I am the type of person that holds everything in. I am the strength for everyone else, so I never let out my burdens because that would mean needing strength from someone else. Deep down I wish that I could let it all go to someone, but usually it's more of just exploding every once in a while. I guess this is safe to let it out here because I'm pretty sure that no one even reads my blog anyways. If you are reading this, please feel free to comment and let me know. I would love to know that someone actually does read this :)
I haven't been able to post for a while, but I really would like to start posting daily. I have been extremely busy lately. On top of my every day craziness, I have been driving back and forth to help take care of my dad and my grandpa (who I will from now on refer to as Popaw, because that is what I have always called him) who were both dying. I had the pleasure of getting to go see him last Friday. Things worked out just perfectly for me to make the trip, so I did. I am certain that this was a gift from God. He passed away early the next morning. This past week has been a heart-wrenching journey.
It has been wonderful being able to see family members that I haven't seen in a very long time. I have missed them all greatly and was very happy to be able to see them and catch up a little. My kids had never even met two of my cousins who I consider my little brothers because I lived with them during my teenage years. I love them so much and they mean the world to me but the live in Alabama and I live in Ohio and we just don't get to see each other anymore. So that part was nice.
But Popaw's funeral, ugh! This man was my hero. I always considered him more of a father figure than a grandpa. I just plain adored him, as did anyone else who ever met the man! He was truly an wonderful man. I know that he was in pain and is now in Heaven and I praise God for that and cannot wait to see him again one day. But selfishly, I am sad. I miss him.
I thought that I would be ok with this because he was in so much pain, but I am taking it even harder than I expected. I just can't seem to get back into life.
I guess there will need to be a part two to this, as with anything else, life calls, it is time to go to a ball game...
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Slippery Slope
Falling, falling, falling.
It seems that the last few weeks, for some reason, my emotions are just falling into depths unknown. There is no reason for this. Nothing bad has happened. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just typical, busy, crazy life.
So what is wrong with me? I have no idea. All of the sudden, back from wherever I buried it before, I'm crying at the drop of the hat.
...A stupid commercial comes on tv, tears.
...I don't get dinner done in time, tears.
...Oversleep because I'm so exhausted I can't get up anymore, tears.
...Look in the mirror, flood of tears!
I thought that I had this beat. I guess some would call it depression and tell me to take a pill every day. Some might tell me that I'm not right with God. Others will tell me that I need to do this or that. They probably would all be right.
But I've been down this road many times before. I don't understand why I keep coming back to this place. I don't feel like I belong, don't feel like anyone even cares, like why should I even matter. I know this is all wrong. I know that I'm a child of The King, yet I can't escape this pit. I just want to scream, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?"
I'm just tired. I just don't have the energy to fight this anymore. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling helpless and alone. I'm tired of fighting, why bother when it just keeps coming back?! I don't understand this. But nothing that I can do. Guess I'm meant to just be sad. All I can do is make sure that I don't bring my loved ones down with me. Here comes the front. The hard outer shell that has been a part of me all of my life. It's fake and I can't stand it, but maybe it's the only way?
It seems that the last few weeks, for some reason, my emotions are just falling into depths unknown. There is no reason for this. Nothing bad has happened. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just typical, busy, crazy life.
So what is wrong with me? I have no idea. All of the sudden, back from wherever I buried it before, I'm crying at the drop of the hat.
...A stupid commercial comes on tv, tears.
...I don't get dinner done in time, tears.
...Oversleep because I'm so exhausted I can't get up anymore, tears.
...Look in the mirror, flood of tears!
I thought that I had this beat. I guess some would call it depression and tell me to take a pill every day. Some might tell me that I'm not right with God. Others will tell me that I need to do this or that. They probably would all be right.
But I've been down this road many times before. I don't understand why I keep coming back to this place. I don't feel like I belong, don't feel like anyone even cares, like why should I even matter. I know this is all wrong. I know that I'm a child of The King, yet I can't escape this pit. I just want to scream, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?"
I'm just tired. I just don't have the energy to fight this anymore. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling helpless and alone. I'm tired of fighting, why bother when it just keeps coming back?! I don't understand this. But nothing that I can do. Guess I'm meant to just be sad. All I can do is make sure that I don't bring my loved ones down with me. Here comes the front. The hard outer shell that has been a part of me all of my life. It's fake and I can't stand it, but maybe it's the only way?
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