My twelve year old daughter begged me to watch a movie with her last night; she had seen a part of this movie at a friends house and wanted to watch it again to see the whole thing. There wasn't a whole lot going on around here, so I went to the video store and rented the movie. Little did I know that this movie (which was a good movie, by the way) would have a part that would drive me insane and bring back many memories.
The movie was about a little girl who was sick and her mother's struggle to have faith in God during this hard time. The little girl reminded me of my daughter and every time she screamed in agony "mommy, it hurts!" I would picture that being my daughter and cry out imaging the pain that this little girl and her mother felt. However, that wasn't the part that made my head hurt.
This family attended church and at the beginning of the movie it was obvious that they loved God and enjoyed worshipping Him. When the mother was struggling, however, she went to church and was approached by some people from the church. These people had an opportunity to help a fellow believer; they could've asked her if they could pray with her, or even just hug her and remind her that God is still in control. They chose an evil route instead. They looked at this poor tortured soul and said one of the most hateful things I've ever heard. They said "What sin is in your life that God is allowing your daughter to be so sick? Is it your sin or your husband's sin? Could it be that your little girl has sin in her life that is causing this?" Cruel... just cruel!!! The mother left and swore she would never return to that church. She also began to lose faith at that moment.
The reason this burns me up so bad is because I've been to "that" church before. I've personally witnessed people struggling in life and being told that if they would just get their hearts right with God things would be all happy for them. I have been that person who has struggled and wondered how I could serve God better so that things would go well for me. Praise God I now know that this is just chains of bondage and that is not the way that God works.
For people to behave that way is nothing but judgmental and damaging. Who are these people to speak for God? Remember when Jesus said "Let he who without sin cast the first stone" and everyone dropped their rocks and walked away? Even if there were sin in this family's lives that needed to be dealt with, this is not the way to handle it! We are to speak the truth in love; show mercy and acceptance. When are we going to stop judging and start loving each other again?
This really makes me sad; no angry! You see, as I said I was that person struggling. There was a time in my life when I said "God, I will never leave you, but I am so done with Your people!" I am still struggling to find my place in the church. Let's be honest, there is not a lot of acceptance amongst His people right now. It is because of people like this. Attitudes that want to point fingers and judge instead of love and be a support. God did not put us together so that we could hurt each other or judge each other. He wants us to lift each other up.
How church, how are we ever going to show the world the love of God if we can't even love each other?
Monday, August 29, 2016
Monday, June 13, 2016
DIversity or Division?
You only have to listen in society for seconds before someone mentions the importance of diversity. "Love us, don't judge us!!" is the cry of so many people in so many different walks of life. I agree that this is very important. My entire life I have strongly believed that people are people regardless of their skin color, their desires, their bank account or whatever else someone might be judged by. However, the problem has become that unless you are in the right politically correct group, you are thrown under the bus and judged yourself. A lot of these same people who are crying to be accepted will (with much hate) judge others for their beliefs.
There has to be complete unity. Christians and non-believers. Gay and straight. Democrat and Republican. So many others, but you get the idea. We all need to start accepting each other for who they are and let each person deal with their own faults. We all are human, we all make mistakes, we all sin, and none of us are God so we have no power to judge anyone.
I understand that people have been bad in the past. There have been (and still are) some terrible people who claim to be Christian. There have been bad cops. There were white people who owned slaves. There are black people who commit crimes. But there are also Christians who love and show God's light. There are hero cops who save lives. There were white people who helped free slaves. There are black people who are wonderful people. We have to stop generalizing and accept individuals.
We Americans have some very real enemies and they are using these issues of diversity to create division. Currently, our enemies are winning this battle. We have allowed them to create wedges between all Americans as we fight these individual battles of hatred towards one another. How many American lives will it take before we stop fighting and begin to stand together? We are falling but we are still the UNITED states of America. Our enemy knew that they needed to divide us to win and we allowed them to do so. But we have not lost yet. We have to stand together and not allow any more division. Our media will not join us on this. They have decided to report biased which means we can no longer trust them. My fellow Americans, we must stand together and fight this urge to be accepting only to certain groups. We need to see only red, white and blue. Americans stand together against our enemies.
