This morning I am struggling with many emotions and none of them are good.
Sad.
Worthless.
Angry.
Hurt.
Alone.
Grumpy.
Anxious.
Depressed.
I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the point. There is no reason for me to feel this way; I just do. There are things deep in my heart that are concerning me or have given me a reason to be upset, but nothing major and mostly just me being human. But my problem is whether I have a reason for these feelings or not, they are present.
There was a time in my life when I would have taken these feelings and spent the entire day making sure that everyone knew that I was upset and making them pay for it, even when I knew it was not their bill to pay. I apologize to all of my friends and family who have fallen victim to that bad attitude of mine.
What I will attempt to do today instead is to focus on God. He says "This is the day that Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it!" (Psalm 11:24). He also says that He "knows the plans that He has for me, plans for prosper not my harm; to give me a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). So many other places where He has given this same type of promise; these are what I need to listen to.
For no reason whatsoever today is a rough day. My heart is just not in living this day out. But I will keep my focus on God and pray that He gives me some joy. You have to get through the tough to make it to the good times. I will keep pushing on. There's my thought for today. Hope everyone else is having a great day today :) <3
Monday, February 29, 2016
Monday, February 22, 2016
The Same Power
I'd say "Good morning" but that might be a lie. I have no reason at all for this but my morning has not been "good". My morning has been ok; nothing terrible has happened, but it's my attitude that is not the best. For some reason, unknown to me, I feel hopeless inside. There is no reason for this feeling, so I am fighting it.
As I have gone about my morning I have had a song going through my mind. This happens often as I love music and always have, but this morning the song going through my mind is, I'm sure, a message from God. I believe the song is by Jeremy Camp and although I know the whole song it is the one line that keeps repeating in my mind; "The same power that rose Jesus from the dead is in us, is in us."
As I am singing this I am remembering the good in life. I am in my home right now doing chores; dishes, taking out the trash, picking up after kids and dogs, laundry, all mundane things, but I am enjoying them. Why am I enjoying them, you might ask. Because I love being a stay at home mom. I have also had the thoughts going through my mind that this will not last much longer as I have to find a full time job and things will change for my family. I have a part time job now, but I have been a stay at home mom since my kids were babies, now I will be a full time working mom. I wont be able to leave and take them where ever they need to go. I wont be able to run lunches to school when they forget. I wont even be able to take them to the doctor when they need to go. This will be a hard change for my whole family. I could easily complain about that this morning, but I will instead be grateful for the many years that I've had it. I praise God for allowing me to be at home with my babies for most of their early years.
This song, however also reminds me of other things. I have friends and family members struggling with some very hard things. I have had similar struggles (and still do!) But this song reminds me that I am not alone. So often I feel so alone in life, like I'm walking through my hard times while everyone else is laughing and having a good time. But that is not the case; in fact that is a lie straight from Satan to keep me depressed and down. Not only am I not alone, but I have the very same power to help me that raised Jesus from the dead... read that again... from the DEAD!! There is no greater power!! The very same God that we read about in the Bible is the very same God that is in us today. We have nothing to fear!
It does not matter if we're struggling with feeling alone, finding the right way, or having too much put on us, we have the power to overcome when we trust in God. It gives me shivers to think about this amazing fact! It is so hard to see at times, but whatever the problem, He is always with us, walking us through; holding our hand and guiding us, We only need to look to Him. The problem is we have to look past the huge problem that we're facing, but it can be done. Let me add some verses from His Word to remind us of this truth...
Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you."
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Romans 8:28 For we know that all things work together for His good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your path straight.
There are so many more but I will stop for now. He is so good! I love how a bad attitude can be changed in a moment of praise. Our trials in this world are short. They are hard and exhausting, but God is os much bigger. When we focus on Him they begin to fade away. They are still very present in our lives, but they fade because God takes the load onto Himself and off of us. Praise Him today and look to Him for your struggles!!
As I have gone about my morning I have had a song going through my mind. This happens often as I love music and always have, but this morning the song going through my mind is, I'm sure, a message from God. I believe the song is by Jeremy Camp and although I know the whole song it is the one line that keeps repeating in my mind; "The same power that rose Jesus from the dead is in us, is in us."
As I am singing this I am remembering the good in life. I am in my home right now doing chores; dishes, taking out the trash, picking up after kids and dogs, laundry, all mundane things, but I am enjoying them. Why am I enjoying them, you might ask. Because I love being a stay at home mom. I have also had the thoughts going through my mind that this will not last much longer as I have to find a full time job and things will change for my family. I have a part time job now, but I have been a stay at home mom since my kids were babies, now I will be a full time working mom. I wont be able to leave and take them where ever they need to go. I wont be able to run lunches to school when they forget. I wont even be able to take them to the doctor when they need to go. This will be a hard change for my whole family. I could easily complain about that this morning, but I will instead be grateful for the many years that I've had it. I praise God for allowing me to be at home with my babies for most of their early years.
This song, however also reminds me of other things. I have friends and family members struggling with some very hard things. I have had similar struggles (and still do!) But this song reminds me that I am not alone. So often I feel so alone in life, like I'm walking through my hard times while everyone else is laughing and having a good time. But that is not the case; in fact that is a lie straight from Satan to keep me depressed and down. Not only am I not alone, but I have the very same power to help me that raised Jesus from the dead... read that again... from the DEAD!! There is no greater power!! The very same God that we read about in the Bible is the very same God that is in us today. We have nothing to fear!
