Robb Bussa

 You've been introduced to my son Joshua who is a main character in my books, now I'd like to introduce you to my brother. He is one of the main characters in my new novel, Withstanding the Storm. Robb is a very  important part of this book, and will be in the books to follow in the Seasons Series, which the novel is the first installment. 

Robb Bussa was the first born of Larry and Marianne Bussa on November 12, 1969. He was born a healthy, happy baby boy. I'm not exactly sure, but I'm guessing that five years later, when his baby sister (me!!) was born he was thrilled. I know that his entire life he loved being a big brother and he was good at it. 

He hated his middle name, (and out of respect for him and that fact, I'll leave it out of this post) but he loved his first name. He always seemed so proud of his name and our southern Ohio heritage. He, as did I, loved being from our little town of Friendship, Ohio and had the best group of friends that were more like family. (Spoiler alert, you'll meet a lot of them in the new novel as well!) Robb and I were always happiest when we were in our little part of the world there on the Ohio River. 

Life got hard, real hard for the two of us. I won't go into the details here because that's not what this post is about, but it is important to mention that things were not easy. Robb was older and had a way out to deal with the hard times, but he always worried about me. In fact, even though he was very happy with his life in southern Ohio, when it came time for him to chose his happiness and my well-being, he chose me. He gave up everything that he loved in life and moved three hours away for my benefit. This is how much he loved me and shows how he would give up anything for me, his precious little sister. Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea, Robb was no saint. He was human and he was definitely not perfect, but he cared. He loved. He did what he could to always be there for his little sister. 

Me on the other hand, I was not so caring. I'm ashamed to say this, but at that time in my life I thought only of myself. I couldn't see how he loved me or what he was doing for me. There were many times in my life that Robb was literally the only person that I had. He had his problems and I had mine, but he chose to stand by me. Again please don't get me wrong, I helped him and we had many, many examples of how we were both there for each other but when push comes to shove, he was certainly a better brother than I was a sister. 

In his last days, I could not see past my own hurt and be there for him. He was dying and I knew it. I can see now that I couldn't stand the thought of life without my brother and I was very mad at him. I pushed him to fight for his life when he had no fight left in him. I didn't understand that pain that he was in, all I could see was myself and not wanting to live a life without him. So instead, I yelled at him. I begged him to fight and when he said no, I got mad. 

My last conversation with him is one that I will never forget. He called me that morning and asked me to do something for him. I was busy so I said no. I told him that he would be just find to do it himself, (it was just to make a phone call, something I could have easily done for him.) He finally agreed that he would make the phone call and I hastily tried to end the call. He stopped me from hanging up and said "Steph... I love you."

"Yeah, love you too" I said and quickly hung up. I would give almost anything in the world to get those last few minutes back. It was like he knew but I didn't. Just a few hours later I received a call from my step-dad. A call I will never forget, because I have not been able to take a breathe the same ever since. 

"Steph, Robb's gone!" he said. Thinking that he wasn't there I shrugged it off and asked him to check with his friends and that he was probably there. "No, Steph, listen, he's here but he's gone!" 

Reality slowly sank in and I felt my own heart stop. Brothers don't die! He can't be dead! "Call the squad! Get somebody there quick to help him!" I screamed. The squad was already there. My brother was gone. There would be no more phone calls. No more visits. No more late night talks with pizza while playing video games. No more anything. He was gone. My brother's life had ended with me fighting with him and refusing to accept his choices. 

That night was 16 1/2 years ago. Thursday, August 19, 2004. A day I hate. A day I will never forget. A day I will forever regret. I will never regret any of my actions more than this day. Life has gone on and I have raised my babies, those nieces and nephews that he adored more than life itself. They grew up without their uncle and there's nothing I can do about that. I am powerless to change anything that happened that day and I have learned so much from it. 

Because of Robb I had life. no, he didn't give me life but he fought for it. He helped me and kept me going so many times. The fact that I couldn't be there for him breaks my heart into pieces that will never be fixed. 

