This morning I am struggling with many emotions and none of them are good.
Sad.
Worthless.
Angry.
Hurt.
Alone.
Grumpy.
Anxious.
Depressed.
I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the point. There is no reason for me to feel this way; I just do. There are things deep in my heart that are concerning me or have given me a reason to be upset, but nothing major and mostly just me being human. But my problem is whether I have a reason for these feelings or not, they are present.
There was a time in my life when I would have taken these feelings and spent the entire day making sure that everyone knew that I was upset and making them pay for it, even when I knew it was not their bill to pay. I apologize to all of my friends and family who have fallen victim to that bad attitude of mine.
What I will attempt to do today instead is to focus on God. He says "This is the day that Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it!" (Psalm 11:24). He also says that He "knows the plans that He has for me, plans for prosper not my harm; to give me a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). So many other places where He has given this same type of promise; these are what I need to listen to.
For no reason whatsoever today is a rough day. My heart is just not in living this day out. But I will keep my focus on God and pray that He gives me some joy. You have to get through the tough to make it to the good times. I will keep pushing on. There's my thought for today. Hope everyone else is having a great day today :) <3
Monday, February 29, 2016
Monday, February 22, 2016
The Same Power
I'd say "Good morning" but that might be a lie. I have no reason at all for this but my morning has not been "good". My morning has been ok; nothing terrible has happened, but it's my attitude that is not the best. For some reason, unknown to me, I feel hopeless inside. There is no reason for this feeling, so I am fighting it.
As I have gone about my morning I have had a song going through my mind. This happens often as I love music and always have, but this morning the song going through my mind is, I'm sure, a message from God. I believe the song is by Jeremy Camp and although I know the whole song it is the one line that keeps repeating in my mind; "The same power that rose Jesus from the dead is in us, is in us."
As I am singing this I am remembering the good in life. I am in my home right now doing chores; dishes, taking out the trash, picking up after kids and dogs, laundry, all mundane things, but I am enjoying them. Why am I enjoying them, you might ask. Because I love being a stay at home mom. I have also had the thoughts going through my mind that this will not last much longer as I have to find a full time job and things will change for my family. I have a part time job now, but I have been a stay at home mom since my kids were babies, now I will be a full time working mom. I wont be able to leave and take them where ever they need to go. I wont be able to run lunches to school when they forget. I wont even be able to take them to the doctor when they need to go. This will be a hard change for my whole family. I could easily complain about that this morning, but I will instead be grateful for the many years that I've had it. I praise God for allowing me to be at home with my babies for most of their early years.
This song, however also reminds me of other things. I have friends and family members struggling with some very hard things. I have had similar struggles (and still do!) But this song reminds me that I am not alone. So often I feel so alone in life, like I'm walking through my hard times while everyone else is laughing and having a good time. But that is not the case; in fact that is a lie straight from Satan to keep me depressed and down. Not only am I not alone, but I have the very same power to help me that raised Jesus from the dead... read that again... from the DEAD!! There is no greater power!! The very same God that we read about in the Bible is the very same God that is in us today. We have nothing to fear!
It does not matter if we're struggling with feeling alone, finding the right way, or having too much put on us, we have the power to overcome when we trust in God. It gives me shivers to think about this amazing fact! It is so hard to see at times, but whatever the problem, He is always with us, walking us through; holding our hand and guiding us, We only need to look to Him. The problem is we have to look past the huge problem that we're facing, but it can be done. Let me add some verses from His Word to remind us of this truth...
Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you."
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Romans 8:28 For we know that all things work together for His good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your path straight.
There are so many more but I will stop for now. He is so good! I love how a bad attitude can be changed in a moment of praise. Our trials in this world are short. They are hard and exhausting, but God is os much bigger. When we focus on Him they begin to fade away. They are still very present in our lives, but they fade because God takes the load onto Himself and off of us. Praise Him today and look to Him for your struggles!!