It does not matter if we're struggling with feeling alone, finding the right way, or having too much put on us, we have the power to overcome when we trust in God. It gives me shivers to think about this amazing fact! It is so hard to see at times, but whatever the problem, He is always with us, walking us through; holding our hand and guiding us, We only need to look to Him. The problem is we have to look past the huge problem that we're facing, but it can be done. Let me add some verses from His Word to remind us of this truth...
Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you."
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Romans 8:28 For we know that all things work together for His good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your path straight.
There are so many more but I will stop for now. He is so good! I love how a bad attitude can be changed in a moment of praise. Our trials in this world are short. They are hard and exhausting, but God is os much bigger. When we focus on Him they begin to fade away. They are still very present in our lives, but they fade because God takes the load onto Himself and off of us. Praise Him today and look to Him for your struggles!!
Sunday, February 7, 2016
How He Loves
This morning I am in awe thinking of how God loves me. This has been a struggle my entire life because I have always felt unworthy of love. However, then I was saved and am always told how much God loves me. I always come back with the one word question, "Why?" I have spent my whole life feeling completely unloved and unaccepted, how can this God love me? Or more importantly, why would He?
I am quite certain that I have shared on here that my childhood was not the best one could experience. I spent a lot of time feeling unloved, unappreciated and just plain worthless. Actually, I was told these things numerous times by people who were supposed to be my support. A shy little girl would have no choice but to grow up believing herself to be worthless when faced with what I had to endure.
However, having been a Christian for 18 years now I can say that while I may still not understand why or how, I know that my amazing God has a love for me that I will never be able to fully comprehend. I do not know this because I am told this, but because I can feel it. When I am weak and scared, I feel His arms wrap around me. When I am mad I hear a still soft voice telling me to trust in Him. When I cant trust in anything else, I know without a shadow of a doubt that He loves me more than I will ever even know.
The why and how that I do not understand does not matter. That is so hard for me to wrap my mind around but it is truth. Whether I feel worthy or not, God loves me. Whether I understand just how much He loves me, He still loves me. As my favorite song says...
I am quite certain that I have shared on here that my childhood was not the best one could experience. I spent a lot of time feeling unloved, unappreciated and just plain worthless. Actually, I was told these things numerous times by people who were supposed to be my support. A shy little girl would have no choice but to grow up believing herself to be worthless when faced with what I had to endure.
However, having been a Christian for 18 years now I can say that while I may still not understand why or how, I know that my amazing God has a love for me that I will never be able to fully comprehend. I do not know this because I am told this, but because I can feel it. When I am weak and scared, I feel His arms wrap around me. When I am mad I hear a still soft voice telling me to trust in Him. When I cant trust in anything else, I know without a shadow of a doubt that He loves me more than I will ever even know.
The why and how that I do not understand does not matter. That is so hard for me to wrap my mind around but it is truth. Whether I feel worthy or not, God loves me. Whether I understand just how much He loves me, He still loves me. As my favorite song says...
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind an mercy
Think on those amazing words for a minute. Consider a hurricane; the power of the winds and the forces of nature. I am a tree in the middle this amazing storm, bending at the amounts of love that He is pouring out all around me. The metal image that this song paints for me amazes me every time I hear it. In my mind I see myself as a tree, fragile and in tears; struggling in life. All the while, God's love is pouring out so strong all around me. When I focus on Him I can clearly see the hurricane force winds pounding my heart so strong that I cannot stand in His presence. His love, while I will never comprehend it fully, amazes me.
I am posting a link to this song so you can listen to it. It is called "How He Loves" by David Crowder. Take a minute, close your eyes and imagine yourself as this tree in the midst of a hurricane of God's love. Think for a minute on just how amazing He is. Our God is so awesome!
Monday, February 1, 2016
Identity
From as far back as I can remember I have struggled with my own identity. I do not remember one point in my life when I knew exactly where I belonged and who I was. This is something that I've hoped, wish and begged God for; some sort of peace and comfort in being able to identify with someone, somewhere.
When I was three years old, my dad, brother and I moved in with my grandma. This is the pace that I loved to be. However it did not last long. My dad remarried and we moved to a different town. I was a shy little girl in first grade and did not know how to make new friends, so I sat alone most days. By the time that I was a bit older I had made some new friends, I even had a few that I considered best friends, but my home life was not good so that desperate need lingered and I was miserable from deep within. I was never taught how to handle my feelings or how to deal with anything, I was simply left as worthless, which was exactly how I felt.
When I was older I thought for sure that if I lived with my mom I would find my place in this world, so once again I moved, this time three hours away. a quarter of the way through my eighth grade year I started a new life with my mom. I was very happy to be with her, but school life was not good. The kids had already formed relationships and I was the oddball. Still the shy little girl inside, I just kept to myself and took all of the ridicule and bullying that came my way. By this point in my life, I was sure that I was worthless as I had always been taught. But I was going to change and find my way.
The next fall, when I started high school was my big break; or so I thought. This was where I would find myself. The town we lived in was big, so the high school was a combination of three different middle schools, this was all new kids and I was going to force myself to break out of my shell. So that is exactly what I did. I made friends, had boyfriends, and hung out having fun. The only problem is that it still did not satisfy my need for feeling like I belong.
