Father's Day

Don't blink! It's what they always say. Time goes by too fast and people you love will be gone before you know it. Don't wish to grow up too quickly and respect your parents while they are here. These are all things that you hear and never think about-until it's too late, that is. I am no different; I have heard these things my entire life and never paid any attention to them and now it is too late. Now I celebrate Father's day by visiting my dad's grave.

My dad is buried in the very small town that I grew up in; Friendship, Ohio. He has been gone six years now. He is buried beside my brother and behind my grandparents. I spent a lot of time at this place, Friendship Cemetery, with my dad. We would visit graves and he would tell me stories of the family members that had gone on before us. He was a great story teller and I loved listening to his stories. I can still point out many of the graves and tell some of the stories; although not quite as good as he once did. Later on, we would visit my brother's grave. This would prove to be the hardest grave I would ever visit. My dad's health began failing so I would help him get down the hill and we would sit and talk about my grandparents and my brother. Neither of us had ever dreamed that my brother would be gone so soon; but there it was, his name on a headstone.

Friendship Cemetery became a place that I would visit every time that I would travel to my hometown so today was no different. It was as if my car automatically knows where to turn and where to stop. It sometimes feels like a magnet is drawing me there at times. My entire childhood is laying there in their graves in one block of the cemetery. I always wonder when I am there, "Why am I still here?" It has been a real struggle in my life since they have all passed.

But today is Father's day, so today is about my dad. I had the unexpected pleasure of being down home today, so I went to "visit" him. I sat at his grave and tried to clear away some of the grass and tidy it up a bit. I left a Father's Day card for him. Yes I know that he will never see it. I know that the rain will destroy the card eventually or some form of nature will destroy it. But I needed to leave it for him anyway. It's funny, if he were here he would ask me why I was littering. I promise daddy, this is the only littering that I will ever do.

So today as the rest of the country celebrates Father's Day I will celebrate by remembering. I remember how much he loved me. I remember the big smile that would quickly grow on his face when I would come to visit. I remember his beautiful blue eyes, the same ones that he gave me. I remember how he would take me out to look at the stars. I remember how he would tell me stories of our ancestors. I also remember how everyone told me not to blink and to not take things for granted. I didn't listen. My daddy is gone forever and I will not see him ever again in this life. But I will see him in my mind and he will always be there. So if you still have your parents, your grandparents, your siblings, your loved ones with you please love them. Let them know how much they mean to you. Don't wait until it's too late and all that you have is a grave to visit. Conversations take a drastic turn when it becomes one-on-one with a stone.

The stone I made for my dad. 

My dad loved dogs. This little puppy "sleeps" all snuggled up between his and my brother's headstones. I sure wish I could snuggle up in my daddy's lap like I did when I was young. 

This is the headstone that my mom helped me make for my dad. I didn't have the money to buy him one so I tried desperately to make it look nice. The Bum Bowl was a football game played at my grandma's house every year at Thanksgiving. My dad's nickname was "Bum"

The grave of my dad and my brother. I still blows my mind to think that this is all that is left of them. My heart breaks at the thought every time. This feeling will never end. 

Happy Father's Day Daddy. I love you. I miss you. 

I wish you were still here. 

Scrapbook Memorial

I was doing some housework the other day and I came across a bin full of pictures that had been stored away. We were trying to sell our house at one point and were told by our realtor to put most personal things away because people like to visualize their own lives in the house, not yours. I had so much fun re-living these precious moments as I looked through the images of my life. As I dug through the pictures I came across a scrapbook that I had made and my heart stopped. Somehow, I had forgotten about this scrapbook but as I flipped the pages my mind and my heart were back in the time that I had made it. This scrapbook was a memorial to my son Joshua Daniel,  the child that I had aborted.

I had made this scrapbook as a part of my healing journey through the HEART (Healing the Effects of Abortion Related Trauma) program. This is the front cover. Simple, yet powerful. He has a name. He has an identity. This book proves it. He had not even one breathe on this earth, but he was a person. 