As I have gone about my morning I have had a song going through my mind. This happens often as I love music and always have, but this morning the song going through my mind is, I'm sure, a message from God. I believe the song is by Jeremy Camp and although I know the whole song it is the one line that keeps repeating in my mind; "The same power that rose Jesus from the dead is in us, is in us."
As I am singing this I am remembering the good in life. I am in my home right now doing chores; dishes, taking out the trash, picking up after kids and dogs, laundry, all mundane things, but I am enjoying them. Why am I enjoying them, you might ask. Because I love being a stay at home mom. I have also had the thoughts going through my mind that this will not last much longer as I have to find a full time job and things will change for my family. I have a part time job now, but I have been a stay at home mom since my kids were babies, now I will be a full time working mom. I wont be able to leave and take them where ever they need to go. I wont be able to run lunches to school when they forget. I wont even be able to take them to the doctor when they need to go. This will be a hard change for my whole family. I could easily complain about that this morning, but I will instead be grateful for the many years that I've had it. I praise God for allowing me to be at home with my babies for most of their early years.
This song, however also reminds me of other things. I have friends and family members struggling with some very hard things. I have had similar struggles (and still do!) But this song reminds me that I am not alone. So often I feel so alone in life, like I'm walking through my hard times while everyone else is laughing and having a good time. But that is not the case; in fact that is a lie straight from Satan to keep me depressed and down. Not only am I not alone, but I have the very same power to help me that raised Jesus from the dead... read that again... from the DEAD!! There is no greater power!! The very same God that we read about in the Bible is the very same God that is in us today. We have nothing to fear!
It does not matter if we're struggling with feeling alone, finding the right way, or having too much put on us, we have the power to overcome when we trust in God. It gives me shivers to think about this amazing fact! It is so hard to see at times, but whatever the problem, He is always with us, walking us through; holding our hand and guiding us, We only need to look to Him. The problem is we have to look past the huge problem that we're facing, but it can be done. Let me add some verses from His Word to remind us of this truth...
Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you."
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Romans 8:28 For we know that all things work together for His good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your path straight.
There are so many more but I will stop for now. He is so good! I love how a bad attitude can be changed in a moment of praise. Our trials in this world are short. They are hard and exhausting, but God is os much bigger. When we focus on Him they begin to fade away. They are still very present in our lives, but they fade because God takes the load onto Himself and off of us. Praise Him today and look to Him for your struggles!!
Sunday, February 7, 2016
How He Loves
This morning I am in awe thinking of how God loves me. This has been a struggle my entire life because I have always felt unworthy of love. However, then I was saved and am always told how much God loves me. I always come back with the one word question, "Why?" I have spent my whole life feeling completely unloved and unaccepted, how can this God love me? Or more importantly, why would He?
I am quite certain that I have shared on here that my childhood was not the best one could experience. I spent a lot of time feeling unloved, unappreciated and just plain worthless. Actually, I was told these things numerous times by people who were supposed to be my support. A shy little girl would have no choice but to grow up believing herself to be worthless when faced with what I had to endure.
However, having been a Christian for 18 years now I can say that while I may still not understand why or how, I know that my amazing God has a love for me that I will never be able to fully comprehend. I do not know this because I am told this, but because I can feel it. When I am weak and scared, I feel His arms wrap around me. When I am mad I hear a still soft voice telling me to trust in Him. When I cant trust in anything else, I know without a shadow of a doubt that He loves me more than I will ever even know.
The why and how that I do not understand does not matter. That is so hard for me to wrap my mind around but it is truth. Whether I feel worthy or not, God loves me. Whether I understand just how much He loves me, He still loves me. As my favorite song says...
I am quite certain that I have shared on here that my childhood was not the best one could experience. I spent a lot of time feeling unloved, unappreciated and just plain worthless. Actually, I was told these things numerous times by people who were supposed to be my support. A shy little girl would have no choice but to grow up believing herself to be worthless when faced with what I had to endure.