After high school I didn't do too bad, I worked two jobs, moved out and got married and attempted to start a life. But when problems arose, I was gone. That started a long time of going back and forth trying to find where "home" was. I'd go to southern Ohio (where I was raised), then go back to central Ohio thinking that must be home. Only to find that whatever it was I was looking for was not there.
I felt as if there were no place that I belonged and that I must truly be worthless. Then one day I found out I was pregnant. I had my first son alone and decided him and I would start a life and surely now I had worth; I belonged with my son. I was saved a year later, joined a church and met my husband. We had more kids and I quit my job to be a full time house wife and home school mom. I was positive that I had found where I belonged. I poured my whole heart and life into my family. I was warned by many to continue to have a life for myself but I did not heed these warnings.
While raising my kids and caring for my family I felt the most needed, accepted and wanted than I ever have in my life. I thought that must be what I was created to do. That is such a wonderful thought; however there is a flaw in this as well. Kids grow up; my job was to help them grow so that they could have their own life, not be MY life. They have done that. They are not all grown yet, but they are all old enough to be their own people; one had already graduated and began his own life apart from us. My children are wonderful and I am so very proud of them. But I have recently realized that while they are a huge part of my life, they also are not my identity.
So now here I am, 41 years old and still not sure who I am or where I belong. I feel as though I have wasted my entire life looking for something that is not there. I regret that. For now I am finally starting to realize that my identity is not in who accepts me, where I live, or my circumstances. My identity is in my amazing God. He created me. He loves me and has a purpose for me regardless of if I or anyone else can see it. I have not learned how to accept myself but I am finally trying. I pray that God takes my life and uses me. I pray that God helps me to see my identity in Him. Also, my reason in writing this is that I pray that God will use my life-long struggle to help others to see that they have worth in Him as well. We are His. We need to look to Him for our identity, not to anything or anyone else.
When I was three years old, my dad, brother and I moved in with my grandma. This is the pace that I loved to be. However it did not last long. My dad remarried and we moved to a different town. I was a shy little girl in first grade and did not know how to make new friends, so I sat alone most days. By the time that I was a bit older I had made some new friends, I even had a few that I considered best friends, but my home life was not good so that desperate need lingered and I was miserable from deep within. I was never taught how to handle my feelings or how to deal with anything, I was simply left as worthless, which was exactly how I felt.
When I was older I thought for sure that if I lived with my mom I would find my place in this world, so once again I moved, this time three hours away. a quarter of the way through my eighth grade year I started a new life with my mom. I was very happy to be with her, but school life was not good. The kids had already formed relationships and I was the oddball. Still the shy little girl inside, I just kept to myself and took all of the ridicule and bullying that came my way. By this point in my life, I was sure that I was worthless as I had always been taught. But I was going to change and find my way.
The next fall, when I started high school was my big break; or so I thought. This was where I would find myself. The town we lived in was big, so the high school was a combination of three different middle schools, this was all new kids and I was going to force myself to break out of my shell. So that is exactly what I did. I made friends, had boyfriends, and hung out having fun. The only problem is that it still did not satisfy my need for feeling like I belong.
After high school I didn't do too bad, I worked two jobs, moved out and got married and attempted to start a life. But when problems arose, I was gone. That started a long time of going back and forth trying to find where "home" was. I'd go to southern Ohio (where I was raised), then go back to central Ohio thinking that must be home. Only to find that whatever it was I was looking for was not there.
I felt as if there were no place that I belonged and that I must truly be worthless. Then one day I found out I was pregnant. I had my first son alone and decided him and I would start a life and surely now I had worth; I belonged with my son. I was saved a year later, joined a church and met my husband. We had more kids and I quit my job to be a full time house wife and home school mom. I was positive that I had found where I belonged. I poured my whole heart and life into my family. I was warned by many to continue to have a life for myself but I did not heed these warnings.
While raising my kids and caring for my family I felt the most needed, accepted and wanted than I ever have in my life. I thought that must be what I was created to do. That is such a wonderful thought; however there is a flaw in this as well. Kids grow up; my job was to help them grow so that they could have their own life, not be MY life. They have done that. They are not all grown yet, but they are all old enough to be their own people; one had already graduated and began his own life apart from us. My children are wonderful and I am so very proud of them. But I have recently realized that while they are a huge part of my life, they also are not my identity.
So now here I am, 41 years old and still not sure who I am or where I belong. I feel as though I have wasted my entire life looking for something that is not there. I regret that. For now I am finally starting to realize that my identity is not in who accepts me, where I live, or my circumstances. My identity is in my amazing God. He created me. He loves me and has a purpose for me regardless of if I or anyone else can see it. I have not learned how to accept myself but I am finally trying. I pray that God takes my life and uses me. I pray that God helps me to see my identity in Him. Also, my reason in writing this is that I pray that God will use my life-long struggle to help others to see that they have worth in Him as well. We are His. We need to look to Him for our identity, not to anything or anyone else.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Larry Bussa January 1, 1947- January 29, 2015
I'll re-live these days every year, most likely for the rest of my life. It was the most heart-wrenching joyous occasion I've ever experienced. Heart-wrenching for me, joyous for him. I would be lying if I were to even attempt to say that it is not heavy on my mind on this night, the eve of the anniversary of my dad's death.