I won't share the entire book in this post, but I picked a few pages to share. First, of course, is his introduction. I was seventeen weeks pregnant when I had the abortion and had planned on keeping him so when I was dealing with my abortion my mom had found the ultrasound picture that had somehow, praise God been kept tucked away. This is the only picture I will ever have of my son. You can see his head, his body, the cord that provided life to him. You can see that he was a human. He had life. There should be no question to that fact. 

The next picture that I want to share in this post is one of the many pages in my scrapbook that show my questions. With abortion you are left with nothing but questions. What would he have looked like? What color eyes would he have had? Would he be a lot like his siblings? Would he look like them? This page in my book is a personal one. I have a huge love for dogs. I am questioning if he would have had the same love. Which breed would be his favorite? Would he have preferred large dogs or small ones? Would he have been a cat lover instead? Maybe I could've bought him a little stuffed animal that looked like is favorite dog; if only I knew the answers to this question. If only I had let him live. The questions always lead to regret.                                                                              

         

The next two pages that I want to share are heart-wrenching. Young parents should buy stick in band-aides, they are used constantly. I hated to see my children hurt, but when they would come to me with a boo-boo and want me to kiss is and cover it with a band-aid my heart just melted. I loved being there for my children and that was a symbol for me of my presence and care for them. They were also a symbol of the child who's boo-boos I would never be able to kiss and make better. I will never hear his cries and I will never be able to help him through his hearts. He is gone and will never return to me. I made the "choice" and I will live with it every day of my life. 

When you turn to the next page all you see is a blank page. You have to lift the sheet of paper to see what I have written. It is a symbol of all that is blank in my life now due to the "choice" of abortion. I learned too late that he was more than a clump of cells. He was m y child. I am the mother of a child in Heaven. My heart will forever have an empty space and long for this child. Notice that I wrote these words in red. This is to symbolize the blood on my hands regarding his death. Yes, not the abortion, not the end of my pregnancy but his death. That is what he experienced that October day; death.

I will forever miss my child. I will forever love my child. My precious Joshua Daniel Loughman, you were loved too late, but you are loved. You are missed. I hope I can use your short life to help save other lives in your memory. Forever, I am sorry and I love you dearly. Until we meet in Heaven.

New Life

Lately I've been struggling in my Christian walk. Even before this whole COVID thing, I haven't been able to go to church in a very long time because I am a server and in my business, you work on Sundays. I haven't yet found a church that I could attend on Sunday evenings and my church doesn't have that option. So as I go about my daily struggle, I have been praying and asking God to take me back to the day I was saved. I wanted to remember the joy, the amazement and the acceptance that I felt that wonderful night. Then God reminded me that I envision things so much better when I write about them, so I decided to blog about it.

I had been living a life of wondering. Mental breakdowns, bad choices and bitterness had ruled my life so far and I had no clue that there was any life besides that. At twenty-three years old I had already been divorced, had a baby out of wedlock and had an abortion. I didn't go to college and had no direction in life except to raise my son the best I could, I adored him with all my heart and he was the only thing in life to look forward to that I had.

There was a guy that I worked with named Jason  that I had felt drawn to. He was a Christian and was always singing hymns and praise songs. It was in a lumber yard, most of the people there were not very Christian friendly and most picked on him quite a bit. I was brought up in the church and would always get picked on for going to church so I felt the need to stand up for him. I was constantly telling the guys to leave him alone. After seeing me take a stand for him, Jason and I started to talk. He was telling me about the Bible and I started feeling drawn to read God's Word. One day, Jason told me about a Christmas play at his church. That would be the night my life changed forever.

Jason's church was in another town, about an hour away. He lived in yet another town, so we met half way and I followed him to the church. When we got there, I found out that Jason was actually in the play and we were among the first there because he had to have a practice run-through before. So I sat there by myself in an empty, very big church. That was a big thing for me because I had a fear of being alone. It left me alone to my thoughts and I had fought very hard in my past to never be alone with my thoughts.

But there I sat, totally alone and when people did start trickling in, I had no idea who they were and they didn't know me, so no one came to speak to me. I spent that time doing what I had always done when I was alone, thought about how miserable I was and hearing my thoughts betray me and tell me that I would never be a good person worthy of living, let alone do anything good. I fighting tears (something else that I NEVER let anyone see me do!) before the play even started.

