Finding Hope and Healing

October 9, 1997 was the day that changed my life forever. On that day, I traveled a half hour to a neighboring city so that I could have an abortion. I walked into the hospital pregnant and walked out a totally different person. They say that abortion is a right that every woman should have so she can decide what happens to her own body, but they don't tell you how devastated and full of regret you will be after this "choice". This is the story of how I transformed from a pro-choice person to a full of regret post-abortive woman.

You can read the story that lead up to my abortion here and you can read abortion the actual day of my abortion here. It was the events that I wrote about in those posts that lead me to years of guilt, shame and regret. It is the events in this post, however, that lead me to finding healing and freedom forever.

When I left the hospital that October day, I swore to myself that I would push this abortion so far in the back of my head that I would never think of it again. I was sad that my baby was gone, but I was relieved that this problem was over. I didn't have to face my family again with another unwed pregnancy, I could get out of the relationship with this abusive man, I could start my life anew and never look back. I only had one more thing to do, convince the baby's father that I had a miscarriage.

When he came over and asked where I had been, I told him that I had been in the hospital and that I had a miscarriage. He was sad and said that he wanted to see the baby and bury it. I hadn't expected this but luckily I thought quick and told him that it wasn't possible. He kept trying by telling me that his cousin had a miscarriage and was able to bury the baby. I told him that it was offered to me but that I was too devastated to agree to that and that I had asked them to just do whatever they needed to do with the body. Lying was very easy for me at that time. He didn't want to let it go, but he finally did. He drove away obviously upset, but I didn't care. All I cared about was that he was finally gone. I had won and was away from this evil man for good. I couldn't have been happier!

For two months I went on with life and was able to not think of the abortion at all. I was busy re-building my life when agreed to go to a Christmas play with a co-worker. When we arrived at the church I found out that we were very early because my friend was actually in the play and he had to prepare. So I found a seat and sat there, in an empty church, an hour away from where I lived just waiting for this play to start. People eventually started shuffling in and taking their seats; of course I knew no one so I sat silently by myself. This was not an easy situation for me. Not only had I never been a loner, It terrified me to be alone. I was not a crier at that time but as I sat there so alone, all I wanted to do was cry.

When the play started, I remember watching about fifteen minutes or so of it. Then the most exciting thing happened and I will never forget it. It was like I was in a different world all of the sudden. I was still in the church, and the play was still going on, but I was in a different realm. Then I heard a voice talking to me. The voice asked me if I had had enough of running from Him and living a pitiful existence. I knew the voice to be God. I knew my time of lies and desperation were over. I would give my life over to God and whatever He wanted me to do. Then the tears came as I apologized to God and asked for His forgiveness. I had no right to do so, but He forgave me anyway. He told me that He loved me and that He wanted to pick me up and clean me off. I begged Him to do so. It was the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced!

After that cold but glorious December night, I went home and eventually found a church to get involved in. I started going to a singles group there and met a man who asked me out on a date. I went and we got along great and began dating regularly. One night we went to a Kathy Troccoli concert with another couple. I still had not even brought my abortion up in even the back of m mind yet so I was shocked when I walked in and saw the merchandise for this concert. There was a song called "A Baby's Prayer", it was about an aborted baby who was concerned for his mother. The lyrics of this song was on the back of a t-shirt and when I saw it, I froze. I literally felt my heart stop. "OK God, " I thought, "if you want me to deal with this I will, but please not tonight!"

I couldn't breathe throughout the entire concert. I knew this song was going to come at some point. Finally, I thought the concert was over. The singer sat on the edge of the stage and talked about how much she loved her audience. Then a piano in the background softly started playing Jesus Loves Me. "Oh no, here it comes!" I thought. I had to built my strength up and get through these next few minutes, but that is not what happened. All that I had stuffed down so deep inside me started to come that night. I cried to the point that I couldn't breathe. I tried to get up to go to the bathroom,  but I literally couldn't move. Not one muscle in my body would move no matter how hard I willed it to. I wanted to just die right then and there.

At some point, the song and the concert ended and we left. I have very little memory of the time from that night after having cried so hard and fighting so hard to stop, I was exhausted. But when we neared my home, I realized that's I had to say something to my boyfriend about my behavior; surely he noticed and knew I had killed my child and of course, he would no longer be interested in me. I remember telling him and his beautiful eyes showed nothing but love and support. He told me all I needed to do was to "take it back to the cross." Wow, he didn't hate me! I was in awe. Could I really be forgiven of this horrible act?