I think we need to start saying WHO CARES if your white or black, gay or straight, all the other separations. Yes, I am a Christian and I have white skin. I have family members and friends who are not Christian. Family and friends who have darker skin. Family and friends who are gay. I don't see these things when I look at others. I see them for who they are. I will never understand how someone can look at another person and base who they are on the color of their skin or the choices that they make. Yes, we all have our heritage and need to know that, but that also does not define who you are.
Fellow Americans, we are all different but let's not allow our enemies to use diversity to divide us. Please, I am begging you. Let us stand together.
There has to be complete unity. Christians and non-believers. Gay and straight. Democrat and Republican. So many others, but you get the idea. We all need to start accepting each other for who they are and let each person deal with their own faults. We all are human, we all make mistakes, we all sin, and none of us are God so we have no power to judge anyone.
I understand that people have been bad in the past. There have been (and still are) some terrible people who claim to be Christian. There have been bad cops. There were white people who owned slaves. There are black people who commit crimes. But there are also Christians who love and show God's light. There are hero cops who save lives. There were white people who helped free slaves. There are black people who are wonderful people. We have to stop generalizing and accept individuals.
We Americans have some very real enemies and they are using these issues of diversity to create division. Currently, our enemies are winning this battle. We have allowed them to create wedges between all Americans as we fight these individual battles of hatred towards one another. How many American lives will it take before we stop fighting and begin to stand together? We are falling but we are still the UNITED states of America. Our enemy knew that they needed to divide us to win and we allowed them to do so. But we have not lost yet. We have to stand together and not allow any more division. Our media will not join us on this. They have decided to report biased which means we can no longer trust them. My fellow Americans, we must stand together and fight this urge to be accepting only to certain groups. We need to see only red, white and blue. Americans stand together against our enemies.
I think we need to start saying WHO CARES if your white or black, gay or straight, all the other separations. Yes, I am a Christian and I have white skin. I have family members and friends who are not Christian. Family and friends who have darker skin. Family and friends who are gay. I don't see these things when I look at others. I see them for who they are. I will never understand how someone can look at another person and base who they are on the color of their skin or the choices that they make. Yes, we all have our heritage and need to know that, but that also does not define who you are.
Fellow Americans, we are all different but let's not allow our enemies to use diversity to divide us. Please, I am begging you. Let us stand together.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
No Longer USA
My entire life I have been proud to be an American. I have always loved my country. The beauty and majesty of our land, the pride that comes with being a citizen, and our freedom. Here in America we have so much that other places do not have and all of that came with a heavy price. Many have died or bravely stood to face many dangers to ensure that we would continue to have this wonderful freedom in our homeland.
However, while seeing an article the other day, I have realized that sadly, we are no longer able to call ourselves USA. That name stands for UNITED States of America. It breaks my heart but this country is no longer united. It has been said by many that we would be destroyed from the inside and this for sure has happened.
The article that I was looking at (and to be honest I couldn't even read it all, it just makes me so sad!) was that my home state, Ohio, is attempting to ban all travel to North Carolina because they have bravely decided that they do not want to allow men into women's bathrooms. Ban travel to an entire state just because you don't agree with it? The people who applaud this, by the way, are the very same people who threw a fit when a Christian baker refused to bake a cake for a gay couple and forced them to either do so in the name of acceptance or lose their business. Am I the only one who sees this as extremely hypocritical?!?
Those who know me know which side I stand on with these issues, but that is not the point. The sad truth is that people who hate our country and everything that we stand for are using these little issues to divide us and they are winning that fight! While we Americans fight with each other about skin color and sexual orientation, those who hate us are sitting back laughing at us and patting themselves on the back for successfully stirring the pot.
