October 9, 1997 was the day that changed my life forever. On that day, I traveled a half hour to a neighboring city so that I could have an abortion. I walked into the hospital pregnant and walked out a totally different person. They say that abortion is a right that every woman should have so she can decide what happens to her own body, but they don't tell you how devastated and full of regret you will be after this "choice". This is the story of how I transformed from a pro-choice person to a full of regret post-abortive woman.
You can read the story that lead up to my abortion here and you can read abortion the actual day of my abortion here. It was the events that I wrote about in those posts that lead me to years of guilt, shame and regret. It is the events in this post, however, that lead me to finding healing and freedom forever.
When I left the hospital that October day, I swore to myself that I would push this abortion so far in the back of my head that I would never think of it again. I was sad that my baby was gone, but I was relieved that this problem was over. I didn't have to face my family again with another unwed pregnancy, I could get out of the relationship with this abusive man, I could start my life anew and never look back. I only had one more thing to do, convince the baby's father that I had a miscarriage.
When he came over and asked where I had been, I told him that I had been in the hospital and that I had a miscarriage. He was sad and said that he wanted to see the baby and bury it. I hadn't expected this but luckily I thought quick and told him that it wasn't possible. He kept trying by telling me that his cousin had a miscarriage and was able to bury the baby. I told him that it was offered to me but that I was too devastated to agree to that and that I had asked them to just do whatever they needed to do with the body. Lying was very easy for me at that time. He didn't want to let it go, but he finally did. He drove away obviously upset, but I didn't care. All I cared about was that he was finally gone. I had won and was away from this evil man for good. I couldn't have been happier!
For two months I went on with life and was able to not think of the abortion at all. I was busy re-building my life when agreed to go to a Christmas play with a co-worker. When we arrived at the church I found out that we were very early because my friend was actually in the play and he had to prepare. So I found a seat and sat there, in an empty church, an hour away from where I lived just waiting for this play to start. People eventually started shuffling in and taking their seats; of course I knew no one so I sat silently by myself. This was not an easy situation for me. Not only had I never been a loner, It terrified me to be alone. I was not a crier at that time but as I sat there so alone, all I wanted to do was cry.
When the play started, I remember watching about fifteen minutes or so of it. Then the most exciting thing happened and I will never forget it. It was like I was in a different world all of the sudden. I was still in the church, and the play was still going on, but I was in a different realm. Then I heard a voice talking to me. The voice asked me if I had had enough of running from Him and living a pitiful existence. I knew the voice to be God. I knew my time of lies and desperation were over. I would give my life over to God and whatever He wanted me to do. Then the tears came as I apologized to God and asked for His forgiveness. I had no right to do so, but He forgave me anyway. He told me that He loved me and that He wanted to pick me up and clean me off. I begged Him to do so. It was the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced!
After that cold but glorious December night, I went home and eventually found a church to get involved in. I started going to a singles group there and met a man who asked me out on a date. I went and we got along great and began dating regularly. One night we went to a Kathy Troccoli concert with another couple. I still had not even brought my abortion up in even the back of m mind yet so I was shocked when I walked in and saw the merchandise for this concert. There was a song called "A Baby's Prayer", it was about an aborted baby who was concerned for his mother. The lyrics of this song was on the back of a t-shirt and when I saw it, I froze. I literally felt my heart stop. "OK God, " I thought, "if you want me to deal with this I will, but please not tonight!"
I couldn't breathe throughout the entire concert. I knew this song was going to come at some point. Finally, I thought the concert was over. The singer sat on the edge of the stage and talked about how much she loved her audience. Then a piano in the background softly started playing Jesus Loves Me. "Oh no, here it comes!" I thought. I had to built my strength up and get through these next few minutes, but that is not what happened. All that I had stuffed down so deep inside me started to come that night. I cried to the point that I couldn't breathe. I tried to get up to go to the bathroom, but I literally couldn't move. Not one muscle in my body would move no matter how hard I willed it to. I wanted to just die right then and there.
At some point, the song and the concert ended and we left. I have very little memory of the time from that night after having cried so hard and fighting so hard to stop, I was exhausted. But when we neared my home, I realized that's I had to say something to my boyfriend about my behavior; surely he noticed and knew I had killed my child and of course, he would no longer be interested in me. I remember telling him and his beautiful eyes showed nothing but love and support. He told me all I needed to do was to "take it back to the cross." Wow, he didn't hate me! I was in awe. Could I really be forgiven of this horrible act?
I spent time talking to my boyfriend and my pastors about this and eventually came to the point where I felt like I was forgiven and that things would be ok. Our local crisis pregnancy center needed a post-abortion group and were wanting to start one and somehow, I had been asked to help start it. I had to go through the group in another city before starting it here, but it was only thirty minutes down the road so that wasn't a big deal. I agree, and went to the group thinking I was healed and just needed to do it to help others. The group was called HEART (Healing the Effects of Abortion Related Trauma) and it didn't take me long to realize that I had so much more healing to do. Going through HEART helped me to find true healing that only God could provide. I named my son and memorialized him. I also developed relationships with other women and realized that I didn't need to hang my head in shame but that there were so many other women struggling with the same thing as I was. I found out that I was not alone and that was the most beautiful realization in the world to me.
I agreed that day that I would use the rest of my life telling my story and helping other women deal with post-abortion trauma. God had not only forgiven me, but He healed me of such pain. I can now think of my son and memorialize him rather than be ashamed. I couldn't keep quiet, and I still can't. I love using my story, and my son's very short life to give God glory and show others how to find hope and healing through Him. I did help start the ministry at my local crisis pregnancy center and have lead others and well. I wrote a book and a Bible study in honor of my son and am in the process of writing my first novel which is a book that gives my son life. I hope to one day be able to work full time in the post-abortion ministry.
I walked into the hospital for my abortion a hurt, scared pregnant girl, I walked out devastated and full of shame. But God chose to not end my story there. He healed me and showed me grace and forgiveness and has allowed me to show others His amazing ways. Oh, and that boyfriend that I was sure would leave me when he found out I had had an abortion, we will celebrate twenty-two years of marriage this year and have raised eight beautiful children together. We have five grandchildren and have twin grand babies on the way. He is my biggest supporter and loves me way more than I deserve. I have truly been blessed so far beyond what I deserve, and I give God all the glory for that.
No comments:
Post a Comment