A few scenes into the play I was transported. My body sat in a church full of strangers, but my soul seemed to be in a different dimension. It was like no one around me could see me or hear me. But I did hear a voice. To me, it was very audible and I knew exactly who this voice was. It was Jesus, I have no question about this. He asked me if I was finally sick of the life that I had been living. I quickly replied "YES!" I was totally broken. I literally felt as if my entire soul lay on the floor in a thousand pieces like a puzzle, desperate for someone to put me back together. (Yes, I am a very imaginative person.) God spoke to me and told me that He had always been with me and that He was waiting for my return to Him. He told me that He loved me and I asked how He could with all that I had done, tears now streaming down my face. I didn't see anything but I felt God wrap His amazing arms around me and tell me that He loved me regardless of what I had done. He told me that I was His child whether I felt like it or not and that He died for me. He wanted to know if I was ready to give my life to Him and begin living what can only be the true way to live, in Him. I told Him that I had nothing left; nothing left to offer. He told me all He wanted was me. I gladly accepted that invitation that night and have never regretted it since.

Now I realize that some may read this and laugh. God actually talking to me, like that happened, right?  My answer is simple, yes! This wasn't a physical conversation, it was a spiritual one. I really can't explain it because I don't think that it's something that our finite minds con comprehend but I know without any shadow of a doubt that I was reborn that day. It was a miracle that has changed me totally. I didn't all the sudden become happy, I became full of joy. I had a completely different outlook on life when I walked out of the church that night.

About a month later, I was beginning to get involved in a church and had even met the man who would become my husband. I was setting out for a life in Christ. I went to work and I saw Jason. He had been driving an hour to work every day because there were no jobs available in his area. He told me one day that a transfer had been approved for him to work at the store nearer to his home. I told him that I believed that he had been there for me so he could help guide me to God. He said "Ya know, I think you're right and it was totally worth it. I'm so glad I could be a part of that for you." I thanked him for all he had done.

Other than him coming to my wedding a few months later, I have not seen Jason since. The story isn't about him, but I thank God for using him as a help to guide me to God. I will forever be thankful. I hope that God will use me as a "Jason" to someone. My life belongs to Jesus and I hope that people see that and that God will use me to guide others to Him. I guess I just needed to go back to where it all began for me and I wanted to share it with you, my friends. Never forget, God is good. He is life-changing. He is the One True Way.

Unicorns and Challenges

This blog has unfortunately been way more sporadic than I had hoped it would be. Lately, I have been wanting to devote more time to writing and have even joined a group to help me with that. One of the things that I have committed to is to use this blog more often. So I asked my fan base on Facebook to give me some ideas of things to write about. My number one fan, who is always there for me no matter what (my amazing husband) is the only reply that I got. While my husband is my rock, he also is at times a smart aleck and a silly goose and decided to give me something weird to write about. He said he wants to read about unicorns. Ok my love, challenge accepted. 

So when I think of unicorns I usually go back to my childhood. Pretty little ponies with flowing manes and of course crazy colors. The beautiful creatures that we would see in a Lisa Frank coloring book were always some of my favorites, they were always so pretty. I knew that they were mythical but I have a very active imagination and could always see myself riding one through the air and it being my best friend. It was fun to imagine. But I never took it any farther than that because well, they're not real and I understood that. 

When my husband asked me to write about unicorns, (Which if you didn't catch it, he was just being a goofball, he didn't really want to read about unicorns but he is now!) I figured I would do a little research and see what I could find to write about. Oh my was I surprised! People actually asking if unicorns are real and how to become one! It mad me sad for our society that has become so down and clueless. Or maybe they are all just being silly like my husband, who knows? 

I got another shock when I found out that unicorns are actually mentioned in the Bible. "Really? I thought! No way!" So I looked it up and there it was in black and white. Unicorns are actually in the Bible. One verse is Psalm 92:10 and it says 

But my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of an unicorn: 

I shall be anointed with fresh oil. 