I spent time talking to my boyfriend and my pastors about this and eventually came to the point where I felt like I was forgiven and that things would be ok. Our local crisis pregnancy center needed a post-abortion group and were wanting to start one and somehow, I had been asked to help start it. I had to go through the group in another city before starting it here, but it was only thirty minutes down the road so that wasn't a big deal. I agree, and went to the group thinking I was healed and just needed to do it to help others. The group was called HEART (Healing the Effects of Abortion Related Trauma) and it didn't take me long to realize that I had so much more healing to do. Going through HEART helped me to find true healing that only God could provide. I named my son and memorialized him. I also developed relationships with other women and realized that I didn't need to hang my head in shame but that there were so many other women struggling with the same thing as I was. I found out that I was not alone and that was the most beautiful realization in the world to me.

I agreed that day that I would use the rest of my life telling my story and helping other women deal with post-abortion trauma. God had not only forgiven me, but He healed me of such pain. I can now think of my son and memorialize him rather than be ashamed. I couldn't keep quiet, and I still can't. I love using my story, and my son's very short life to give God glory and show others how to find hope and healing through Him. I did help start the ministry at my local crisis pregnancy center and have lead others and well. I wrote a book and a Bible study in honor of my son and am in the process of writing my first novel which is a book that gives my son life. I hope to one day be able to work full time in the post-abortion ministry.

I walked into the hospital for my abortion a hurt, scared pregnant girl, I walked out devastated and full of shame. But God chose to not end my story there. He healed me and showed me grace and forgiveness and has allowed me to show others His amazing ways. Oh, and that boyfriend that I was sure would leave me when he found out I had had an abortion, we will celebrate twenty-two years of marriage this year and have raised eight beautiful children together. We have five grandchildren and have twin grand babies on the way. He is my biggest supporter and loves me way more than I deserve. I have truly been blessed so far beyond what I deserve, and I give God all the glory for that.

The Day My Child Died

Society tells us that abortion is just another medical procedure. No different than having a mole removed, they'll tell you. Not a big deal, you just go in and get it done, you'll feel relieved afterward. However, the reality of abortion is far different than what they tell you. When you go to have an abortion, you walk in unsure but determined to get through this. Then you wait for your turn which feels like an eternity while all you can do is sit there and second guess yourself while desperately wishing they would just hurry up and get this over with. There are different procedures and different experiences; here is my horrific story of my abortion experience.

I was seventeen weeks pregnant when I woke up one morning and decided that I needed to end my pregnancy for the safety of myself and my son. (See that story here). I made the phone calls and everything seemed all too easy. I couldn't go to a clinic because I was so far along in my pregnancy so I went to a doctor in a city about a half hour away from where I lived. I waited in the front area for my appointment and looked around at the few ladies that we in there with me. One was very pregnant and obviously there for her prenatal check up, another was a little older, 40s maybe, then there was me. I was going to an OB GYN to kill my baby. "What is wrong with me?" I thought. I quickly dismissed all the thoughts and reminded myself that this had to be done. I told myself that I needed to just push all emotions down and do this.

Then my name was called. I pushed down all my fears and doubts and walked into the room. The first thing that the nurse did was an ultrasound. She explained that she had to verify how far along I was. The nurse asked me if I wanted to see the ultrasound or if I wanted her to turn the screen. I knew what I would see if I looked at that screen and I was already struggling to keep my emotions at bay so I asked her to turn the screen. I remember how sympathetic she was; she seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being. At the time I thought it was a sweet gesture, now I wonder why; I mean if it was such a simple thing and ok to do, why did she act like I should be sad?

After the ultrasound I saw the doctor. He was very nice and, like the nurse, very sympathetic. He must have asked me a million times if I was sure that this was what I wanted to do. When I assured him that it was, he explained what would happen to me. Funny, I didn't consider it then, but he never explained what would happen to my baby. He made a special point to not make any mention of the baby or even the pregnancy, just what would happen.

I will try to be as gentle as I can with this description, but I think that it is important for this information to be revealed. The first thing that had to be done was laminaria insertion. This would basically start labor for me. It would begin to open my cervix so that the doctor would be able to "empty my uterus". So as a lay there on a cold table, legs spread out and only a thin hospital type gown on, the doctor sat in front of me ready to insert the labor sticks (as I called them to try and find some kind of humor, it didn't work.) the doctor looks at me one more time and says "Are you sure you want to do this? Because if not, there is no going back after I do this." He had asked me that so many times and I couldn't understand why. It was almost as if all of Heaven was trying to get me to stop what I was doing. So once again, I pushed down every emotion in me and told him it was what I wanted.