A large part of our state had experienced a very bad snow storm over the weekend. However, what followed the storm was even worse. Not only were we covered in snow, but we now were dealing with extremely low temperatures, colder than what any of us were used to with wind chills that made it unbearable. I am pretty certain that Alaska was warmer than Ohio during this week. My dad would have gotten a kick out of knowing that he left during this weather, as if to say that he most certainly had had enough and was completely done with this crazy Ohio weather. I have always hated cold and snow for two reasons; one because I was cold-blooded and always freezing and two because it's how my daddy taught me to think. In our house when I was growing up, snow was a bad word.
When Hospice called the family in for my dad, I was stuck at my home almost three hours away. I was devastated that I could not be by his side. I had spent the previous three years running down to my hometown, Portsmouth, Ohio every time he would take a turn for the worse. When I was at my house and not able to be by his side I was calling Hospice nurses and family members to check up on him and see how he was doing. He had always said that he did not want to live in a miserable state, but circumstances made him live for three years in misery. Now it was time for him to be called home to Heaven and finally be out of misery and because of horrible weather, I was not going to be able to hold his hand one last time and tell him goodbye. It was all that I wanted.
Finally there was a break in the weather, roads were cleared, and I was able to make the trip to be by my daddy's side. I could not get there fast enough. I do not remember much about the trip, only that I had to get down there. Finally, after a very long, exhausting trip, I arrived and joined my daddy as he lay on what would be his death bed.
I had prepared myself for what I would see. I had seen people in their final stages of life many times before, but there is just something different when the person you are looking at is the person that you had looked up to your entire life. As I entered the room I saw a shell of a man. He was no longer coherent nor did he wake up at all. His body was there, sleeping, but my daddy was already gone.
Two nights before he died, my dad saw his welcoming party into the spiritual realm. We watched as the man who had previously done nothing but slept opened his eyes. But his eyes weren't open to the world around us, rather the world that he was about to enter. There was a joy that surrounded my dad that I had never seen before. He looked straight above him constantly and held a huge smile on his face. There were times that he lifted his body in a way that was not humanly possible. The last traces of his man's strength had left his body weeks ago, yet he was lifting himself out of bed. He was not lifting in a normal way, but straight up instead. I am certain that my dad saw Heaven that night, Jesus along with his parents and possibly many others were welcoming him home, no one can ever convince me otherwise. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
The days were full of visiting with old friends and long-lost family members. It was so good to see them all again and spend time with them. We sat and talked, we laughed about old times, it was a wonderful time of reminiscing. But it was always in the back of my mind that we were there for another reason; it was all too real that any minute we would be rushing to my dad's bedside to hold his hand as he drew his final breathes.
That moment came on Wednesday afternoon. My husband and my daughter were on their way to join us and they arrived just in time. By the time that they walked in, the rest of us had already gathered around dad, we were all well aware that his time on this earth was complete. We watched as his breathing slowed and finally stopped. I remember watching his chest slowly move up and down, then stop, then slow a few more times. They had warned us that he could stop breathing for a time then start back up. His nurse had told me to count between breaths and that it could be up to twenty seconds before the next. That is exactly how it happened. First it was about five seconds, then ten, then twenty, and finally, there were no more breaths taken. I sat by his side the entire time, held his hand and counted his breaths, maybe he had done the same for me as I entered the world that he was now leaving.
My world would never be the same. My daddy was gone. We had been through so much in life; so many ups and downs, but it was all over now. He was gone. Yet I could still praise God. Thought my dad was no longer here with me, I knew that he was still ok. He had entered Heaven. He was with Jesus and all of our loved ones who had already gone before him. He was finally out of the pain and misery that he had been forced to endure for so long. He was ok. I hold on to that and have a great peace when I think of him. I praise God for my dad. I praise God that He allowed me to make the trip and be by his side as he died. I praise God that one day I will go and be by my dad's side again. He is waiting for me and it will be a wonderful reunion. As I used to sing in church while standing beside my daddy, "When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!" I look forward to that day. Until then, I love you and miss you daddy.
Larry Bussa January 1, 1947- January 29, 2015
A large part of our state had experienced a very bad snow storm over the weekend. However, what followed the storm was even worse. Not only were we covered in snow, but we now were dealing with extremely low temperatures, colder than what any of us were used to with wind chills that made it unbearable. I am pretty certain that Alaska was warmer than Ohio during this week. My dad would have gotten a kick out of knowing that he left during this weather, as if to say that he most certainly had had enough and was completely done with this crazy Ohio weather. I have always hated cold and snow for two reasons; one because I was cold-blooded and always freezing and two because it's how my daddy taught me to think. In our house when I was growing up, snow was a bad word.
When Hospice called the family in for my dad, I was stuck at my home almost three hours away. I was devastated that I could not be by his side. I had spent the previous three years running down to my hometown, Portsmouth, Ohio every time he would take a turn for the worse. When I was at my house and not able to be by his side I was calling Hospice nurses and family members to check up on him and see how he was doing. He had always said that he did not want to live in a miserable state, but circumstances made him live for three years in misery. Now it was time for him to be called home to Heaven and finally be out of misery and because of horrible weather, I was not going to be able to hold his hand one last time and tell him goodbye. It was all that I wanted.