There are other verses as well where unicorns are mentioned in Numbers and Deuteronomy. I couldn't believe it! Surely, they weren't talking about what we see as unicorns! So I changed the version of the Bible I was looking at and realized that they are only called unicorns in one of them; the King James Version. All of the others that I looked at referred to the animal as ox or oxen. Now maybe my husband who studies Hebrew and Greek can tell us why they would call an ox a unicorn, but I surely cannot. It will take more study to figure that one out. 

I also found something that wasn't quite as shocking. People had asked if unicorns were extinct and they were answered with a website for the WWF that talks about the unicorn being in danger. I love their imagination and sense of humor in this! On the site, you scroll through some things that talk about what the horns are being poached for and why the unicorns are in danger, then about halfway down it says "Getting Real About Unicorns". The site then goes on to tell the reader that unicorns are not real but there is a real animal that is similar and in real need of help. That animal is the rhinoceros. WWF makes the connection and does a wonderful job showing the need for real help for this very real creature. 

So I've given just three small things that I have found in my mini search for unicorns, "so what?" you ask.  Am I just rambling? No, I've found a lesson in even this small, silly task. A few actually, 

Lesson one is that you can find information about anything on the internet, Big deal, everyone knows that. But does everyone realize that just because it's on there that doesn't make it true? I sure hope all of the people asking if unicorns were real and how to become one were kidding, but knowing how society is these days, I'm not so sure. The lesson is that we need to be careful in the things we read on the internet and don't just automatically believe that they are true. I believe that may be part of the reason that we have sunken so low as a society is because we just openly believe anything that we hear. 

The one thing that everyone doesn't just automatically believe when they hear it is the fact that God loves you so much that He sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross to pay for your sins. That's the most important thing to believe! But that also brings me to lesson number 2, taking things out of context. I could have just read that verse in Psalms and said "See, unicorns are real! It says so in the Bible!" Sadly, people do that all the time and it causes so much confusion and makes people turn away from the truth. You have to dig into the Word and see what it is truly saying. You can't take just one verse and make it what you want it to be. 

Lesson three, be like the great folks at WWF. Be gentle and use things for good. Take something silly and use it to show a real need. But don't get stuck on the imaginary. It's ok to imagine, like I said I have a huge imagination. I can picture things that others can't and I love having that ability. But I have to recognize what's real and what's not. I was shocked when I found out that not everyone knows that. I'm not trying to pat myself on the back or anything, I'm just sharing what I have learned. 

So thank you Cary, my wonderful husband. Thank you for the challenge that you probably didn't even realize that you were giving me (or maybe you did it on purpose?). Thank you for reminding me that there is a lesson in everything and that researching and digger deeper is always necessary to get the real truth. Ok, who's next? What's the next crazy thing you all would like for me to write about? 

Finding Hope and Healing

October 9, 1997 was the day that changed my life forever. On that day, I traveled a half hour to a neighboring city so that I could have an abortion. I walked into the hospital pregnant and walked out a totally different person. They say that abortion is a right that every woman should have so she can decide what happens to her own body, but they don't tell you how devastated and full of regret you will be after this "choice". This is the story of how I transformed from a pro-choice person to a full of regret post-abortive woman.

You can read the story that lead up to my abortion here and you can read abortion the actual day of my abortion here. It was the events that I wrote about in those posts that lead me to years of guilt, shame and regret. It is the events in this post, however, that lead me to finding healing and freedom forever.

When I left the hospital that October day, I swore to myself that I would push this abortion so far in the back of my head that I would never think of it again. I was sad that my baby was gone, but I was relieved that this problem was over. I didn't have to face my family again with another unwed pregnancy, I could get out of the relationship with this abusive man, I could start my life anew and never look back. I only had one more thing to do, convince the baby's father that I had a miscarriage.