My fellow Americans, I beg you to forget the issues and realize that they are just pawns in our enemies game! United we stand but what happens when we're divided? We fall. We are falling. I don't want to watch our country fall. It makes me scared for our kids to think of what will happen when we fall. I'm not sure I would be able to continue my fear if it were not for my faith in God. People please realize that these issues will not matter once we have fallen and our freedoms are gone. We are being led like sheep to the slaughter but we still have time to get back up, turn and run away. But it will never happen while we are focused on individual issues.
Now please don't get me wrong. I do believe in equality, but guess what, once we agree to stop fighting these things will work themselves out. We can learn to accept each other and love our freedom again, but that will never happen while we are divided. I pray that someday soon we as Americans can take a stand and become UNITED once more.
If you need a reminder, please go watch the movie The Patriot or something else from that time period. Do you really think that these people went through such hard times and gave up so many lives so that we could fight about where we go to the bathroom or who bakes a cake? Please America, I beg you, please WAKE UP! Before it is too late, for the same of our children, let us become the UNITED states of America again.
However, while seeing an article the other day, I have realized that sadly, we are no longer able to call ourselves USA. That name stands for UNITED States of America. It breaks my heart but this country is no longer united. It has been said by many that we would be destroyed from the inside and this for sure has happened.
The article that I was looking at (and to be honest I couldn't even read it all, it just makes me so sad!) was that my home state, Ohio, is attempting to ban all travel to North Carolina because they have bravely decided that they do not want to allow men into women's bathrooms. Ban travel to an entire state just because you don't agree with it? The people who applaud this, by the way, are the very same people who threw a fit when a Christian baker refused to bake a cake for a gay couple and forced them to either do so in the name of acceptance or lose their business. Am I the only one who sees this as extremely hypocritical?!?
Those who know me know which side I stand on with these issues, but that is not the point. The sad truth is that people who hate our country and everything that we stand for are using these little issues to divide us and they are winning that fight! While we Americans fight with each other about skin color and sexual orientation, those who hate us are sitting back laughing at us and patting themselves on the back for successfully stirring the pot.
My fellow Americans, I beg you to forget the issues and realize that they are just pawns in our enemies game! United we stand but what happens when we're divided? We fall. We are falling. I don't want to watch our country fall. It makes me scared for our kids to think of what will happen when we fall. I'm not sure I would be able to continue my fear if it were not for my faith in God. People please realize that these issues will not matter once we have fallen and our freedoms are gone. We are being led like sheep to the slaughter but we still have time to get back up, turn and run away. But it will never happen while we are focused on individual issues.
Now please don't get me wrong. I do believe in equality, but guess what, once we agree to stop fighting these things will work themselves out. We can learn to accept each other and love our freedom again, but that will never happen while we are divided. I pray that someday soon we as Americans can take a stand and become UNITED once more.
If you need a reminder, please go watch the movie The Patriot or something else from that time period. Do you really think that these people went through such hard times and gave up so many lives so that we could fight about where we go to the bathroom or who bakes a cake? Please America, I beg you, please WAKE UP! Before it is too late, for the same of our children, let us become the UNITED states of America again.
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Perception
Perception is everything. The way you see things will control how you view life. I have learned this very important lesson in an awesome way recently.
I was a stay at home homeschool mom for 18 years. I absolutely loved being home with my kids and enjoyed spending each day watching them grow and developing a close relationship with them. However, as much as I love my children, I got burnt out along the way and started secretly wishing that I could have some time away. Now don't get me wrong, NEVER would I want to be completely away from my kids, but I started thinking that maybe I needed to go get a job and be away from them for a bit.
Now before I go any further, let me explain what I mean. I am not saying that it is bad for a mom to go out and get a job, nor am I saying that it is bad for a mom to have some time away from her kids. I still believe that is very important and healthy for some separation to happen at times. I am talking about what I have figured out is best for my family and on a regular, daily basis as any average day.
When we decided that it was time for most of our children to go to public school, I thought I would go back into the world and get a full time job and be a professional. Well, no jobs were available at the time. However, a position opened up a the preschool of the church we attended at the time. I could bring my children with me that were still homeschooling and it was only three days a week so I was still very much available at home. This was the perfect opportunity for me to get out of the house for a bit and earn some money, but still be there for my kids whenever they needed me.