After the labor sticks were inserted I was sent home to wait. I had to wait until the next day for the abortion. So I had twenty four hours to just sit and think about what I was doing. If I'm being totally honest, I really don't remember much about what I did for the rest of that day. Whatever it was, I just tried to keep my mind off of what was going on inside my body. Just as with any other labor, early pains weren't much. At first I didn't really feel anything at all. Then, later on that night it was just crampy. Ok, I thought, I deserved to have some pain, this wasn't exactly a nice thing that I was doing. Besides, it wasn't too bad, nothing I couldn't handle. It wasn't that bad yet, anyways.

I woke up that next morning ready to get this over with. It was very early in the morning and I have never been much for early mornings so my mind was not quite working yet; I was very thankful for that. We drove the half hour but this time we weren't going to the doctor's office, we were going to the hospital. When I went to check in I was horrified when I found out where I was to report; LABOR AND DELIVERY! "That can't be right!" I said. Ugh, how was I going to get through this, I thought.

When I arrived to the labor and delivery department I was put in a big room with a bunch of other women. They were all laboring and about to give birth to their children, while I was killing mine. But sadly, my story just keeps getting worse. In this room, I laid in labor for a long time. I watched as these other women were getting wheeled out to a delivery room ready to have their babies and begin their lives as a new mother while I laid in pain knowing my child was about to die. The labor became very hard, so hard, in fact that I was ready to push. I looked at my mom and told her that I was terrified that I was going to have to have this baby. I knew that it was only moments before I would be pushing; the pain was so intense I couldn't stand it, and I have a very high tolerance for pain.

Finally they came to get me.  I remember being wheeled into the operating room. I looked around and there were so many people walking around the room, busily preparing to kill my child. I didn't know how it would happen, I didn't want to know. It would be years later that I found out the horror that my son experienced. After moving to the operating table I looked up and saw stirrups but they were hanging in the air, I'll never forget that because my mind pictured what my body would like during this procedure. Nothing about this was good, why was I doing this? Then a doctor sat by me and told me he wanted me to count backwards from ten. I remember saying "10... 9...8..." then I was out, and my child's life was over.

How My Life Changed Forever

I've talked a lot about my son Joshua and how sorry I am for his death. But I wanted to go a little further and now explain the situation that I was in. Abortion is always a debate, but I have always wanted to share my story to show why it is about much more than a debate or just a "choice". Abortion is so much more than one moment of time or one appointment at a clinic and never thought of again. There are struggles before to lead a woman to that point and a life of shame and regret afterward. Abortion is more than a moment, it is a life-changing event. 

For me, my abortion story started when a man brought a single rose to me at work. You know the cheap ones you buy at a gas station? Yeah, that's how desperate I was for attention. He asked me out and I went. We ended up spending a lot of time together after that. I really didn't care much for him, but he gave me attention which I needed and he had a son who I really loved. I didn't really think that I had much of a choice, so I continued the relationship. It was probably one of the lowest times of my life when it should've been the happiest. I had a young son (from a previous relationship) and loved him more than I could express. I had hoped that this man would provide a father figure for my son, but instead he offered nothing but problems. 

It wasn't long before I found out that I was pregnant. I had always considered myself pro-choice but also said that I would never do it myself. I thought that women should have a right to decide what happened to her own body, I never allowed myself to consider that pregnancy was about more than just a woman's body. I knew that for myself, I would keep the baby. However, I was growing tired of this relationship. He had become abusive, both physically and emotionally. I had known that his ex-wife had died but I began to believe that he had killed her. Certain things he said led me to believe that he had taken this poor woman's life so that he could keep his son. It took me a while, but I finally got out of the relationship. Then it became worse. He began stalking me and telling me that I could never get away from him because we had a baby together. Then I knew that I only had one way out. 

I literally woke up one morning and decided that I would have to have an abortion if I ever wanted away from this man. My child would have to pay the price with his life for my bad choices. I was seventeen weeks pregnant. I knew that my child was a real human life. I had heard his heartbeat. I had felt him grow. I also knew that If I didn't do this now then I would have a lifetime of being this man's captive. 

For the safety of my son and the sake of our happiness, I chose to abort my child. I decided that I would push all that I knew about pregnancy and the growth of a child in utero. I would not allow myself to even give one thought to what I was about to do. I told myself that this was what had to be done and that I was going to do it and hold my head up high. So that day I made the phone calls and set up my appointment. I had no idea how my entire world would change from this one "choice".