Robb Bussa

 You've been introduced to my son Joshua who is a main character in my books, now I'd like to introduce you to my brother. He is one of the main characters in my new novel, Withstanding the Storm. Robb is a very  important part of this book, and will be in the books to follow in the Seasons Series, which the novel is the first installment. 

Robb Bussa was the first born of Larry and Marianne Bussa on November 12, 1969. He was born a healthy, happy baby boy. I'm not exactly sure, but I'm guessing that five years later, when his baby sister (me!!) was born he was thrilled. I know that his entire life he loved being a big brother and he was good at it. 

He hated his middle name, (and out of respect for him and that fact, I'll leave it out of this post) but he loved his first name. He always seemed so proud of his name and our southern Ohio heritage. He, as did I, loved being from our little town of Friendship, Ohio and had the best group of friends that were more like family. (Spoiler alert, you'll meet a lot of them in the new novel as well!) Robb and I were always happiest when we were in our little part of the world there on the Ohio River. 

Life got hard, real hard for the two of us. I won't go into the details here because that's not what this post is about, but it is important to mention that things were not easy. Robb was older and had a way out to deal with the hard times, but he always worried about me. In fact, even though he was very happy with his life in southern Ohio, when it came time for him to chose his happiness and my well-being, he chose me. He gave up everything that he loved in life and moved three hours away for my benefit. This is how much he loved me and shows how he would give up anything for me, his precious little sister. Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea, Robb was no saint. He was human and he was definitely not perfect, but he cared. He loved. He did what he could to always be there for his little sister. 

Me on the other hand, I was not so caring. I'm ashamed to say this, but at that time in my life I thought only of myself. I couldn't see how he loved me or what he was doing for me. There were many times in my life that Robb was literally the only person that I had. He had his problems and I had mine, but he chose to stand by me. Again please don't get me wrong, I helped him and we had many, many examples of how we were both there for each other but when push comes to shove, he was certainly a better brother than I was a sister. 

In his last days, I could not see past my own hurt and be there for him. He was dying and I knew it. I can see now that I couldn't stand the thought of life without my brother and I was very mad at him. I pushed him to fight for his life when he had no fight left in him. I didn't understand that pain that he was in, all I could see was myself and not wanting to live a life without him. So instead, I yelled at him. I begged him to fight and when he said no, I got mad. 

My last conversation with him is one that I will never forget. He called me that morning and asked me to do something for him. I was busy so I said no. I told him that he would be just find to do it himself, (it was just to make a phone call, something I could have easily done for him.) He finally agreed that he would make the phone call and I hastily tried to end the call. He stopped me from hanging up and said "Steph... I love you."

"Yeah, love you too" I said and quickly hung up. I would give almost anything in the world to get those last few minutes back. It was like he knew but I didn't. Just a few hours later I received a call from my step-dad. A call I will never forget, because I have not been able to take a breathe the same ever since. 

"Steph, Robb's gone!" he said. Thinking that he wasn't there I shrugged it off and asked him to check with his friends and that he was probably there. "No, Steph, listen, he's here but he's gone!" 

Reality slowly sank in and I felt my own heart stop. Brothers don't die! He can't be dead! "Call the squad! Get somebody there quick to help him!" I screamed. The squad was already there. My brother was gone. There would be no more phone calls. No more visits. No more late night talks with pizza while playing video games. No more anything. He was gone. My brother's life had ended with me fighting with him and refusing to accept his choices. 

That night was 16 1/2 years ago. Thursday, August 19, 2004. A day I hate. A day I will never forget. A day I will forever regret. I will never regret any of my actions more than this day. Life has gone on and I have raised my babies, those nieces and nephews that he adored more than life itself. They grew up without their uncle and there's nothing I can do about that. I am powerless to change anything that happened that day and I have learned so much from it. 