Finally there was a break in the weather, roads were cleared, and I was able to make the trip to be by my daddy's side. I could not get there fast enough. I do not remember much about the trip, only that I had to get down there. Finally, after a very long, exhausting trip, I arrived and joined my daddy as he lay on what would be his death bed.
I had prepared myself for what I would see. I had seen people in their final stages of life many times before, but there is just something different when the person you are looking at is the person that you had looked up to your entire life. As I entered the room I saw a shell of a man. He was no longer coherent nor did he wake up at all. His body was there, sleeping, but my daddy was already gone.
Two nights before he died, my dad saw his welcoming party into the spiritual realm. We watched as the man who had previously done nothing but slept opened his eyes. But his eyes weren't open to the world around us, rather the world that he was about to enter. There was a joy that surrounded my dad that I had never seen before. He looked straight above him constantly and held a huge smile on his face. There were times that he lifted his body in a way that was not humanly possible. The last traces of his man's strength had left his body weeks ago, yet he was lifting himself out of bed. He was not lifting in a normal way, but straight up instead. I am certain that my dad saw Heaven that night, Jesus along with his parents and possibly many others were welcoming him home, no one can ever convince me otherwise. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
The days were full of visiting with old friends and long-lost family members. It was so good to see them all again and spend time with them. We sat and talked, we laughed about old times, it was a wonderful time of reminiscing. But it was always in the back of my mind that we were there for another reason; it was all too real that any minute we would be rushing to my dad's bedside to hold his hand as he drew his final breathes.
That moment came on Wednesday afternoon. My husband and my daughter were on their way to join us and they arrived just in time. By the time that they walked in, the rest of us had already gathered around dad, we were all well aware that his time on this earth was complete. We watched as his breathing slowed and finally stopped. I remember watching his chest slowly move up and down, then stop, then slow a few more times. They had warned us that he could stop breathing for a time then start back up. His nurse had told me to count between breaths and that it could be up to twenty seconds before the next. That is exactly how it happened. First it was about five seconds, then ten, then twenty, and finally, there were no more breaths taken. I sat by his side the entire time, held his hand and counted his breaths, maybe he had done the same for me as I entered the world that he was now leaving.
My world would never be the same. My daddy was gone. We had been through so much in life; so many ups and downs, but it was all over now. He was gone. Yet I could still praise God. Thought my dad was no longer here with me, I knew that he was still ok. He had entered Heaven. He was with Jesus and all of our loved ones who had already gone before him. He was finally out of the pain and misery that he had been forced to endure for so long. He was ok. I hold on to that and have a great peace when I think of him. I praise God for my dad. I praise God that He allowed me to make the trip and be by his side as he died. I praise God that one day I will go and be by my dad's side again. He is waiting for me and it will be a wonderful reunion. As I used to sing in church while standing beside my daddy, "When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!" I look forward to that day. Until then, I love you and miss you daddy.
Larry Bussa January 1, 1947- January 29, 2015
Friday, April 24, 2015
What About "Her"?
There is a great debate raging in our country... no, in our world. Each side of this debate screams their point of view with great emotion. They bicker back and forth, picket certain events, even get laws changed every once in a while which sparks even more furious debating. Unfortunately, however, most people are missing some very important aspects that go a little further than a simple "choice". Like the proverbial "Can't see the forest for the trees" problem, many lives are being devastated from this debate and not just the ones that you might think.
"It's my body, my choice!" some say. "No one has the right to tell me what I will or won't do!" This side have opted to name themselves "pro-choice". They proudly scream to the world that abortion should be legal and no one should have any problem with it because what one does with their own body is not the business of anyone else. I used to believe this. I always said "Well, I would never have an abortion myself, but why should anyone say that another shouldn't do it?" Sadly, I found out in a very personal way just why this "choice" was more than simply deciding which pair of jeans I would wear on what day.
The other side of the debate is just as emotional; if not more. This side is known as pro-life. They believe that life begins in the womb and that every life should be protected and considered precious from the very beginning. These people work hard showing others how abortion is wrong and offer better options so that these women can see that they can go on with their pregnancy and that things will all be ok. This is very precious work that I have great respect for. I have been there with women as they find out that they are pregnant and have no clue what they will do. I have seen the fear in their eyes and showed them love and courage instead. I have known many women who have made the choice to continue their pregnancy and not one of them have ever said that they wished they had chosen abortion. However, as we get into this debate, we need to see that there are some important people that we are forgetting.
I'm sure that immediately you are thinking, "That's right, you're forgetting about the baby that's been aborted! What about that life?" Yes, that life is precious and needs to be remembered. However, that is not the life that I am talking about in this post. Please do not get me wrong, every single baby needs to be fought for and is very important, but there are other precious lives being forgotten. The mother. I've heard the arguments, "Well she chose to kill her child, I hope she hears those cries for the rest of her life!" Trust me, she does!
The pro-choice crowd says that abortion is just a choice and that a woman has every right to do it, but offers no help when she does. She is supposed to show up on that dreadful day, have the abortion, then go on with normal, everyday life. But guess what, there is no "normal" anymore. She is now a mother without a child. For all of eternity, she will always be a mother, but will never have pictures, stories of childbirth, beautiful memories of a child. She has only regret. Guilt. Shame. She probably left the abortion clinic feeling relieved, maybe she thought "problem solved!" but it is not long before these other feelings creep into her life. The even bigger problem, who can she go to?
