This morning I did something that was very uncommon for me and a bit uncomfortable. But it was good for me in more ways than I had considered.
I have been trying to get time to exercise, but with five active teenagers in the house, along with work and other responsibilities, time to take care of myself doesn't always happen. I got a crazy idea in my mind that I would just get up earlier and go to the YMCA before anyone got up and the busy day began. I am not by any means a morning person and 5 am comes very early (especially when you stay up late watching a certain football game!). But thanks to my wonderful husband hearing my alarm clock (and asking what was wrong with me for setting it that early!) I got up and headed to the YMCA.
It was a cold walk from my car to the door, so I didn't concern myself with the normal worries of a fat girl walking in a gym. I was proud of myself for even being awake, let alone out of the house! I made my way to the track to begin walking; that's when the fear hit me. I was the only one n the track. Normally I would enjoy having the time to myself, not having to dodge between people. Instead, I let my mind wander. As I walked I looked at the people who were playing basketball on the courts beneath me. In my mind, they were all looking up at me and mocking me.
I was sure that these people (who probably didn't even notice my existence!) were all talking about me. In my head they were wondering why I was walking the track instead of working out in the gym; everyone else was in the gym, after all. Before I had walked a half mile I had a whole bully situation complete in my mind as was certain that these people hated me and were busy mocking me. It was like I was back in middle school.
This is a problem that I have struggled with my entire life. I share this with you not so point out my struggles, but to open myself up so that others who struggle with the same will know that they are not alone. But let me also share with you what I did for the rest of my time walking.
After I realized that I had allowed my mind to "go there" again, that I needed to change my thinking right then and there. I looked at the people playing basketball and considered them with a reasonable mind; it was obvious that they had no clue I was even up there walking. They hadn't given me a single thought, let alone the negative things that I was thinking about myself. It was all in my head. That may sound simple, but for me, that was work.
Once I realized that I was letting my mind wander places that it should not go, I began to make myself think of what I was doing and why I was doing it; not allowing myself to compare myself to others. I was walking for my health. I had gotten up very early, which was very hard for me and walking just to take care of myself.
As I walked and filled my mind with thoughts of how I should be proud of myself, I began to hold my head a little higher. There was more of a skip in my step. I was listening to music as I walked and began praising God for allowing me to get up, walk, and to see that I am worthy even though I am constantly trying to tell myself that I am not.
Maybe this post is more for me, or maybe you (or someone you know) can benefit from this as well. We can't allow ourselves to believe the lies that fill our mind informing us that we are not good enough. Each and every person is a creation of the Almighty God. We cannot compare ourselves to anyone else, but instead it is important to remember how precious we are. The God of the universe not only created you but loves you dearly. You are worth so much that He came down from Heaven and gave His life for you. He does not want you to live a life of defeat. He wants you to understand how wonderful you are.
We also cannot let the lies of our past enter into our thoughts. I was told from a very young age how very worthless I was. This is a huge reason as to why I battle these thoughts so often even to this day. But I have to accept that these people were wrong and I cannot let their lies and bitterness have any room in my mind at all. When I start to have these feelings and concerns, I have to make a choice to not allow them in my head. This is not an easy thing. If it was, I wouldn't be writing this post because I would no longer be struggling with it. It is a daily struggle. But the good news is that it gets easier every day. With the help of our amazing God, I am able to push these things out of my head, making room for Him to show me that He loves me and that I am worth more than I could ever imagine. Praise God for showing me these things. I hope and pray that you can see these things as well and realize your own self-worth. If you need a reminder, message me and I'll be glad to walk with you through this journey of finding out just how precious you are.
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