However, having been a Christian for 18 years now I can say that while I may still not understand why or how, I know that my amazing God has a love for me that I will never be able to fully comprehend. I do not know this because I am told this, but because I can feel it. When I am weak and scared, I feel His arms wrap around me. When I am mad I hear a still soft voice telling me to trust in Him. When I cant trust in anything else, I know without a shadow of a doubt that He loves me more than I will ever even know.
The why and how that I do not understand does not matter. That is so hard for me to wrap my mind around but it is truth. Whether I feel worthy or not, God loves me. Whether I understand just how much He loves me, He still loves me. As my favorite song says...
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind an mercy
Think on those amazing words for a minute. Consider a hurricane; the power of the winds and the forces of nature. I am a tree in the middle this amazing storm, bending at the amounts of love that He is pouring out all around me. The metal image that this song paints for me amazes me every time I hear it. In my mind I see myself as a tree, fragile and in tears; struggling in life. All the while, God's love is pouring out so strong all around me. When I focus on Him I can clearly see the hurricane force winds pounding my heart so strong that I cannot stand in His presence. His love, while I will never comprehend it fully, amazes me.
I am posting a link to this song so you can listen to it. It is called "How He Loves" by David Crowder. Take a minute, close your eyes and imagine yourself as this tree in the midst of a hurricane of God's love. Think for a minute on just how amazing He is. Our God is so awesome!
Monday, February 1, 2016
Identity
From as far back as I can remember I have struggled with my own identity. I do not remember one point in my life when I knew exactly where I belonged and who I was. This is something that I've hoped, wish and begged God for; some sort of peace and comfort in being able to identify with someone, somewhere.
When I was three years old, my dad, brother and I moved in with my grandma. This is the pace that I loved to be. However it did not last long. My dad remarried and we moved to a different town. I was a shy little girl in first grade and did not know how to make new friends, so I sat alone most days. By the time that I was a bit older I had made some new friends, I even had a few that I considered best friends, but my home life was not good so that desperate need lingered and I was miserable from deep within. I was never taught how to handle my feelings or how to deal with anything, I was simply left as worthless, which was exactly how I felt.
When I was older I thought for sure that if I lived with my mom I would find my place in this world, so once again I moved, this time three hours away. a quarter of the way through my eighth grade year I started a new life with my mom. I was very happy to be with her, but school life was not good. The kids had already formed relationships and I was the oddball. Still the shy little girl inside, I just kept to myself and took all of the ridicule and bullying that came my way. By this point in my life, I was sure that I was worthless as I had always been taught. But I was going to change and find my way.
The next fall, when I started high school was my big break; or so I thought. This was where I would find myself. The town we lived in was big, so the high school was a combination of three different middle schools, this was all new kids and I was going to force myself to break out of my shell. So that is exactly what I did. I made friends, had boyfriends, and hung out having fun. The only problem is that it still did not satisfy my need for feeling like I belong.
After high school I didn't do too bad, I worked two jobs, moved out and got married and attempted to start a life. But when problems arose, I was gone. That started a long time of going back and forth trying to find where "home" was. I'd go to southern Ohio (where I was raised), then go back to central Ohio thinking that must be home. Only to find that whatever it was I was looking for was not there.
I felt as if there were no place that I belonged and that I must truly be worthless. Then one day I found out I was pregnant. I had my first son alone and decided him and I would start a life and surely now I had worth; I belonged with my son. I was saved a year later, joined a church and met my husband. We had more kids and I quit my job to be a full time house wife and home school mom. I was positive that I had found where I belonged. I poured my whole heart and life into my family. I was warned by many to continue to have a life for myself but I did not heed these warnings.
While raising my kids and caring for my family I felt the most needed, accepted and wanted than I ever have in my life. I thought that must be what I was created to do. That is such a wonderful thought; however there is a flaw in this as well. Kids grow up; my job was to help them grow so that they could have their own life, not be MY life. They have done that. They are not all grown yet, but they are all old enough to be their own people; one had already graduated and began his own life apart from us. My children are wonderful and I am so very proud of them. But I have recently realized that while they are a huge part of my life, they also are not my identity.