However, I get to give him life again in my books. Robb was also a writer so I know if he has a window to watch me that he is so proud that I have taken the profession that he and my dad had and let them live on through my writing. So it only made sense to bring him back to life in my books, only with my children who have passed on. 

This new novel, if you haven't guessed, is very personal for me. Robb and my children get to go on adventures together and enjoy time together. Robb gets to show the kids some of the things that were very important to us when we were young, including those close friends I mentioned earlier. His physical life may be over, but I will never let his memory die. I will forever be changed by his death. I will forever make every moment count and try my hardest not to let myself leave someone being upset with them. I always try to make sure to tell my loved ones how much I adore them because I learned from Robb, among many other things, that life doesn't ever guarantee another second. 

I love you big brother and I miss you desperately. I promise I will keep writing. I promise I will keep loving. I'm so glad I was able to give you life again and I can't wait to see what all else you will get to do with your niece and nephew in the remainder of the Seasons Series. 

Finding Hope and Healing

October 9, 1997 was the day that changed my life forever. On that day, I traveled a half hour to a neighboring city so that I could have an abortion. I walked into the hospital pregnant and walked out a totally different person. They say that abortion is a right that every woman should have so she can decide what happens to her own body, but they don't tell you how devastated and full of regret you will be after this "choice". This is the story of how I transformed from a pro-choice person to a full of regret post-abortive woman.

You can read the story that lead up to my abortion here and you can read abortion the actual day of my abortion here. It was the events that I wrote about in those posts that lead me to years of guilt, shame and regret. It is the events in this post, however, that lead me to finding healing and freedom forever.

When I left the hospital that October day, I swore to myself that I would push this abortion so far in the back of my head that I would never think of it again. I was sad that my baby was gone, but I was relieved that this problem was over. I didn't have to face my family again with another unwed pregnancy, I could get out of the relationship with this abusive man, I could start my life anew and never look back. I only had one more thing to do, convince the baby's father that I had a miscarriage.

When he came over and asked where I had been, I told him that I had been in the hospital and that I had a miscarriage. He was sad and said that he wanted to see the baby and bury it. I hadn't expected this but luckily I thought quick and told him that it wasn't possible. He kept trying by telling me that his cousin had a miscarriage and was able to bury the baby. I told him that it was offered to me but that I was too devastated to agree to that and that I had asked them to just do whatever they needed to do with the body. Lying was very easy for me at that time. He didn't want to let it go, but he finally did. He drove away obviously upset, but I didn't care. All I cared about was that he was finally gone. I had won and was away from this evil man for good. I couldn't have been happier!

For two months I went on with life and was able to not think of the abortion at all. I was busy re-building my life when agreed to go to a Christmas play with a co-worker. When we arrived at the church I found out that we were very early because my friend was actually in the play and he had to prepare. So I found a seat and sat there, in an empty church, an hour away from where I lived just waiting for this play to start. People eventually started shuffling in and taking their seats; of course I knew no one so I sat silently by myself. This was not an easy situation for me. Not only had I never been a loner, It terrified me to be alone. I was not a crier at that time but as I sat there so alone, all I wanted to do was cry.

When the play started, I remember watching about fifteen minutes or so of it. Then the most exciting thing happened and I will never forget it. It was like I was in a different world all of the sudden. I was still in the church, and the play was still going on, but I was in a different realm. Then I heard a voice talking to me. The voice asked me if I had had enough of running from Him and living a pitiful existence. I knew the voice to be God. I knew my time of lies and desperation were over. I would give my life over to God and whatever He wanted me to do. Then the tears came as I apologized to God and asked for His forgiveness. I had no right to do so, but He forgave me anyway. He told me that He loved me and that He wanted to pick me up and clean me off. I begged Him to do so. It was the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced!