When he came over and asked where I had been, I told him that I had been in the hospital and that I had a miscarriage. He was sad and said that he wanted to see the baby and bury it. I hadn't expected this but luckily I thought quick and told him that it wasn't possible. He kept trying by telling me that his cousin had a miscarriage and was able to bury the baby. I told him that it was offered to me but that I was too devastated to agree to that and that I had asked them to just do whatever they needed to do with the body. Lying was very easy for me at that time. He didn't want to let it go, but he finally did. He drove away obviously upset, but I didn't care. All I cared about was that he was finally gone. I had won and was away from this evil man for good. I couldn't have been happier!

For two months I went on with life and was able to not think of the abortion at all. I was busy re-building my life when agreed to go to a Christmas play with a co-worker. When we arrived at the church I found out that we were very early because my friend was actually in the play and he had to prepare. So I found a seat and sat there, in an empty church, an hour away from where I lived just waiting for this play to start. People eventually started shuffling in and taking their seats; of course I knew no one so I sat silently by myself. This was not an easy situation for me. Not only had I never been a loner, It terrified me to be alone. I was not a crier at that time but as I sat there so alone, all I wanted to do was cry.

When the play started, I remember watching about fifteen minutes or so of it. Then the most exciting thing happened and I will never forget it. It was like I was in a different world all of the sudden. I was still in the church, and the play was still going on, but I was in a different realm. Then I heard a voice talking to me. The voice asked me if I had had enough of running from Him and living a pitiful existence. I knew the voice to be God. I knew my time of lies and desperation were over. I would give my life over to God and whatever He wanted me to do. Then the tears came as I apologized to God and asked for His forgiveness. I had no right to do so, but He forgave me anyway. He told me that He loved me and that He wanted to pick me up and clean me off. I begged Him to do so. It was the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced!

After that cold but glorious December night, I went home and eventually found a church to get involved in. I started going to a singles group there and met a man who asked me out on a date. I went and we got along great and began dating regularly. One night we went to a Kathy Troccoli concert with another couple. I still had not even brought my abortion up in even the back of m mind yet so I was shocked when I walked in and saw the merchandise for this concert. There was a song called "A Baby's Prayer", it was about an aborted baby who was concerned for his mother. The lyrics of this song was on the back of a t-shirt and when I saw it, I froze. I literally felt my heart stop. "OK God, " I thought, "if you want me to deal with this I will, but please not tonight!"

I couldn't breathe throughout the entire concert. I knew this song was going to come at some point. Finally, I thought the concert was over. The singer sat on the edge of the stage and talked about how much she loved her audience. Then a piano in the background softly started playing Jesus Loves Me. "Oh no, here it comes!" I thought. I had to built my strength up and get through these next few minutes, but that is not what happened. All that I had stuffed down so deep inside me started to come that night. I cried to the point that I couldn't breathe. I tried to get up to go to the bathroom,  but I literally couldn't move. Not one muscle in my body would move no matter how hard I willed it to. I wanted to just die right then and there.

At some point, the song and the concert ended and we left. I have very little memory of the time from that night after having cried so hard and fighting so hard to stop, I was exhausted. But when we neared my home, I realized that's I had to say something to my boyfriend about my behavior; surely he noticed and knew I had killed my child and of course, he would no longer be interested in me. I remember telling him and his beautiful eyes showed nothing but love and support. He told me all I needed to do was to "take it back to the cross." Wow, he didn't hate me! I was in awe. Could I really be forgiven of this horrible act?

I spent time talking to my boyfriend and my pastors about this and eventually came to the point where I felt like I was forgiven and that things would be ok. Our local crisis pregnancy center needed a post-abortion group and were wanting to start one and somehow, I had been asked to help start it. I had to go through the group in another city before starting it here, but it was only thirty minutes down the road so that wasn't a big deal. I agree, and went to the group thinking I was healed and just needed to do it to help others. The group was called HEART (Healing the Effects of Abortion Related Trauma) and it didn't take me long to realize that I had so much more healing to do. Going through HEART helped me to find true healing that only God could provide. I named my son and memorialized him. I also developed relationships with other women and realized that I didn't need to hang my head in shame but that there were so many other women struggling with the same thing as I was. I found out that I was not alone and that was the most beautiful realization in the world to me.

