There is a great debate raging in our country... no, in our world. Each side of this debate screams their point of view with great emotion. They bicker back and forth, picket certain events, even get laws changed every once in a while which sparks even more furious debating. Unfortunately, however, most people are missing some very important aspects that go a little further than a simple "choice". Like the proverbial "Can't see the forest for the trees" problem, many lives are being devastated from this debate and not just the ones that you might think.
"It's my body, my choice!" some say. "No one has the right to tell me what I will or won't do!" This side have opted to name themselves "pro-choice". They proudly scream to the world that abortion should be legal and no one should have any problem with it because what one does with their own body is not the business of anyone else. I used to believe this. I always said "Well, I would never have an abortion myself, but why should anyone say that another shouldn't do it?" Sadly, I found out in a very personal way just why this "choice" was more than simply deciding which pair of jeans I would wear on what day.
The other side of the debate is just as emotional; if not more. This side is known as pro-life. They believe that life begins in the womb and that every life should be protected and considered precious from the very beginning. These people work hard showing others how abortion is wrong and offer better options so that these women can see that they can go on with their pregnancy and that things will all be ok. This is very precious work that I have great respect for. I have been there with women as they find out that they are pregnant and have no clue what they will do. I have seen the fear in their eyes and showed them love and courage instead. I have known many women who have made the choice to continue their pregnancy and not one of them have ever said that they wished they had chosen abortion. However, as we get into this debate, we need to see that there are some important people that we are forgetting.
I'm sure that immediately you are thinking, "That's right, you're forgetting about the baby that's been aborted! What about that life?" Yes, that life is precious and needs to be remembered. However, that is not the life that I am talking about in this post. Please do not get me wrong, every single baby needs to be fought for and is very important, but there are other precious lives being forgotten. The mother. I've heard the arguments, "Well she chose to kill her child, I hope she hears those cries for the rest of her life!" Trust me, she does!
The pro-choice crowd says that abortion is just a choice and that a woman has every right to do it, but offers no help when she does. She is supposed to show up on that dreadful day, have the abortion, then go on with normal, everyday life. But guess what, there is no "normal" anymore. She is now a mother without a child. For all of eternity, she will always be a mother, but will never have pictures, stories of childbirth, beautiful memories of a child. She has only regret. Guilt. Shame. She probably left the abortion clinic feeling relieved, maybe she thought "problem solved!" but it is not long before these other feelings creep into her life. The even bigger problem, who can she go to?
People sometimes have a hard enough sharing their problems with others, even close friends, but how does "she" tell someone that she allowed a doctor to take her baby from her and that she feels bad for it? The world is always saying that it's ok so why does she feel so bad? If she does try to say something, she might get a well-meaning friend to say "oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you feel bad, but you know it was probably better off anyway!" This is not helpful either. This childless mother hears her baby's cries every night. She wonders if her baby felt the abortion. She wonders if her baby would hate her for what she did. She looks at all other children and wonders what her child would have looked like. She is no longer ale to commit to any relationship because she does not feel worthy. She believed the lie that the abortion would fix everything, but now she knows that it did not. She has no idea how to continue on with her life, and there is no one around to help her. She has no child, no hope, nothing but guilt and shame; and no where to go.
I have been there. Even though I once said that I would never have an abortion, one day I chose to do just that. I felt relief at first. Until the day I realized what I had done. I have nine children. Six are living. One I aborted and two miscarriages. I now understand that three of my children are living in heaven waiting for me to join them. But I also understand that I am forgiven. I now know that this was no an unpardonable sin and that there still can be a wonderful life after such a horrible situation. I spent many years in guilt and shame. Telling no one, but feeling dead inside. I know how the post-abortive woman feels because I am "her". There are many more women out there like me who are suffering terribly and fighting a world who has no place for them. It is my passion to show "her" the beauty of life after guilt and shame. In a world that forgets "her" for the fight at hand, I want "her" to know that she is loved and that she can see her child again. I want to teach "her" to live again. Other than serving my God and my family, this is my heart's desire and I am filled with so much passion for helping "her". For those who have been beaten down by this world and this fight; left out in the cold because she has served their purpose and they no longer need her, I will stand and help "her" up. Will anyone stand with me?