People sometimes have a hard enough sharing their problems with others, even close friends, but how does "she" tell someone that she allowed a doctor to take her baby from her and that she feels bad for it? The world is always saying that it's ok so why does she feel so bad? If she does try to say something, she might get a well-meaning friend to say "oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you feel bad, but you know it was probably better off anyway!" This is not helpful either. This childless mother hears her baby's cries every night. She wonders if her baby felt the abortion. She wonders if her baby would hate her for what she did. She looks at all other children and wonders what her child would have looked like. She is no longer ale to commit to any relationship because she does not feel worthy. She believed the lie that the abortion would fix everything, but now she knows that it did not. She has no idea how to continue on with her life, and there is no one around to help her. She has no child, no hope, nothing but guilt and shame; and no where to go.
I have been there. Even though I once said that I would never have an abortion, one day I chose to do just that. I felt relief at first. Until the day I realized what I had done. I have nine children. Six are living. One I aborted and two miscarriages. I now understand that three of my children are living in heaven waiting for me to join them. But I also understand that I am forgiven. I now know that this was no an unpardonable sin and that there still can be a wonderful life after such a horrible situation. I spent many years in guilt and shame. Telling no one, but feeling dead inside. I know how the post-abortive woman feels because I am "her". There are many more women out there like me who are suffering terribly and fighting a world who has no place for them. It is my passion to show "her" the beauty of life after guilt and shame. In a world that forgets "her" for the fight at hand, I want "her" to know that she is loved and that she can see her child again. I want to teach "her" to live again. Other than serving my God and my family, this is my heart's desire and I am filled with so much passion for helping "her". For those who have been beaten down by this world and this fight; left out in the cold because she has served their purpose and they no longer need her, I will stand and help "her" up. Will anyone stand with me?
"It's my body, my choice!" some say. "No one has the right to tell me what I will or won't do!" This side have opted to name themselves "pro-choice". They proudly scream to the world that abortion should be legal and no one should have any problem with it because what one does with their own body is not the business of anyone else. I used to believe this. I always said "Well, I would never have an abortion myself, but why should anyone say that another shouldn't do it?" Sadly, I found out in a very personal way just why this "choice" was more than simply deciding which pair of jeans I would wear on what day.
The other side of the debate is just as emotional; if not more. This side is known as pro-life. They believe that life begins in the womb and that every life should be protected and considered precious from the very beginning. These people work hard showing others how abortion is wrong and offer better options so that these women can see that they can go on with their pregnancy and that things will all be ok. This is very precious work that I have great respect for. I have been there with women as they find out that they are pregnant and have no clue what they will do. I have seen the fear in their eyes and showed them love and courage instead. I have known many women who have made the choice to continue their pregnancy and not one of them have ever said that they wished they had chosen abortion. However, as we get into this debate, we need to see that there are some important people that we are forgetting.
I'm sure that immediately you are thinking, "That's right, you're forgetting about the baby that's been aborted! What about that life?" Yes, that life is precious and needs to be remembered. However, that is not the life that I am talking about in this post. Please do not get me wrong, every single baby needs to be fought for and is very important, but there are other precious lives being forgotten. The mother. I've heard the arguments, "Well she chose to kill her child, I hope she hears those cries for the rest of her life!" Trust me, she does!
The pro-choice crowd says that abortion is just a choice and that a woman has every right to do it, but offers no help when she does. She is supposed to show up on that dreadful day, have the abortion, then go on with normal, everyday life. But guess what, there is no "normal" anymore. She is now a mother without a child. For all of eternity, she will always be a mother, but will never have pictures, stories of childbirth, beautiful memories of a child. She has only regret. Guilt. Shame. She probably left the abortion clinic feeling relieved, maybe she thought "problem solved!" but it is not long before these other feelings creep into her life. The even bigger problem, who can she go to?
People sometimes have a hard enough sharing their problems with others, even close friends, but how does "she" tell someone that she allowed a doctor to take her baby from her and that she feels bad for it? The world is always saying that it's ok so why does she feel so bad? If she does try to say something, she might get a well-meaning friend to say "oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you feel bad, but you know it was probably better off anyway!" This is not helpful either. This childless mother hears her baby's cries every night. She wonders if her baby felt the abortion. She wonders if her baby would hate her for what she did. She looks at all other children and wonders what her child would have looked like. She is no longer ale to commit to any relationship because she does not feel worthy. She believed the lie that the abortion would fix everything, but now she knows that it did not. She has no idea how to continue on with her life, and there is no one around to help her. She has no child, no hope, nothing but guilt and shame; and no where to go.
I have been there. Even though I once said that I would never have an abortion, one day I chose to do just that. I felt relief at first. Until the day I realized what I had done. I have nine children. Six are living. One I aborted and two miscarriages. I now understand that three of my children are living in heaven waiting for me to join them. But I also understand that I am forgiven. I now know that this was no an unpardonable sin and that there still can be a wonderful life after such a horrible situation. I spent many years in guilt and shame. Telling no one, but feeling dead inside. I know how the post-abortive woman feels because I am "her". There are many more women out there like me who are suffering terribly and fighting a world who has no place for them. It is my passion to show "her" the beauty of life after guilt and shame. In a world that forgets "her" for the fight at hand, I want "her" to know that she is loved and that she can see her child again. I want to teach "her" to live again. Other than serving my God and my family, this is my heart's desire and I am filled with so much passion for helping "her". For those who have been beaten down by this world and this fight; left out in the cold because she has served their purpose and they no longer need her, I will stand and help "her" up. Will anyone stand with me?