After that cold but glorious December night, I went home and eventually found a church to get involved in. I started going to a singles group there and met a man who asked me out on a date. I went and we got along great and began dating regularly. One night we went to a Kathy Troccoli concert with another couple. I still had not even brought my abortion up in even the back of m mind yet so I was shocked when I walked in and saw the merchandise for this concert. There was a song called "A Baby's Prayer", it was about an aborted baby who was concerned for his mother. The lyrics of this song was on the back of a t-shirt and when I saw it, I froze. I literally felt my heart stop. "OK God, " I thought, "if you want me to deal with this I will, but please not tonight!"

I couldn't breathe throughout the entire concert. I knew this song was going to come at some point. Finally, I thought the concert was over. The singer sat on the edge of the stage and talked about how much she loved her audience. Then a piano in the background softly started playing Jesus Loves Me. "Oh no, here it comes!" I thought. I had to built my strength up and get through these next few minutes, but that is not what happened. All that I had stuffed down so deep inside me started to come that night. I cried to the point that I couldn't breathe. I tried to get up to go to the bathroom,  but I literally couldn't move. Not one muscle in my body would move no matter how hard I willed it to. I wanted to just die right then and there.

At some point, the song and the concert ended and we left. I have very little memory of the time from that night after having cried so hard and fighting so hard to stop, I was exhausted. But when we neared my home, I realized that's I had to say something to my boyfriend about my behavior; surely he noticed and knew I had killed my child and of course, he would no longer be interested in me. I remember telling him and his beautiful eyes showed nothing but love and support. He told me all I needed to do was to "take it back to the cross." Wow, he didn't hate me! I was in awe. Could I really be forgiven of this horrible act?

I spent time talking to my boyfriend and my pastors about this and eventually came to the point where I felt like I was forgiven and that things would be ok. Our local crisis pregnancy center needed a post-abortion group and were wanting to start one and somehow, I had been asked to help start it. I had to go through the group in another city before starting it here, but it was only thirty minutes down the road so that wasn't a big deal. I agree, and went to the group thinking I was healed and just needed to do it to help others. The group was called HEART (Healing the Effects of Abortion Related Trauma) and it didn't take me long to realize that I had so much more healing to do. Going through HEART helped me to find true healing that only God could provide. I named my son and memorialized him. I also developed relationships with other women and realized that I didn't need to hang my head in shame but that there were so many other women struggling with the same thing as I was. I found out that I was not alone and that was the most beautiful realization in the world to me.

I agreed that day that I would use the rest of my life telling my story and helping other women deal with post-abortion trauma. God had not only forgiven me, but He healed me of such pain. I can now think of my son and memorialize him rather than be ashamed. I couldn't keep quiet, and I still can't. I love using my story, and my son's very short life to give God glory and show others how to find hope and healing through Him. I did help start the ministry at my local crisis pregnancy center and have lead others and well. I wrote a book and a Bible study in honor of my son and am in the process of writing my first novel which is a book that gives my son life. I hope to one day be able to work full time in the post-abortion ministry.

I walked into the hospital for my abortion a hurt, scared pregnant girl, I walked out devastated and full of shame. But God chose to not end my story there. He healed me and showed me grace and forgiveness and has allowed me to show others His amazing ways. Oh, and that boyfriend that I was sure would leave me when he found out I had had an abortion, we will celebrate twenty-two years of marriage this year and have raised eight beautiful children together. We have five grandchildren and have twin grand babies on the way. He is my biggest supporter and loves me way more than I deserve. I have truly been blessed so far beyond what I deserve, and I give God all the glory for that.

How My Life Changed Forever

I've talked a lot about my son Joshua and how sorry I am for his death. But I wanted to go a little further and now explain the situation that I was in. Abortion is always a debate, but I have always wanted to share my story to show why it is about much more than a debate or just a "choice". Abortion is so much more than one moment of time or one appointment at a clinic and never thought of again. There are struggles before to lead a woman to that point and a life of shame and regret afterward. Abortion is more than a moment, it is a life-changing event. 