I worked at the preschool for almost three years. Three-fourths through the third year my husband told me that I needed to get a full time job due to our finances. I was sad to leave the kids but excited to get back out in the world and be a professional. Yet, still nothing was available. I was hired, however at a local restaurant. Something felt off about this place, but I left the preschool (after many tears telling those sweet little faces goodbye!) and went off on my new career (I was promised the ability to move up to supervisor very quickly so this was to be a long-term, good thing, obviously it didn't turn out the way they had promised).
My perception at this point was that even though I adored my kids, I needed to be out in the world and get to know other adults. Live the lifestyle of spending the majority of my day away from my kids, letting them fend for themselves (which I repeat, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that there isn't a need for separation and learning to be independent, rather speaking of typical, everyday life) while I am out doing my thing. I had grown tired of sitting outside of the school daily, waiting for them to come out, then spending at least two hours a day driving the kids where they needed to be. I had grown tired of constantly having to pick things up in our home or tell them to pick up after themselves (ok that hasn't changed but the way I perceive it has). I was exhausted with my life and ready to begin a new life.
This new job was going to be my answer to this desire. I was going to be gone every day through the week and they were going to get themselves home (or my mom would be doing the transportation when they couldn't). My husband was just going to have to take the time off work for all of the doctor appointments, orthodontist appointments, and whatever else they needed. I would, of course, enjoy my kids in the evenings when I was home but the rest of the day was mine to go out and live my own life at my job.
Obviously, that is not how things turned out for me, or else there would not be this blog post. It did not take me very long to realize why God had not opened up any doors for me to get a professional, full time job. While I was exhausted with my life at home, I just needed a reminder of how much I loved it. I was miserable. First there was the fact that the job was awful. I have always been the kind of person to love working and always found good things in every job. This job, however was full of drama and lies. I will leave it at that for that subject. But I very quickly realized that my heart was always at home with my family. I actually missed picking up messes and sitting at the school waiting to pick them up. Even now that were in the teenage years where the "Hi! How was your day?" is always met with a grumpy sigh. I desperately missed it. I began wishing I was able to be at home to even do the mundane daily chores.
Finally, after many prayers and many tears, my husband saw my pain. He knew that I was miserable and that I needed to be at home. He told me to quit my job and immediately upon hearing those words I felt such freedom. I could be home with my kids and take care of my family!
Now those who know me understand that this was never about me quitting a job or me not wanting to work. I have always been a very hard worker and will do everything I need to in order to take care of my family. I just realized that no amount of money was worth me being going. I only have a few years left with my kids, one has already graduated and moved out. I need to be here taking care of them. I need to be the one that they can call when they're sick and need to come home. I need to be the one that is waiting for them to come out of the school at the end of the day. I need to be the one holding the house together.
Now that it had been taken away from me for a while and I have it back I am filled with such joy while doing the things that I had complained about only a few months ago. I sit in the parking lot and anxiously wait for my kids to come out. I do the dishes and praise God that I have a house full of kids to use those dishes (and an amazing husband who cooks breakfast in bed for me and goes to work daily so I can stay home and take care of our family!). A few months ago my perception of my daily duties was clouded by my being overwhelmed and exhausted. Now my perception is nothing but love and adoration for the precious gifts God has given me. I love my family so much and when I think about these things it almost feels like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. I used to be upset and feel worthless saying that my life meant nothing and that I helped no one. I now see that my life is for my family and I realize how very blessed I am. I will go back to work one day and I will be happy about it. My kids will grow up and live their own lives (they have already begun their independence). But for now, while they are growing up, they know that mom is home and there for them no matter what. I no longer complain about doing these things for my family because my perception has changed. I no longer see myself and my exhaustion but my love for my family.
Everything is how you see it. Make sure that you are not allowing your perception overcome the true importance of your life.