Thursday, January 29, 2015
It was a year...
It was the end to a long three year (at least!) battle. The battle kept him weary and miserable for far too long; yet he continued to fight. He fought harder than anyone I've ever seen and all for those that he loved. However, now we were at the end. It was only a matter of time and we all knew it. So like I had done so many times in the previous three years, I rushed to his side, a long three hour drive with nothing but my fears and my thoughts. When finally I arrived, I walked in the door of that room and stood by his side one final time. I held his hand and said "I love you daddy, it's alright, we will all be ok, it's ok to let go and go see Jesus."
As we sat in that little room, preparing for the inevitable, I watched as many friends and loved ones came. They walked in to say their goodbyes to dad and to give their condolences to us. Precious time was spent with many loved ones that I hadn't seen in many, many years. In a way, it was a good time to be able to visit with them and talk about old times. I know that if my dad had his wits about him, he would have enjoyed it immensely and sat talking and laughing with us. To those precious people, you know who you are, I would like to say thank you so very much. I will cherish those memories for the rest of my days.
Then things began to happen. Suddenly, my dad had his eyes open! But it was obvious that he was not in our world. His eyes, though vacant before, had a different look to them now. He was not looking at us, but clearly was looking at something amazing! There was nothing but joy on his face and he kept them straight ahead, only looking up to the ceiling. He smiled, constantly! We watched in awe as my dad tried to lift his body upward toward the ceiling. Not in a way, however, that any of us would lift our bodies to get up; no this was different, it was unexplainable and amazing. His eyes shone and his face had nothing but peace and joy surrounding it! There are no words that can describe to joy of this night! I not only believe, but have no doubts that my dad was seeing Jesus, Momaw and Popaw (his parents) and so many others who had already gone before him. They were standing at the gates of eternity telling him "Come, your time on earth is done. There are so many wonderful things awaiting you here!" No one will ever convince me otherwise and I cannot wait to experience that for myself!!
After this wonderful experience, other spiritual things happened. My dad had slipped back into his deep sleep as his body continued to complete the shut down process. We watched a spiritual battle take place at this point. I will not go into many details on this, though I feel as if I could write an entire book on it. I feel that, at this point, it should stay in my mind alone. I am not sure why I feel this way, but I will obey the conviction. I will, however say that it did happen. I could almost see, and I could certainly feel the angels and the demons fighting over our peace in that room that night. It was scary and (maybe because I'm just a little crazy!) exciting in a way too. I knew that there were spirits fighting over my dad and for our peace, but I also knew that the battle had already been won! My dad's soul was going to Heaven, there was no changing that. I would have peace about it because I was sure of this and understood that dad was going to be better off. The spiritual battle was won and we just had to wait. I get excited thinking about it and it gives me such peace to continue on with the hurt and struggles that I have to continue on with as I complete my days on earth.
Everything was complete now. The spiritual battle had taken place, my dad had gotten his, quite obviously, dramatic invitation to complete his journey and enter Heaven. We had all said our goodbyes and my dad was just ready to be done with the pain that is associated with this life. So at some point in the afternoon (I think it was, time had no meaning to me during these days, all that mattered was being the for and with my dad.) the nurse came in to check my dad's vital signs. She gave an "it's about time" look and turned to me. She told me, "It won't be long now, I can't find a blood pressure." These words were both heart-breaking and exciting. But still, like before, all we could do was sit and wait.
I had settled down to attempt to work on school work. My wonderful sister had let me borrow her laptop so I could get some work done. Being a college student at this point was very difficult. I did not want to think of anything but my dad. This was not a problem for long. About ten to fifteen minutes after I began working on my school, my dad started going into some sort of a seizure. I will never forget this, yet I cannot explain it either. I had seen people have seizures before, but somehow this was different. We gathered around his bed and held his hands. It was at this point, in God's perfect timing, that my husband and my daughter walked into the room. I could not go to them, I was not going to leave my dad's side, but I was so glad to have them there with me. Dad's breathes became very far apart. At first it was three seconds between each breath. Eventually it became farther and farther apart. I remembered his Hospice nurse telling us certain numbers that it could reach between each breath, so I started counting. Finally, after a deep breath and then blowing out a breath, the counting got longer and longer. I made it to twenty and still no next breath. I looked at my dad, then I looked at my sister. She mouthed the words "Is he gone?" I simply shook my head. The nurses came in and checked and said "He's gone."