Friday, April 24, 2015
Thursday, January 29, 2015
It was a year...
It was the end to a long three year (at least!) battle. The battle kept him weary and miserable for far too long; yet he continued to fight. He fought harder than anyone I've ever seen and all for those that he loved. However, now we were at the end. It was only a matter of time and we all knew it. So like I had done so many times in the previous three years, I rushed to his side, a long three hour drive with nothing but my fears and my thoughts. When finally I arrived, I walked in the door of that room and stood by his side one final time. I held his hand and said "I love you daddy, it's alright, we will all be ok, it's ok to let go and go see Jesus."
As we sat in that little room, preparing for the inevitable, I watched as many friends and loved ones came. They walked in to say their goodbyes to dad and to give their condolences to us. Precious time was spent with many loved ones that I hadn't seen in many, many years. In a way, it was a good time to be able to visit with them and talk about old times. I know that if my dad had his wits about him, he would have enjoyed it immensely and sat talking and laughing with us. To those precious people, you know who you are, I would like to say thank you so very much. I will cherish those memories for the rest of my days.
Then things began to happen. Suddenly, my dad had his eyes open! But it was obvious that he was not in our world. His eyes, though vacant before, had a different look to them now. He was not looking at us, but clearly was looking at something amazing! There was nothing but joy on his face and he kept them straight ahead, only looking up to the ceiling. He smiled, constantly! We watched in awe as my dad tried to lift his body upward toward the ceiling. Not in a way, however, that any of us would lift our bodies to get up; no this was different, it was unexplainable and amazing. His eyes shone and his face had nothing but peace and joy surrounding it! There are no words that can describe to joy of this night! I not only believe, but have no doubts that my dad was seeing Jesus, Momaw and Popaw (his parents) and so many others who had already gone before him. They were standing at the gates of eternity telling him "Come, your time on earth is done. There are so many wonderful things awaiting you here!" No one will ever convince me otherwise and I cannot wait to experience that for myself!!
After this wonderful experience, other spiritual things happened. My dad had slipped back into his deep sleep as his body continued to complete the shut down process. We watched a spiritual battle take place at this point. I will not go into many details on this, though I feel as if I could write an entire book on it. I feel that, at this point, it should stay in my mind alone. I am not sure why I feel this way, but I will obey the conviction. I will, however say that it did happen. I could almost see, and I could certainly feel the angels and the demons fighting over our peace in that room that night. It was scary and (maybe because I'm just a little crazy!) exciting in a way too. I knew that there were spirits fighting over my dad and for our peace, but I also knew that the battle had already been won! My dad's soul was going to Heaven, there was no changing that. I would have peace about it because I was sure of this and understood that dad was going to be better off. The spiritual battle was won and we just had to wait. I get excited thinking about it and it gives me such peace to continue on with the hurt and struggles that I have to continue on with as I complete my days on earth.
Everything was complete now. The spiritual battle had taken place, my dad had gotten his, quite obviously, dramatic invitation to complete his journey and enter Heaven. We had all said our goodbyes and my dad was just ready to be done with the pain that is associated with this life. So at some point in the afternoon (I think it was, time had no meaning to me during these days, all that mattered was being the for and with my dad.) the nurse came in to check my dad's vital signs. She gave an "it's about time" look and turned to me. She told me, "It won't be long now, I can't find a blood pressure." These words were both heart-breaking and exciting. But still, like before, all we could do was sit and wait.