I was a stay at home homeschool mom for 18 years. I absolutely loved being home with my kids and enjoyed spending each day watching them grow and developing a close relationship with them. However, as much as I love my children, I got burnt out along the way and started secretly wishing that I could have some time away. Now don't get me wrong, NEVER would I want to be completely away from my kids, but I started thinking that maybe I needed to go get a job and be away from them for a bit.
Now before I go any further, let me explain what I mean. I am not saying that it is bad for a mom to go out and get a job, nor am I saying that it is bad for a mom to have some time away from her kids. I still believe that is very important and healthy for some separation to happen at times. I am talking about what I have figured out is best for my family and on a regular, daily basis as any average day.
When we decided that it was time for most of our children to go to public school, I thought I would go back into the world and get a full time job and be a professional. Well, no jobs were available at the time. However, a position opened up a the preschool of the church we attended at the time. I could bring my children with me that were still homeschooling and it was only three days a week so I was still very much available at home. This was the perfect opportunity for me to get out of the house for a bit and earn some money, but still be there for my kids whenever they needed me.
I worked at the preschool for almost three years. Three-fourths through the third year my husband told me that I needed to get a full time job due to our finances. I was sad to leave the kids but excited to get back out in the world and be a professional. Yet, still nothing was available. I was hired, however at a local restaurant. Something felt off about this place, but I left the preschool (after many tears telling those sweet little faces goodbye!) and went off on my new career (I was promised the ability to move up to supervisor very quickly so this was to be a long-term, good thing, obviously it didn't turn out the way they had promised).
My perception at this point was that even though I adored my kids, I needed to be out in the world and get to know other adults. Live the lifestyle of spending the majority of my day away from my kids, letting them fend for themselves (which I repeat, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that there isn't a need for separation and learning to be independent, rather speaking of typical, everyday life) while I am out doing my thing. I had grown tired of sitting outside of the school daily, waiting for them to come out, then spending at least two hours a day driving the kids where they needed to be. I had grown tired of constantly having to pick things up in our home or tell them to pick up after themselves (ok that hasn't changed but the way I perceive it has). I was exhausted with my life and ready to begin a new life.
This new job was going to be my answer to this desire. I was going to be gone every day through the week and they were going to get themselves home (or my mom would be doing the transportation when they couldn't). My husband was just going to have to take the time off work for all of the doctor appointments, orthodontist appointments, and whatever else they needed. I would, of course, enjoy my kids in the evenings when I was home but the rest of the day was mine to go out and live my own life at my job.
Obviously, that is not how things turned out for me, or else there would not be this blog post. It did not take me very long to realize why God had not opened up any doors for me to get a professional, full time job. While I was exhausted with my life at home, I just needed a reminder of how much I loved it. I was miserable. First there was the fact that the job was awful. I have always been the kind of person to love working and always found good things in every job. This job, however was full of drama and lies. I will leave it at that for that subject. But I very quickly realized that my heart was always at home with my family. I actually missed picking up messes and sitting at the school waiting to pick them up. Even now that were in the teenage years where the "Hi! How was your day?" is always met with a grumpy sigh. I desperately missed it. I began wishing I was able to be at home to even do the mundane daily chores.
Finally, after many prayers and many tears, my husband saw my pain. He knew that I was miserable and that I needed to be at home. He told me to quit my job and immediately upon hearing those words I felt such freedom. I could be home with my kids and take care of my family!
Now those who know me understand that this was never about me quitting a job or me not wanting to work. I have always been a very hard worker and will do everything I need to in order to take care of my family. I just realized that no amount of money was worth me being going. I only have a few years left with my kids, one has already graduated and moved out. I need to be here taking care of them. I need to be the one that they can call when they're sick and need to come home. I need to be the one that is waiting for them to come out of the school at the end of the day. I need to be the one holding the house together.
