Identity

From as far back as I can remember I have struggled with my own identity. I do not remember one point in my life when I knew exactly where I belonged and who I was. This is something that I've hoped, wish and begged God for; some sort of peace and comfort in being able to identify with someone, somewhere.

When I was three years old, my dad, brother and I moved in with my grandma. This is the pace that I loved to be. However it did not last long. My dad remarried and we moved to a different town. I was a shy little girl in first grade and did not know how to make new friends, so I sat alone most days. By the time that I was a bit older I had made some new friends, I even had a few that I considered best friends, but my home life was not good so that desperate need lingered and I was miserable from deep within. I was never taught how to handle my feelings or how to deal with anything, I was simply left as worthless, which was exactly how I felt.

When I was older I thought for sure that if I lived with my mom I would find my place in this world, so once again I moved, this time three hours away. a quarter of the way through my eighth grade year I started a new life with my mom. I was very happy to be with her, but school life was not good. The kids had already formed relationships and I was the oddball. Still the shy little girl inside, I just kept to myself and took all of the ridicule and bullying that came my way. By this point in my life, I was sure that I was worthless as I had always been taught.  But I was going to change and find my way.

The next fall, when I started high school was my big break; or so I thought. This was where I would find myself. The town we lived in was big, so the high school was a combination of three different middle schools, this was all new kids and I was going to force myself to break out of my shell. So that is exactly what I did. I made friends, had boyfriends, and hung out having fun. The only problem is that it still did not satisfy my need for feeling like I belong.

After high school I didn't do too bad, I worked two jobs, moved out and got married and attempted to start a life. But when problems arose, I was gone. That started a long time of going back and forth trying to find where "home" was. I'd go to southern Ohio (where I was raised), then go back to central Ohio thinking that must be home. Only to find that whatever it was I was looking for was not there.

I felt as if there were no place that I belonged and that I must truly be worthless. Then one day I found out I was pregnant. I had my first son alone and decided him and I would start a life and surely now I had worth; I belonged with my son. I was saved a year later, joined a church and met my husband. We had more kids and I quit my job to be a full time house wife and home school mom. I was positive that I had found where I belonged. I poured my whole heart and life into my family. I was warned by many to continue to have a life for myself but I did not heed these warnings.

While raising my kids and caring for my family I felt the most needed, accepted and wanted than I ever have in my life. I thought that must be what I was created to do. That is such a wonderful thought; however there is a flaw in this as well.  Kids grow up; my job was to help them grow so that they could have their own life, not be MY life. They have done that. They are not all grown yet, but they are all old enough to be their own people; one had already graduated and began his own life apart from us. My children are wonderful and I am so very proud of them. But I have recently realized that while they are a huge part of my life, they also are not my identity.

So now here I am, 41 years old and still not sure who I am or where I belong.  I feel as though I have wasted my entire life looking for something that is not there. I regret that. For now I am finally starting to realize that my identity is not in who accepts me, where I live, or my circumstances. My identity is in my amazing God. He created me. He loves me and has a purpose for me regardless of if I or anyone else can see it.  I have not learned how to accept myself but I am finally trying. I pray that God takes my life and uses me. I pray that God helps me to see my identity in Him. Also, my reason in writing this is that I pray that God will use my life-long struggle to help others to see that they have worth in Him as well.  We are His. We need to look to Him for our identity, not to anything or anyone else.