When I was young, you called me Steffer-Poodle. As I grew, you eventually shortened it to Steffer. I hated that name. I always thought it made me sound like a dog. You didn't really use it to pick on me, it was just what you called me. Somehow, even though I hated it, I accepted that it was your name for me. I never thought I would miss it so much.
It has been over twelve years since I heard you call me Steffer. As much as I hated that name, I would give the world to hear you say it one more time. I would give the world to just sit with you one more time. Ten more minutes, just to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am for everything I did wrong to you. If I could apologize for being so mean to you. For being frustrated with you because your choices got on my nerves.
I remember the last week of your life. Somehow I knew that you were dying, but I got mad at you anyway. I wanted you to fight. Fight for your life, fight for some help. But all you wanted to do was die. I had no idea how much pain you actually were in. To this day, I can't even imagine the pain you felt. I have gout now, but nothing compared to what you went through. Why didn't I see? Why didn't I have more compassion? Why didn't I love you the way that you loved me?
I will never find the answers to these questions. I will never get to sit with you and just talk. So many times as we were growing up, you were all that I had and you gave up so much for me. I wish I could go back and show you the same love and compassion. Even now, twelve years later, I don't know how to process all of this. I have dealt with so much grief in my life and faced it all; but the loss of you, I will never be able to deal with.
God has given me the peace that I need to get through the rest of my life without you. But I know I will always have this hole. I will never be able to let go of this regret and pain. I miss you. I want to go back and love you like I should have. I just want you here with me.
You would be so proud of your nieces and nephews. They have grown into such wonderful people and I know you would love to see them. I see you in each and every one of them. They love you and miss you. I know you adored them.
Today I feel like I'm dying inside; I miss you so much. I can't stop the tears from flowing. I can't control the heart ache. I just wish you were here.
