Perception

Perception is everything. The way you see things will control how you view life. I have learned this very important lesson in an awesome way recently.

I was a stay at home homeschool mom for 18 years. I absolutely loved being home with my kids and enjoyed spending each day watching them grow and developing a close relationship with them. However, as much as I love my children, I got burnt out along the way and started secretly wishing that I could have some time away. Now don't get me wrong, NEVER would I want to be completely away from my kids, but I started thinking that maybe I needed to go get a job and be away from them for a bit.

Now before I go any further, let me explain what I mean. I am not saying that it is bad for a mom to go out and get a job, nor am I saying that it is bad for a mom to have some time away from her kids. I still believe that is very important and healthy for some separation to happen at times. I am talking about what I have figured out is best for my family and on a regular, daily basis as any average day.

When we decided that it was time for most of our children to go to public school, I thought I would go back into the world and get a full time job and be a professional. Well, no jobs were available at the time. However, a position opened up a the preschool of the church we attended at the time. I could bring my children with me that were still homeschooling and it was only three days a week so I was still very much available at home. This was the perfect opportunity for me to get out of the house for a bit and earn some money, but still be there for my kids whenever they needed me.

I worked at the preschool for almost three years. Three-fourths through the third year my husband told me that I needed to get a full time job due to our finances. I was sad to leave the kids but excited to get back out in the world and be a professional. Yet, still nothing was available. I was hired, however at a local restaurant. Something felt off about this place, but I left the preschool (after many tears telling those sweet little faces goodbye!) and went off on my new career (I was promised the ability to move up to supervisor very quickly so this was to be a long-term, good thing, obviously it didn't turn out the way they had promised).

My perception at this point was that even though I adored my kids, I needed to be out in the world and get to know other adults. Live the lifestyle of spending the majority of my day away from my kids, letting them fend for themselves (which I repeat, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that there isn't a need for separation and learning to be independent, rather speaking of typical, everyday life) while I am out doing my thing. I had grown tired of sitting outside of the school daily, waiting for them to come out, then spending at least two hours a day driving the kids where they needed to be. I had grown tired of constantly having to pick things up in our home or tell them to pick up after themselves (ok that hasn't changed but the way I perceive it has). I was exhausted with my life and ready to begin a new life.

This new job was going to be my answer to this desire. I was going to be gone every day through the week and they were going to get themselves home (or my mom would be doing the transportation when they couldn't). My husband was just going to have to take the time off work for all of the doctor appointments, orthodontist appointments, and whatever else they needed. I would, of course, enjoy my kids in the evenings when I was home but the rest of the day was mine to go out and live my own life at my job.

Obviously, that is not how things turned out for me, or else there would not be this blog post. It did not take me very long to realize why God had not opened up any doors for me to get a professional, full time job. While I was exhausted with my life at home, I just needed a reminder of how much I loved it. I was miserable. First there was the fact that the job was awful. I have always been the kind of person to love working and always found good things in every job. This job, however was full of drama and lies. I will leave it at that for that subject. But I very quickly realized that my heart was always at home with my family. I actually missed picking up messes and sitting at the school waiting to pick them up. Even now that were in the teenage years where the "Hi! How was your day?" is always met with a grumpy sigh. I desperately missed it. I began wishing I was able to be at home to even do the mundane daily chores.

Finally, after many prayers and many tears, my husband saw my pain. He knew that I was miserable and that I needed to be at home. He told me to quit my job and immediately upon hearing those words I felt such freedom. I could be home with my kids and take care of my family!

Now those who know me understand that this was never about me quitting a job or me not wanting to work. I have always been a very hard worker and will do everything I need to in order to take care of my family. I just realized that no amount of money was worth me being going. I only have a few years left with my kids, one has already graduated and moved out. I need to be here taking care of them. I need to be the one that they can call when they're sick and need to come home. I need to be the one that is waiting for them to come out of the school at the end of the day. I need to be the one holding the house together.

Now that it had been taken away from me for a while and I have it back I am filled with such joy while doing the things that I had complained about only a few months ago. I sit in the parking lot and anxiously wait for my kids to come out. I do the dishes and praise God that I have a house full of kids to use those dishes (and  an amazing husband who cooks breakfast in bed for me and goes to work daily so I can stay home and take care of our family!). A few months ago my perception of my daily duties was clouded by my being overwhelmed and exhausted. Now my perception is nothing but love and adoration for the precious gifts God has given me. I love my family so much and when I think about these things it almost feels like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. I used to be upset and feel worthless saying that my life meant nothing and that I helped no one. I now see that my life is for my family and I realize how very blessed I am. I will go back to work one day and I will be happy about it. My kids will grow up and live their own lives (they have already begun their independence). But for now, while they are growing up, they know that mom is home and there for them no matter what. I no longer complain about doing these things for my family because my perception has changed. I no longer see myself and my exhaustion but my love for my family.

Everything is how you see it. Make sure that you are not allowing your perception overcome the true importance of your life.