So now here I am, 41 years old and still not sure who I am or where I belong. I feel as though I have wasted my entire life looking for something that is not there. I regret that. For now I am finally starting to realize that my identity is not in who accepts me, where I live, or my circumstances. My identity is in my amazing God. He created me. He loves me and has a purpose for me regardless of if I or anyone else can see it. I have not learned how to accept myself but I am finally trying. I pray that God takes my life and uses me. I pray that God helps me to see my identity in Him. Also, my reason in writing this is that I pray that God will use my life-long struggle to help others to see that they have worth in Him as well. We are His. We need to look to Him for our identity, not to anything or anyone else.
When I was three years old, my dad, brother and I moved in with my grandma. This is the pace that I loved to be. However it did not last long. My dad remarried and we moved to a different town. I was a shy little girl in first grade and did not know how to make new friends, so I sat alone most days. By the time that I was a bit older I had made some new friends, I even had a few that I considered best friends, but my home life was not good so that desperate need lingered and I was miserable from deep within. I was never taught how to handle my feelings or how to deal with anything, I was simply left as worthless, which was exactly how I felt.
When I was older I thought for sure that if I lived with my mom I would find my place in this world, so once again I moved, this time three hours away. a quarter of the way through my eighth grade year I started a new life with my mom. I was very happy to be with her, but school life was not good. The kids had already formed relationships and I was the oddball. Still the shy little girl inside, I just kept to myself and took all of the ridicule and bullying that came my way. By this point in my life, I was sure that I was worthless as I had always been taught. But I was going to change and find my way.
The next fall, when I started high school was my big break; or so I thought. This was where I would find myself. The town we lived in was big, so the high school was a combination of three different middle schools, this was all new kids and I was going to force myself to break out of my shell. So that is exactly what I did. I made friends, had boyfriends, and hung out having fun. The only problem is that it still did not satisfy my need for feeling like I belong.
After high school I didn't do too bad, I worked two jobs, moved out and got married and attempted to start a life. But when problems arose, I was gone. That started a long time of going back and forth trying to find where "home" was. I'd go to southern Ohio (where I was raised), then go back to central Ohio thinking that must be home. Only to find that whatever it was I was looking for was not there.
I felt as if there were no place that I belonged and that I must truly be worthless. Then one day I found out I was pregnant. I had my first son alone and decided him and I would start a life and surely now I had worth; I belonged with my son. I was saved a year later, joined a church and met my husband. We had more kids and I quit my job to be a full time house wife and home school mom. I was positive that I had found where I belonged. I poured my whole heart and life into my family. I was warned by many to continue to have a life for myself but I did not heed these warnings.
While raising my kids and caring for my family I felt the most needed, accepted and wanted than I ever have in my life. I thought that must be what I was created to do. That is such a wonderful thought; however there is a flaw in this as well. Kids grow up; my job was to help them grow so that they could have their own life, not be MY life. They have done that. They are not all grown yet, but they are all old enough to be their own people; one had already graduated and began his own life apart from us. My children are wonderful and I am so very proud of them. But I have recently realized that while they are a huge part of my life, they also are not my identity.
So now here I am, 41 years old and still not sure who I am or where I belong. I feel as though I have wasted my entire life looking for something that is not there. I regret that. For now I am finally starting to realize that my identity is not in who accepts me, where I live, or my circumstances. My identity is in my amazing God. He created me. He loves me and has a purpose for me regardless of if I or anyone else can see it. I have not learned how to accept myself but I am finally trying. I pray that God takes my life and uses me. I pray that God helps me to see my identity in Him. Also, my reason in writing this is that I pray that God will use my life-long struggle to help others to see that they have worth in Him as well. We are His. We need to look to Him for our identity, not to anything or anyone else.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)