Now that it had been taken away from me for a while and I have it back I am filled with such joy while doing the things that I had complained about only a few months ago. I sit in the parking lot and anxiously wait for my kids to come out. I do the dishes and praise God that I have a house full of kids to use those dishes (and an amazing husband who cooks breakfast in bed for me and goes to work daily so I can stay home and take care of our family!). A few months ago my perception of my daily duties was clouded by my being overwhelmed and exhausted. Now my perception is nothing but love and adoration for the precious gifts God has given me. I love my family so much and when I think about these things it almost feels like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. I used to be upset and feel worthless saying that my life meant nothing and that I helped no one. I now see that my life is for my family and I realize how very blessed I am. I will go back to work one day and I will be happy about it. My kids will grow up and live their own lives (they have already begun their independence). But for now, while they are growing up, they know that mom is home and there for them no matter what. I no longer complain about doing these things for my family because my perception has changed. I no longer see myself and my exhaustion but my love for my family.
Everything is how you see it. Make sure that you are not allowing your perception overcome the true importance of your life.
Monday, May 2, 2016
To Him who could do more than I could even hope for
As I type this I sit in my home that I share with my husband and our six children. We have lived here for almost eleven years and have many memories of raising our precious little ones (who aren't quite so little anymore as much as I hate to admit it). We have had a lot of hardships and been through the ringer many times, but we made it through and I am very proud of my family.
Today marks one year since I graduated college. Me! Steph Loughman. The girl who barely graduated high school. Not only did I graduate college, but I did so with a 4.0 grade point average and was on the Dean's List every quarter. So many amazing things have happened since then, including God giving me a message and allowing me to write a book which will hopefully lead to a ministry for my husband and I.
It may seem that I am bragging on myself. Anyone who knows me knows that while I brag on my family often, bragging on myself rarely happens. Don't get me wrong, I am bragging, but not on myself. For the things that I have accomplished or been given I give all the glory to God. I could not have done any of these amazing things had it not been for Him. In fact, I could not have ever in my wildest dreams imagined most of these things!
Growing up I knew I wanted children, but I never could have imagined that I would have six amazing kids. It would have never crossed my mind that I would even be able to stay at home with them and homeschool them, but my awesome God made that possible. He allowed me to stay at home with them and raise them instead of sending them away to strangers. He let me serve in church and teach other kids all about His goodness. God let me marry an amazing man who would provide for us (which also comes from God) so that the kids and I could stay home together as they grew.
My God allowed me to go back to school after 20 years and helped me to do well. My dad and my brother were both writers, but who would have ever guessed that it would be me that would write and publish a book? Not me for sure! My God has done so many amazing things through me that sometimes it makes me dizzy thinking of how good He has been to me. I am not deserving of His goodness, yet He carries me through everything and keeps me provided for way beyond what I would be able to do. No, I am not bragging on myself at all, I am bragging on my amazing God. Words are not good enough to express how wonderful He is. I want to be sure that He gets all of the glory for everything that He has done in my life. Without Him I am nothing, but with Him, I can do all things. I am so in love with my awesome God!
Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us— to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Today marks one year since I graduated college. Me! Steph Loughman. The girl who barely graduated high school. Not only did I graduate college, but I did so with a 4.0 grade point average and was on the Dean's List every quarter. So many amazing things have happened since then, including God giving me a message and allowing me to write a book which will hopefully lead to a ministry for my husband and I.
It may seem that I am bragging on myself. Anyone who knows me knows that while I brag on my family often, bragging on myself rarely happens. Don't get me wrong, I am bragging, but not on myself. For the things that I have accomplished or been given I give all the glory to God. I could not have done any of these amazing things had it not been for Him. In fact, I could not have ever in my wildest dreams imagined most of these things!
Growing up I knew I wanted children, but I never could have imagined that I would have six amazing kids. It would have never crossed my mind that I would even be able to stay at home with them and homeschool them, but my awesome God made that possible. He allowed me to stay at home with them and raise them instead of sending them away to strangers. He let me serve in church and teach other kids all about His goodness. God let me marry an amazing man who would provide for us (which also comes from God) so that the kids and I could stay home together as they grew.