I agreed that day that I would use the rest of my life telling my story and helping other women deal with post-abortion trauma. God had not only forgiven me, but He healed me of such pain. I can now think of my son and memorialize him rather than be ashamed. I couldn't keep quiet, and I still can't. I love using my story, and my son's very short life to give God glory and show others how to find hope and healing through Him. I did help start the ministry at my local crisis pregnancy center and have lead others and well. I wrote a book and a Bible study in honor of my son and am in the process of writing my first novel which is a book that gives my son life. I hope to one day be able to work full time in the post-abortion ministry.

I walked into the hospital for my abortion a hurt, scared pregnant girl, I walked out devastated and full of shame. But God chose to not end my story there. He healed me and showed me grace and forgiveness and has allowed me to show others His amazing ways. Oh, and that boyfriend that I was sure would leave me when he found out I had had an abortion, we will celebrate twenty-two years of marriage this year and have raised eight beautiful children together. We have five grandchildren and have twin grand babies on the way. He is my biggest supporter and loves me way more than I deserve. I have truly been blessed so far beyond what I deserve, and I give God all the glory for that.

The Day My Child Died

Society tells us that abortion is just another medical procedure. No different than having a mole removed, they'll tell you. Not a big deal, you just go in and get it done, you'll feel relieved afterward. However, the reality of abortion is far different than what they tell you. When you go to have an abortion, you walk in unsure but determined to get through this. Then you wait for your turn which feels like an eternity while all you can do is sit there and second guess yourself while desperately wishing they would just hurry up and get this over with. There are different procedures and different experiences; here is my horrific story of my abortion experience.

I was seventeen weeks pregnant when I woke up one morning and decided that I needed to end my pregnancy for the safety of myself and my son. (See that story here). I made the phone calls and everything seemed all too easy. I couldn't go to a clinic because I was so far along in my pregnancy so I went to a doctor in a city about a half hour away from where I lived. I waited in the front area for my appointment and looked around at the few ladies that we in there with me. One was very pregnant and obviously there for her prenatal check up, another was a little older, 40s maybe, then there was me. I was going to an OB GYN to kill my baby. "What is wrong with me?" I thought. I quickly dismissed all the thoughts and reminded myself that this had to be done. I told myself that I needed to just push all emotions down and do this.

Then my name was called. I pushed down all my fears and doubts and walked into the room. The first thing that the nurse did was an ultrasound. She explained that she had to verify how far along I was. The nurse asked me if I wanted to see the ultrasound or if I wanted her to turn the screen. I knew what I would see if I looked at that screen and I was already struggling to keep my emotions at bay so I asked her to turn the screen. I remember how sympathetic she was; she seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being. At the time I thought it was a sweet gesture, now I wonder why; I mean if it was such a simple thing and ok to do, why did she act like I should be sad?

After the ultrasound I saw the doctor. He was very nice and, like the nurse, very sympathetic. He must have asked me a million times if I was sure that this was what I wanted to do. When I assured him that it was, he explained what would happen to me. Funny, I didn't consider it then, but he never explained what would happen to my baby. He made a special point to not make any mention of the baby or even the pregnancy, just what would happen.

I will try to be as gentle as I can with this description, but I think that it is important for this information to be revealed. The first thing that had to be done was laminaria insertion. This would basically start labor for me. It would begin to open my cervix so that the doctor would be able to "empty my uterus". So as a lay there on a cold table, legs spread out and only a thin hospital type gown on, the doctor sat in front of me ready to insert the labor sticks (as I called them to try and find some kind of humor, it didn't work.) the doctor looks at me one more time and says "Are you sure you want to do this? Because if not, there is no going back after I do this." He had asked me that so many times and I couldn't understand why. It was almost as if all of Heaven was trying to get me to stop what I was doing. So once again, I pushed down every emotion in me and told him it was what I wanted.

After the labor sticks were inserted I was sent home to wait. I had to wait until the next day for the abortion. So I had twenty four hours to just sit and think about what I was doing. If I'm being totally honest, I really don't remember much about what I did for the rest of that day. Whatever it was, I just tried to keep my mind off of what was going on inside my body. Just as with any other labor, early pains weren't much. At first I didn't really feel anything at all. Then, later on that night it was just crampy. Ok, I thought, I deserved to have some pain, this wasn't exactly a nice thing that I was doing. Besides, it wasn't too bad, nothing I couldn't handle. It wasn't that bad yet, anyways.