I had settled down to attempt to work on school work. My wonderful sister had let me borrow her laptop so I could get some work done. Being a college student at this point was very difficult. I did not want to think of anything but my dad. This was not a problem for long. About ten to fifteen minutes after I began working on my school, my dad started going into some sort of a seizure. I will never forget this, yet I cannot explain it either. I had seen people have seizures before, but somehow this was different. We gathered around his bed and held his hands. It was at this point, in God's perfect timing, that my husband and my daughter walked into the room. I could not go to them, I was not going to leave my dad's side, but I was so glad to have them there with me. Dad's breathes became very far apart. At first it was three seconds between each breath. Eventually it became farther and farther apart. I remembered his Hospice nurse telling us certain numbers that it could reach between each breath, so I started counting. Finally, after a deep breath and then blowing out a breath, the counting got longer and longer. I made it to twenty and still no next breath. I looked at my dad, then I looked at my sister. She mouthed the words "Is he gone?" I simply shook my head. The nurses came in and checked and said "He's gone."
I have never in my life been so heart-broken and so relieved. My world just changed forever. I no longer had my dad here on earth. I spent many years having him here and not speaking to him, but now that option to just call him up one day was gone. But thanks to God there is good in even death. My dad's earthly story was over, but his eternal life had just began! He was no longer in pain. He doesn't have to worry about pain or struggles any more. Difficult people are no longer a concern for him. He just gets to dance in Heaven with Jesus and all of those whom he loved that had gone before. Death for the human is hard. It is scary, painful and just seems wrong with our finite minds. But death for the Christian is amazing! I miss my daddy so much. So may days I have picked up the phone to call him. I think of him daily and miss him. I see his eyes in my children. I remember things that we did together and ask Jesus to tell my daddy hi for me. I will never see him again while on this earth. Yet I have hope and peace about his passing because I know that he is happy and at peace. I praise God for that, for the peace only comes from God. As I sit today and remember that day, 365 days ago, I miss my daddy, but I Praise God that I can be excited to see him again one day.
That day will come for me eventually, and I will say goodbye to my husband and my children and all of my loved ones. Hopefully they will read this and remember that it is ok. For once my time is gone here on this earth, I will join my dad and other loved ones in being in the precious of the mighty God who saved us and who raised us and brought us to His eternal home to worship Him for eternity. Bye daddy, I love you and miss you so much. I'm so sorry for all the times I didn't do what I should. But I can't wait to see you again one day. But even in my heartache, I can only say one thing. Thank You Lord and I praise You for the hope and peace that can only come from You!
As we sat in that little room, preparing for the inevitable, I watched as many friends and loved ones came. They walked in to say their goodbyes to dad and to give their condolences to us. Precious time was spent with many loved ones that I hadn't seen in many, many years. In a way, it was a good time to be able to visit with them and talk about old times. I know that if my dad had his wits about him, he would have enjoyed it immensely and sat talking and laughing with us. To those precious people, you know who you are, I would like to say thank you so very much. I will cherish those memories for the rest of my days.
Then things began to happen. Suddenly, my dad had his eyes open! But it was obvious that he was not in our world. His eyes, though vacant before, had a different look to them now. He was not looking at us, but clearly was looking at something amazing! There was nothing but joy on his face and he kept them straight ahead, only looking up to the ceiling. He smiled, constantly! We watched in awe as my dad tried to lift his body upward toward the ceiling. Not in a way, however, that any of us would lift our bodies to get up; no this was different, it was unexplainable and amazing. His eyes shone and his face had nothing but peace and joy surrounding it! There are no words that can describe to joy of this night! I not only believe, but have no doubts that my dad was seeing Jesus, Momaw and Popaw (his parents) and so many others who had already gone before him. They were standing at the gates of eternity telling him "Come, your time on earth is done. There are so many wonderful things awaiting you here!" No one will ever convince me otherwise and I cannot wait to experience that for myself!!