My God allowed me to go back to school after 20 years and helped me to do well. My dad and my brother were both writers, but who would have ever guessed that it would be me that would write and publish a book? Not me for sure! My God has done so many amazing things through me that sometimes it makes me dizzy thinking of how good He has been to me. I am not deserving of His goodness, yet He carries me through everything and keeps me provided for way beyond what I would be able to do. No, I am not bragging on myself at all, I am bragging on my amazing God. Words are not good enough to express how wonderful He is. I want to be sure that He gets all of the glory for everything that He has done in my life. Without Him I am nothing, but with Him, I can do all things. I am so in love with my awesome God!
Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us— to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Saturday, March 19, 2016
A day for mourning and a day for rejoicing
Everyone has days that are special for them in one way or another. Remembrances of special things that have happened, whether happy or sad. Life is full of ups and downs and we are given daily reminders of this truth. However, occasionally one day can hold both good and bad memories. Today is such a day for me. March nineteenth will always be special in my heart; very special. I always hold this date dear because of two things that happened, or didn't happen to me.
The first reminder I have for this precious day is the remembrance of an empty womb. March 19, 1998 was the day that I was due to deliver my second child. What a joyous day that would have been! Instead of joy however, for me it was a day of great sadness. My child was not born on March 19th, in fact he was not born at all. Almost half way through my pregnancy, on one October day I got scared of what was to come, evoked my "right to chose" and had an abortion. It wasn't exactly the easy choice that I was assured it would be. The promises that women are told are complete lies and I am living proof.
I think of my child, Joshua Daniel, often. I wonder what he might have looked like. I consider what his voice would sound like and what would his personality be. Would he be funny or serious? Perhaps he would be a great thinker. Maybe he would be the silliest kid on earth and keep me rolling in laughter. These are things that I will never know but forever question in my heart. This day reminds me of my own selfishness and an empty womb. A child forever lost.
However, this day brings great joy to me as well. Later on in my life I had asked God to forgive me for my abortion and he healed me of so much pain that accompanied it. I was later happily married and beginning to deal with the pain that was associated with my bad choices in my younger years. God wanted to bless me and show me that He loved me even still. My husband and I found out that we were going to have another baby. My due date for this child... March 19th!
I really struggled with this date being when my daughter was due at first. I felt guilt from my abortion and having another child due on the very same day caused me even more guilt. Through prayer and guidance from other Christians I can now see that God was allowing my children to share the same due date to show me that everything was going to be ok. It was like a giant hug from heaven, both from God and my precious son who is there waiting on me to join him. My story is a reminder that pain lasts through the night but joy comes in the morning!
As if right on cue, I went into labor with my daughter in the evening on March 19th. It was a long night of labor but by morning, we had our precious baby girl. She will be 17 years old tomorrow and she amazes me constantly. She has grown into a beautiful amazing young woman and I am so very proud of her. She brings not only me, but her father and many other people such joy. I am honored to be her mom and so very excited to celebrate her birth and her life. I hope she knows just how precious she is. God has shown me so much through her life.
As I wrote earlier, my life reminds me that no matter how much pain we are in, joy comes in the morning. Today I remember my son. I no longer feel shame and guilt because of his death but I know him as my son and say a prayer asking God to tell him hello for me and that I love and miss him. Tomorrow I celebrate the precious life of my daughter and tell her how special and how loved she is. Happy birthday baby girl, I'm so glad that God allowed me to be your mom. <3 <3 <3
The first reminder I have for this precious day is the remembrance of an empty womb. March 19, 1998 was the day that I was due to deliver my second child. What a joyous day that would have been! Instead of joy however, for me it was a day of great sadness. My child was not born on March 19th, in fact he was not born at all. Almost half way through my pregnancy, on one October day I got scared of what was to come, evoked my "right to chose" and had an abortion. It wasn't exactly the easy choice that I was assured it would be. The promises that women are told are complete lies and I am living proof.