Because of Robb I had life. no, he didn't give me life but he fought for it. He helped me and kept me going so many times. The fact that I couldn't be there for him breaks my heart into pieces that will never be fixed. 

However, I get to give him life again in my books. Robb was also a writer so I know if he has a window to watch me that he is so proud that I have taken the profession that he and my dad had and let them live on through my writing. So it only made sense to bring him back to life in my books, only with my children who have passed on. 

This new novel, if you haven't guessed, is very personal for me. Robb and my children get to go on adventures together and enjoy time together. Robb gets to show the kids some of the things that were very important to us when we were young, including those close friends I mentioned earlier. His physical life may be over, but I will never let his memory die. I will forever be changed by his death. I will forever make every moment count and try my hardest not to let myself leave someone being upset with them. I always try to make sure to tell my loved ones how much I adore them because I learned from Robb, among many other things, that life doesn't ever guarantee another second. 

I love you big brother and I miss you desperately. I promise I will keep writing. I promise I will keep loving. I'm so glad I was able to give you life again and I can't wait to see what all else you will get to do with your niece and nephew in the remainder of the Seasons Series. 

"Good" Friday Reflection

 My husband and I just had a conversation about something that I had thought of in my heart my entire life. Today is Good Friday. It is the day that we remember that Jesus died on the cross. The day that he was betrayed by all of his creation, He was beaten, bruised and completely broken. He was brutally murdered yet completely innocent. He was tortured for us. What is good about that? Why do we call it good? 

I can only answer this one way. It was good for us. It was the best news ever for us, at the time anyway, because we all know that the best news comes on Sunday! It is good news because there is nothing that we could ever do to pay for our sins, but in his death He made the way for us. So even though His murder was horrible, it was still good for us, thus Good Friday. 

I like to think of this day as a day of reflection. To reflect on the events of the entire week. One of my biggest fears (other than if you know me, SNAKES!) is knowing when I am about to die. Jesus spent this entire week doing things for people knowing not only that he would die within days but knowing fully what all would happen. I can't even imagine! I'm terrified to lay on my death bed knowing I'm dying soon, but He lived His life healthy knowing the horrors that would be coming to Him at the end of the week. Just to reflect on that one thing amazes me to speechlessness. But there's more. 

Jesus spent His last week on earth the same way He spent the rest of His human life. He loved His people. He knew He way going to be leaving them and He wanted to prepare them for His absence. His only concern was for His loved ones. His love truly knows no bounds. 

Jesus was praised then thrown to the wolves. He could have at any moment spoken one word and it all would've stopped, but He didn't. He kept pushing on and loving His people all the way until the end. Reflecting on this brings me to my knees in praise. I will never be able to fathom the love that He has for us. 

So in reflection on Good Friday, it is good. It is good because He is good. He is more than good. There is no word in the English language worthy of explaining how good He is. Yet, I constantly fail Him. I constantly stray. But He constantly stays right there ready to take me back. As the song says, there is truly none like Him. 

The Inspiration

 My childhood was not the best. I don't say that to place blame on anyone, I am way past that. I say that just because it is fact and it helps explain some things in this post. Life is what we make it and we learn from the good but I'd say we probably learn even better from the bad things that we experience in our lives. This is just one example of something that I've learned. 

When I was a young girl I didn't live with my mom. There were a lot of times that I was not allowed to see her and she lived three hours away so I was away from her a lot. When I was in middle school I was desperate for extra time with my mom and still not getting much. Again, I am not saying this for pity and to place blame, there is a point, please stay with me. 

I grew up an awesome time when music was at its best (in my opinion anyway). Yes, if you haven't guessed it, I grew up in the eighties. Music has always been an important part of my life, but in the eighties there were quite a few songs that really helped me get through those hard times. One such song is the subject of this blogpost. 

