allow yourself to get bitter.
Would you like to test my theory out? Take a stroll through Walmart; smile and be pleasant to everyone you run into. Some will be rude, some will probably make you want to explode, but look at them, smile and say "Hello, have a great day!" When you walk out of that store, not only will you have made someone else's day brighter, you will notice that your mood will be better as well. I have tried it. It amazed me. Go ahead, make 2017 the best year ever! It's all in your perspective.
There was a time in my life (the majority of my life actually!) when I would have said the very same thing. But God has been working with me on those thoughts this past year and I'd like to share with you what He has been showing me.
The first important lesson is that life is hard. It doesn't matter what your situation is, rich or poor, white or black, busy or bored, life is going to have it's hard times. There will always be problems, there will always be deaths, there will always be drama. We can be sure of this just as sure as we can be that the sun will come up in the morning. Once we get a handle on that truth then we can better deal with problems when they come. Don't be surprised, don't let it catch you off guard, be expecting it, and be prepared, then it will be bearable.
The other side of that, and this can be just a surprising to some, life can be good as well! The hard ties may last for what seems like forever, but there are good things in this life. We take advantage of this so often. Even in the worst of times there are always things that we can reach out and grab a hold of that are good. Special blessings that we may not notice otherwise. A cool wind on a hot day. Running into a friend at the store when things are rough. A hug from an innocent child. Maybe even just a smile from someone you don't even know. Personally that has blessed me recently, just knowing that the whole world isn't against me and that things might just be ok after all. Sometimes we have to look hard for these blessings, but they are there.
With the knowledge that there are going to be both good times and bad times, you now have a choice. Where are you going to put your focus? Sadly, I have lived the majority of my life focusing on the bad. I complain about the cold outside and ignore the fact that I have a warm house to live in. I might feel sad that I can't have a steak but forget that I have a kitchen full of good food and the gift of being able to cook it. I get frustrated because my kids are loud instead of being grateful that they are here and healthy.
We have become a society of complainers, but we are blessed beyond measure. That is why we wonder every year if things will be better on January 1st than they were on December 31st. The answer to that question is that it depends on you. It is all in your perspective and how you see things. The old adage "There is always someone who is worse off" is so very true. Yes, you can always find someone who is better off than you; they could have more money, more friends, more security, whatever, but there is also always someone who is worse off than you. Do you want 2017 to be the best year ever? Start looking for the good in everything. Don't let the bad things get you down. Take your time working through the issues, then leaven them in the past and don't allow yourself to get bitter.
Would you like to test my theory out? Take a stroll through Walmart; smile and be pleasant to everyone you run into. Some will be rude, some will probably make you want to explode, but look at them, smile and say "Hello, have a great day!" When you walk out of that store, not only will you have made someone else's day brighter, you will notice that your mood will be better as well. I have tried it. It amazed me. Go ahead, make 2017 the best year ever! It's all in your perspective.
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