I had made this scrapbook as a part of my healing journey through the HEART (Healing the Effects of Abortion Related Trauma) program. This is the front cover. Simple, yet powerful. He has a name. He has an identity. This book proves it. He had not even one breathe on this earth, but he was a person.
I won't share the entire book in this post, but I picked a few pages to share. First, of course, is his introduction. I was seventeen weeks pregnant when I had the abortion and had planned on keeping him so when I was dealing with my abortion my mom had found the ultrasound picture that had somehow, praise God been kept tucked away. This is the only picture I will ever have of my son. You can see his head, his body, the cord that provided life to him. You can see that he was a human. He had life. There should be no question to that fact.
The next picture that I want to share in this post is one of the many pages in my scrapbook that show my questions. With abortion you are left with nothing but questions. What would he have looked like? What color eyes would he have had? Would he be a lot like his siblings? Would he look like them? This page in my book is a personal one. I have a huge love for dogs. I am questioning if he would have had the same love. Which breed would be his favorite? Would he have preferred large dogs or small ones? Would he have been a cat lover instead? Maybe I could've bought him a little stuffed animal that looked like is favorite dog; if only I knew the answers to this question. If only I had let him live. The questions always lead to regret.
The next two pages that I want to share are heart-wrenching. Young parents should buy stick in band-aides, they are used constantly. I hated to see my children hurt, but when they would come to me with a boo-boo and want me to kiss is and cover it with a band-aid my heart just melted. I loved being there for my children and that was a symbol for me of my presence and care for them. They were also a symbol of the child who's boo-boos I would never be able to kiss and make better. I will never hear his cries and I will never be able to help him through his hearts. He is gone and will never return to me. I made the "choice" and I will live with it every day of my life.
When you turn to the next page all you see is a blank page. You have to lift the sheet of paper to see what I have written. It is a symbol of all that is blank in my life now due to the "choice" of abortion. I learned too late that he was more than a clump of cells. He was m y child. I am the mother of a child in Heaven. My heart will forever have an empty space and long for this child. Notice that I wrote these words in red. This is to symbolize the blood on my hands regarding his death. Yes, not the abortion, not the end of my pregnancy but his death. That is what he experienced that October day; death.
I will forever miss my child. I will forever love my child. My precious Joshua Daniel Loughman, you were loved too late, but you are loved. You are missed. I hope I can use your short life to help save other lives in your memory. Forever, I am sorry and I love you dearly. Until we meet in Heaven.