For me, my abortion story started when a man brought a single rose to me at work. You know the cheap ones you buy at a gas station? Yeah, that's how desperate I was for attention. He asked me out and I went. We ended up spending a lot of time together after that. I really didn't care much for him, but he gave me attention which I needed and he had a son who I really loved. I didn't really think that I had much of a choice, so I continued the relationship. It was probably one of the lowest times of my life when it should've been the happiest. I had a young son (from a previous relationship) and loved him more than I could express. I had hoped that this man would provide a father figure for my son, but instead he offered nothing but problems. 

It wasn't long before I found out that I was pregnant. I had always considered myself pro-choice but also said that I would never do it myself. I thought that women should have a right to decide what happened to her own body, I never allowed myself to consider that pregnancy was about more than just a woman's body. I knew that for myself, I would keep the baby. However, I was growing tired of this relationship. He had become abusive, both physically and emotionally. I had known that his ex-wife had died but I began to believe that he had killed her. Certain things he said led me to believe that he had taken this poor woman's life so that he could keep his son. It took me a while, but I finally got out of the relationship. Then it became worse. He began stalking me and telling me that I could never get away from him because we had a baby together. Then I knew that I only had one way out. 

I literally woke up one morning and decided that I would have to have an abortion if I ever wanted away from this man. My child would have to pay the price with his life for my bad choices. I was seventeen weeks pregnant. I knew that my child was a real human life. I had heard his heartbeat. I had felt him grow. I also knew that If I didn't do this now then I would have a lifetime of being this man's captive. 

For the safety of my son and the sake of our happiness, I chose to abort my child. I decided that I would push all that I knew about pregnancy and the growth of a child in utero. I would not allow myself to even give one thought to what I was about to do. I told myself that this was what had to be done and that I was going to do it and hold my head up high. So that day I made the phone calls and set up my appointment. I had no idea how my entire world would change from this one "choice". 

No Time for Dreams

I am like any other person. I have dreams that I'd love to spend all of my time chasing, and I have a job and responsibilities that keep me from doing such. I get sad and think, "I wish I had more time". I get tired we I get home from work and sit on the couch zoning out on my phone when I could be chasing my dream. Like everyone, we have things to do and responsibilities to take care of that have to come before dreams. There is nothing wrong with that, it's called being an adult. But it can be frustrating. It can be plain ole' depressing! Even in the midst of discouragement, I have to remind myself to just keep moving. That is the point of this post. JUST KEEP GOING!

I do think that we (our American society) have allowed ourselves to become drained with busyness. We keep ourselves so occupied that we don't have time for anything anymore, not ourselves and not for others. This needs to change. We have to find some ways to de-stress and (I think even more of the issue) re-prioritize. It honestly feels like we are in a dream and just spinning wheels to get through life. I'm pretty sure that it was never intended to be this way. We (and I am speaking to myself just as much as anyone else who listens) need to stop treading water and start living life. Get our eyes off the phones and out of social media and get back to just plain social.

Now, understand that I realize that things in our digital age can be good. As I type this blog post, I have tabs open with my email and Facebook and am messaging a friend. That's good. All I am saying is that we (and when I say we I most definitely mean ME) need to prioritize and not let ourselves get completely wrapped up in everything to the point of not living any other part of life.

For the things that keep me from my dreams outside of electronics, I have many excuses. Most are even valid excuses. I'm exhausted from life. I have physical, mental and emotional things that keep me from doing the things that I love. So the question become how bad do I want this? It is time for me to pull out my stubbornness and keep pushing. It may be ten years before anyone notices my writing or it could be today. Maybe it will be this post that finally gets me noticed as an author. Maybe it will be a while longer. I don't know. But I will never know if I don't keep trying.

I let myself get discouraged way too often. I'm sharing this with you because maybe you do too. We can't focus on the bad. We have to just keep going. We make time for what we really want to do. It's time for my dream to be more important than staring at my phone. It's time for me to write even if I have a headache and have no clue what to write about. It's time for me to stop listening to that annoying little voice in my head that tells me that I will never be good enough. Is it time for you to do these things as well? Let's talk! Comment on this blog post and let's start a conversation. Let's start lifting each other up and encouraging one another.