I think of my child, Joshua Daniel, often. I wonder what he might have looked like. I consider what his voice would sound like and what would his personality be. Would he be funny or serious? Perhaps he would be a great thinker. Maybe he would be the silliest kid on earth and keep me rolling in laughter. These are things that I will never know but forever question in my heart. This day reminds me of my own selfishness and an empty womb. A child forever lost.
However, this day brings great joy to me as well. Later on in my life I had asked God to forgive me for my abortion and he healed me of so much pain that accompanied it. I was later happily married and beginning to deal with the pain that was associated with my bad choices in my younger years. God wanted to bless me and show me that He loved me even still. My husband and I found out that we were going to have another baby. My due date for this child... March 19th!
I really struggled with this date being when my daughter was due at first. I felt guilt from my abortion and having another child due on the very same day caused me even more guilt. Through prayer and guidance from other Christians I can now see that God was allowing my children to share the same due date to show me that everything was going to be ok. It was like a giant hug from heaven, both from God and my precious son who is there waiting on me to join him. My story is a reminder that pain lasts through the night but joy comes in the morning!
As if right on cue, I went into labor with my daughter in the evening on March 19th. It was a long night of labor but by morning, we had our precious baby girl. She will be 17 years old tomorrow and she amazes me constantly. She has grown into a beautiful amazing young woman and I am so very proud of her. She brings not only me, but her father and many other people such joy. I am honored to be her mom and so very excited to celebrate her birth and her life. I hope she knows just how precious she is. God has shown me so much through her life.
As I wrote earlier, my life reminds me that no matter how much pain we are in, joy comes in the morning. Today I remember my son. I no longer feel shame and guilt because of his death but I know him as my son and say a prayer asking God to tell him hello for me and that I love and miss him. Tomorrow I celebrate the precious life of my daughter and tell her how special and how loved she is. Happy birthday baby girl, I'm so glad that God allowed me to be your mom. <3 <3 <3
Monday, February 29, 2016
Blah...
This morning I am struggling with many emotions and none of them are good.
Sad.
Worthless.
Angry.
Hurt.
Alone.
Grumpy.
Anxious.
Depressed.
I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the point. There is no reason for me to feel this way; I just do. There are things deep in my heart that are concerning me or have given me a reason to be upset, but nothing major and mostly just me being human. But my problem is whether I have a reason for these feelings or not, they are present.
There was a time in my life when I would have taken these feelings and spent the entire day making sure that everyone knew that I was upset and making them pay for it, even when I knew it was not their bill to pay. I apologize to all of my friends and family who have fallen victim to that bad attitude of mine.
What I will attempt to do today instead is to focus on God. He says "This is the day that Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it!" (Psalm 11:24). He also says that He "knows the plans that He has for me, plans for prosper not my harm; to give me a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). So many other places where He has given this same type of promise; these are what I need to listen to.
For no reason whatsoever today is a rough day. My heart is just not in living this day out. But I will keep my focus on God and pray that He gives me some joy. You have to get through the tough to make it to the good times. I will keep pushing on. There's my thought for today. Hope everyone else is having a great day today :) <3
Sad.
Worthless.
Angry.
Hurt.
Alone.
Grumpy.
Anxious.
Depressed.
I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the point. There is no reason for me to feel this way; I just do. There are things deep in my heart that are concerning me or have given me a reason to be upset, but nothing major and mostly just me being human. But my problem is whether I have a reason for these feelings or not, they are present.
There was a time in my life when I would have taken these feelings and spent the entire day making sure that everyone knew that I was upset and making them pay for it, even when I knew it was not their bill to pay. I apologize to all of my friends and family who have fallen victim to that bad attitude of mine.
What I will attempt to do today instead is to focus on God. He says "This is the day that Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it!" (Psalm 11:24). He also says that He "knows the plans that He has for me, plans for prosper not my harm; to give me a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). So many other places where He has given this same type of promise; these are what I need to listen to.
For no reason whatsoever today is a rough day. My heart is just not in living this day out. But I will keep my focus on God and pray that He gives me some joy. You have to get through the tough to make it to the good times. I will keep pushing on. There's my thought for today. Hope everyone else is having a great day today :) <3
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