After this wonderful experience, other spiritual things happened. My dad had slipped back into his deep sleep as his body continued to complete the shut down process. We watched a spiritual battle take place at this point. I will not go into many details on this, though I feel as if I could write an entire book on it. I feel that, at this point, it should stay in my mind alone. I am not sure why I feel this way, but I will obey the conviction. I will, however say that it did happen. I could almost see, and I could certainly feel the angels and the demons fighting over our peace in that room that night. It was scary and (maybe because I'm just a little crazy!) exciting in a way too. I knew that there were spirits fighting over my dad and for our peace, but I also knew that the battle had already been won! My dad's soul was going to Heaven, there was no changing that. I would have peace about it because I was sure of this and understood that dad was going to be better off. The spiritual battle was won and we just had to wait. I get excited thinking about it and it gives me such peace to continue on with the hurt and struggles that I have to continue on with as I complete my days on earth.
Everything was complete now. The spiritual battle had taken place, my dad had gotten his, quite obviously, dramatic invitation to complete his journey and enter Heaven. We had all said our goodbyes and my dad was just ready to be done with the pain that is associated with this life. So at some point in the afternoon (I think it was, time had no meaning to me during these days, all that mattered was being the for and with my dad.) the nurse came in to check my dad's vital signs. She gave an "it's about time" look and turned to me. She told me, "It won't be long now, I can't find a blood pressure." These words were both heart-breaking and exciting. But still, like before, all we could do was sit and wait.
I had settled down to attempt to work on school work. My wonderful sister had let me borrow her laptop so I could get some work done. Being a college student at this point was very difficult. I did not want to think of anything but my dad. This was not a problem for long. About ten to fifteen minutes after I began working on my school, my dad started going into some sort of a seizure. I will never forget this, yet I cannot explain it either. I had seen people have seizures before, but somehow this was different. We gathered around his bed and held his hands. It was at this point, in God's perfect timing, that my husband and my daughter walked into the room. I could not go to them, I was not going to leave my dad's side, but I was so glad to have them there with me. Dad's breathes became very far apart. At first it was three seconds between each breath. Eventually it became farther and farther apart. I remembered his Hospice nurse telling us certain numbers that it could reach between each breath, so I started counting. Finally, after a deep breath and then blowing out a breath, the counting got longer and longer. I made it to twenty and still no next breath. I looked at my dad, then I looked at my sister. She mouthed the words "Is he gone?" I simply shook my head. The nurses came in and checked and said "He's gone."
I have never in my life been so heart-broken and so relieved. My world just changed forever. I no longer had my dad here on earth. I spent many years having him here and not speaking to him, but now that option to just call him up one day was gone. But thanks to God there is good in even death. My dad's earthly story was over, but his eternal life had just began! He was no longer in pain. He doesn't have to worry about pain or struggles any more. Difficult people are no longer a concern for him. He just gets to dance in Heaven with Jesus and all of those whom he loved that had gone before. Death for the human is hard. It is scary, painful and just seems wrong with our finite minds. But death for the Christian is amazing! I miss my daddy so much. So may days I have picked up the phone to call him. I think of him daily and miss him. I see his eyes in my children. I remember things that we did together and ask Jesus to tell my daddy hi for me. I will never see him again while on this earth. Yet I have hope and peace about his passing because I know that he is happy and at peace. I praise God for that, for the peace only comes from God. As I sit today and remember that day, 365 days ago, I miss my daddy, but I Praise God that I can be excited to see him again one day.
That day will come for me eventually, and I will say goodbye to my husband and my children and all of my loved ones. Hopefully they will read this and remember that it is ok. For once my time is gone here on this earth, I will join my dad and other loved ones in being in the precious of the mighty God who saved us and who raised us and brought us to His eternal home to worship Him for eternity. Bye daddy, I love you and miss you so much. I'm so sorry for all the times I didn't do what I should. But I can't wait to see you again one day. But even in my heartache, I can only say one thing. Thank You Lord and I praise You for the hope and peace that can only come from You!
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