Everyone has days that are special for them in one way or another. Remembrances of special things that have happened, whether happy or sad. Life is full of ups and downs and we are given daily reminders of this truth. However, occasionally one day can hold both good and bad memories. Today is such a day for me. March nineteenth will always be special in my heart; very special. I always hold this date dear because of two things that happened, or didn't happen to me.
The first reminder I have for this precious day is the remembrance of an empty womb. March 19, 1998 was the day that I was due to deliver my second child. What a joyous day that would have been! Instead of joy however, for me it was a day of great sadness. My child was not born on March 19th, in fact he was not born at all. Almost half way through my pregnancy, on one October day I got scared of what was to come, evoked my "right to chose" and had an abortion. It wasn't exactly the easy choice that I was assured it would be. The promises that women are told are complete lies and I am living proof.
I think of my child, Joshua Daniel, often. I wonder what he might have looked like. I consider what his voice would sound like and what would his personality be. Would he be funny or serious? Perhaps he would be a great thinker. Maybe he would be the silliest kid on earth and keep me rolling in laughter. These are things that I will never know but forever question in my heart. This day reminds me of my own selfishness and an empty womb. A child forever lost.
However, this day brings great joy to me as well. Later on in my life I had asked God to forgive me for my abortion and he healed me of so much pain that accompanied it. I was later happily married and beginning to deal with the pain that was associated with my bad choices in my younger years. God wanted to bless me and show me that He loved me even still. My husband and I found out that we were going to have another baby. My due date for this child... March 19th!
I really struggled with this date being when my daughter was due at first. I felt guilt from my abortion and having another child due on the very same day caused me even more guilt. Through prayer and guidance from other Christians I can now see that God was allowing my children to share the same due date to show me that everything was going to be ok. It was like a giant hug from heaven, both from God and my precious son who is there waiting on me to join him. My story is a reminder that pain lasts through the night but joy comes in the morning!
As if right on cue, I went into labor with my daughter in the evening on March 19th. It was a long night of labor but by morning, we had our precious baby girl. She will be 17 years old tomorrow and she amazes me constantly. She has grown into a beautiful amazing young woman and I am so very proud of her. She brings not only me, but her father and many other people such joy. I am honored to be her mom and so very excited to celebrate her birth and her life. I hope she knows just how precious she is. God has shown me so much through her life.
As I wrote earlier, my life reminds me that no matter how much pain we are in, joy comes in the morning. Today I remember my son. I no longer feel shame and guilt because of his death but I know him as my son and say a prayer asking God to tell him hello for me and that I love and miss him. Tomorrow I celebrate the precious life of my daughter and tell her how special and how loved she is. Happy birthday baby girl, I'm so glad that God allowed me to be your mom. <3 <3 <3