I woke up that next morning ready to get this over with. It was very early in the morning and I have never been much for early mornings so my mind was not quite working yet; I was very thankful for that. We drove the half hour but this time we weren't going to the doctor's office, we were going to the hospital. When I went to check in I was horrified when I found out where I was to report; LABOR AND DELIVERY! "That can't be right!" I said. Ugh, how was I going to get through this, I thought.

When I arrived to the labor and delivery department I was put in a big room with a bunch of other women. They were all laboring and about to give birth to their children, while I was killing mine. But sadly, my story just keeps getting worse. In this room, I laid in labor for a long time. I watched as these other women were getting wheeled out to a delivery room ready to have their babies and begin their lives as a new mother while I laid in pain knowing my child was about to die. The labor became very hard, so hard, in fact that I was ready to push. I looked at my mom and told her that I was terrified that I was going to have to have this baby. I knew that it was only moments before I would be pushing; the pain was so intense I couldn't stand it, and I have a very high tolerance for pain.

Finally they came to get me.  I remember being wheeled into the operating room. I looked around and there were so many people walking around the room, busily preparing to kill my child. I didn't know how it would happen, I didn't want to know. It would be years later that I found out the horror that my son experienced. After moving to the operating table I looked up and saw stirrups but they were hanging in the air, I'll never forget that because my mind pictured what my body would like during this procedure. Nothing about this was good, why was I doing this? Then a doctor sat by me and told me he wanted me to count backwards from ten. I remember saying "10... 9...8..." then I was out, and my child's life was over.

How My Life Changed Forever

I've talked a lot about my son Joshua and how sorry I am for his death. But I wanted to go a little further and now explain the situation that I was in. Abortion is always a debate, but I have always wanted to share my story to show why it is about much more than a debate or just a "choice". Abortion is so much more than one moment of time or one appointment at a clinic and never thought of again. There are struggles before to lead a woman to that point and a life of shame and regret afterward. Abortion is more than a moment, it is a life-changing event. 

For me, my abortion story started when a man brought a single rose to me at work. You know the cheap ones you buy at a gas station? Yeah, that's how desperate I was for attention. He asked me out and I went. We ended up spending a lot of time together after that. I really didn't care much for him, but he gave me attention which I needed and he had a son who I really loved. I didn't really think that I had much of a choice, so I continued the relationship. It was probably one of the lowest times of my life when it should've been the happiest. I had a young son (from a previous relationship) and loved him more than I could express. I had hoped that this man would provide a father figure for my son, but instead he offered nothing but problems. 

It wasn't long before I found out that I was pregnant. I had always considered myself pro-choice but also said that I would never do it myself. I thought that women should have a right to decide what happened to her own body, I never allowed myself to consider that pregnancy was about more than just a woman's body. I knew that for myself, I would keep the baby. However, I was growing tired of this relationship. He had become abusive, both physically and emotionally. I had known that his ex-wife had died but I began to believe that he had killed her. Certain things he said led me to believe that he had taken this poor woman's life so that he could keep his son. It took me a while, but I finally got out of the relationship. Then it became worse. He began stalking me and telling me that I could never get away from him because we had a baby together. Then I knew that I only had one way out. 

I literally woke up one morning and decided that I would have to have an abortion if I ever wanted away from this man. My child would have to pay the price with his life for my bad choices. I was seventeen weeks pregnant. I knew that my child was a real human life. I had heard his heartbeat. I had felt him grow. I also knew that If I didn't do this now then I would have a lifetime of being this man's captive. 

For the safety of my son and the sake of our happiness, I chose to abort my child. I decided that I would push all that I knew about pregnancy and the growth of a child in utero. I would not allow myself to even give one thought to what I was about to do. I told myself that this was what had to be done and that I was going to do it and hold my head up high. So that day I made the phone calls and set up my appointment. I had no idea how my entire world would change from this one "choice".