I was more into the hair bands, good ole rock n roll; Motley Crue, Poison, Bon Jovi, Guns n Roses, all those good ones. But I also liked some of the softer rock. Chicago was one of my favorites for the softer rock. They had a love song called "You're the Inspiration". Now this song was obviously written for a couples type of love, but in my state of mind at the time, I related it to a different kind of love. 

The song starts "You know our love was meant to be, the kind of love that lasts forever. And I want you here with me, from tonight until the end of time." From the very first line, this song would be my love song to my mom. She and I were supposed to love each other forever. It was never meant to be a quick love, but mother and daughter together forever. We were supposed to be spending a lot of time together and she was supposed to be helping me grow and learn the ways of this crazy world. Unfortunately for us, that is not what God had planned. (But it's good in the end, so keep hanging on!)

The next verse had me thinking of my mom even more. "You should know everywhere I go, Always on my  mind, in my heart, in my soul." Shouldn't moms be the one who always should know where a pre-teen girl goes? Shouldn't a mom always be always in a young girls heart, soul and mind? All the other girls had their moms to talk to. This song gave me hope to know that even though she wasn't with me, I was on my mom's heart. This song reminded me that my mom was my everything even if she wasn't right by my side. 

Another verse talks about how its plain to see that we're so in love when we were together. How its clear to everyone that sees the couple how much they love each other and how special they are to each other. I would think about that when I would get to visit my mom and how others could tell that we were happy together. not in a couples love kind of way, obviously, but that we had a special relationship and loved each other and were happy to be together. 

The chorus says "You're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration. You bring feeling to my life, you're the inspiration. I wanna have you near me. I wanna have you near me saying, no one needs you more than I need you." This was the part where I'd start bawling. Who needs a mother more than a daughter? No one! When listening to this I would start screaming "No one needs you more than I need you!" I would yell out wishing desperately that she would hear and come get me. No matter what, a young girl needs her mom and nothing else is more important. 

When I was a little older, Thanksgiving of the eighth grade year to be exact, I was allowed to move to my mom's house. I was so happy! But I had also grown to be very bitter. The young girl who had lived a lonely sad life in a small town was now finally living with her mom in a big city. No friends and no clue. I became quite the brat. So even though now I was finally spending every day with my mom, it wasn't long before I became bitter and rebelled and my poor mom got the brunt of it. It wasn't her fault and deep down I was just happy to be with her, but I was not nice. 

In those dark days, I would turn this song off every time it came on. I refused to listen to it because I knew my attitude was wrong. I loved my mom so much, but I hadn't yet learned how to deal with my feelings and for some reason, just directed them all towards my mom; she was just the closest person around and the easiest target. Before you ask, yes, I've apologized profusely to my mom and I will even do so now. Mom, I know you're reading this. I'm so sorry for all the pain I put you through and I love you so much. I couldn't have made it this far without you. Thank you for never giving up on me!!

So now when I hear that song I have a number of emotions. I re-live my entire life when I hear You're the Inspiration. My lonely childhood flashes by and I feel sad, then my bitter, angry years and I'm filled with shame. Finally, my adult life, where I can see how special my mom is and how much I love her. She has done so much for me and in every part of my life, even when I was miserable and no one should have loved me, she was always there. On my mind, in my heart and in my soul. My inspiration. Love that I didn't deserve. Love just because. 

Now I'm old. I've raised my own kids and have enjoyed seeing my mom be the best Momaw ever. I see how close she is to my kids and how much they adore her also. I see how blessed I am. I know that I was right in dedicating this song to my mom. She is an amazing woman. She has been through hell and make multiple times and she's still standing. She's still loving and forgiving; more than me that's for sure. I'm so lucky. I'm so blessed. Thank you mom so much for everything. I know I haven't been the best daughter, but I love you and appreciate you more than you'll ever know. 

Peter Cetera and the rest of Chicago might have had a different idea in mind, but I'm so glad that they gave us this song, because it has taught me so much about life and how important moms are. No, how important MY mom is. I love you mom. 9

You're the Inspiration