I have never in my life been so heart-broken and so relieved. My world just changed forever. I no longer had my dad here on earth. I spent many years having him here and not speaking to him, but now that option to just call him up one day was gone. But thanks to God there is good in even death. My dad's earthly story was over, but his eternal life had just began! He was no longer in pain. He doesn't have to worry about pain or struggles any more. Difficult people are no longer a concern for him. He just gets to dance in Heaven with Jesus and all of those whom he loved that had gone before. Death for the human is hard. It is scary, painful and just seems wrong with our finite minds. But death for the Christian is amazing! I miss my daddy so much. So may days I have picked up the phone to call him. I think of him daily and miss him. I see his eyes in my children. I remember things that we did together and ask Jesus to tell my daddy hi for me. I will never see him again while on this earth. Yet I have hope and peace about his passing because I know that he is happy and at peace. I praise God for that, for the peace only comes from God. As I sit today and remember that day, 365 days ago, I miss my daddy, but I Praise God that I can be excited to see him again one day.
That day will come for me eventually, and I will say goodbye to my husband and my children and all of my loved ones. Hopefully they will read this and remember that it is ok. For once my time is gone here on this earth, I will join my dad and other loved ones in being in the precious of the mighty God who saved us and who raised us and brought us to His eternal home to worship Him for eternity. Bye daddy, I love you and miss you so much. I'm so sorry for all the times I didn't do what I should. But I can't wait to see you again one day. But even in my heartache, I can only say one thing. Thank You Lord and I praise You for the hope and peace that can only come from You!
As we sat in that little room, preparing for the inevitable, I watched as many friends and loved ones came. They walked in to say their goodbyes to dad and to give their condolences to us. Precious time was spent with many loved ones that I hadn't seen in many, many years. In a way, it was a good time to be able to visit with them and talk about old times. I know that if my dad had his wits about him, he would have enjoyed it immensely and sat talking and laughing with us. To those precious people, you know who you are, I would like to say thank you so very much. I will cherish those memories for the rest of my days.
Then things began to happen. Suddenly, my dad had his eyes open! But it was obvious that he was not in our world. His eyes, though vacant before, had a different look to them now. He was not looking at us, but clearly was looking at something amazing! There was nothing but joy on his face and he kept them straight ahead, only looking up to the ceiling. He smiled, constantly! We watched in awe as my dad tried to lift his body upward toward the ceiling. Not in a way, however, that any of us would lift our bodies to get up; no this was different, it was unexplainable and amazing. His eyes shone and his face had nothing but peace and joy surrounding it! There are no words that can describe to joy of this night! I not only believe, but have no doubts that my dad was seeing Jesus, Momaw and Popaw (his parents) and so many others who had already gone before him. They were standing at the gates of eternity telling him "Come, your time on earth is done. There are so many wonderful things awaiting you here!" No one will ever convince me otherwise and I cannot wait to experience that for myself!!
After this wonderful experience, other spiritual things happened. My dad had slipped back into his deep sleep as his body continued to complete the shut down process. We watched a spiritual battle take place at this point. I will not go into many details on this, though I feel as if I could write an entire book on it. I feel that, at this point, it should stay in my mind alone. I am not sure why I feel this way, but I will obey the conviction. I will, however say that it did happen. I could almost see, and I could certainly feel the angels and the demons fighting over our peace in that room that night. It was scary and (maybe because I'm just a little crazy!) exciting in a way too. I knew that there were spirits fighting over my dad and for our peace, but I also knew that the battle had already been won! My dad's soul was going to Heaven, there was no changing that. I would have peace about it because I was sure of this and understood that dad was going to be better off. The spiritual battle was won and we just had to wait. I get excited thinking about it and it gives me such peace to continue on with the hurt and struggles that I have to continue on with as I complete my days on earth.
Everything was complete now. The spiritual battle had taken place, my dad had gotten his, quite obviously, dramatic invitation to complete his journey and enter Heaven. We had all said our goodbyes and my dad was just ready to be done with the pain that is associated with this life. So at some point in the afternoon (I think it was, time had no meaning to me during these days, all that mattered was being the for and with my dad.) the nurse came in to check my dad's vital signs. She gave an "it's about time" look and turned to me. She told me, "It won't be long now, I can't find a blood pressure." These words were both heart-breaking and exciting. But still, like before, all we could do was sit and wait.
I had settled down to attempt to work on school work. My wonderful sister had let me borrow her laptop so I could get some work done. Being a college student at this point was very difficult. I did not want to think of anything but my dad. This was not a problem for long. About ten to fifteen minutes after I began working on my school, my dad started going into some sort of a seizure. I will never forget this, yet I cannot explain it either. I had seen people have seizures before, but somehow this was different. We gathered around his bed and held his hands. It was at this point, in God's perfect timing, that my husband and my daughter walked into the room. I could not go to them, I was not going to leave my dad's side, but I was so glad to have them there with me. Dad's breathes became very far apart. At first it was three seconds between each breath. Eventually it became farther and farther apart. I remembered his Hospice nurse telling us certain numbers that it could reach between each breath, so I started counting. Finally, after a deep breath and then blowing out a breath, the counting got longer and longer. I made it to twenty and still no next breath. I looked at my dad, then I looked at my sister. She mouthed the words "Is he gone?" I simply shook my head. The nurses came in and checked and said "He's gone."
I have never in my life been so heart-broken and so relieved. My world just changed forever. I no longer had my dad here on earth. I spent many years having him here and not speaking to him, but now that option to just call him up one day was gone. But thanks to God there is good in even death. My dad's earthly story was over, but his eternal life had just began! He was no longer in pain. He doesn't have to worry about pain or struggles any more. Difficult people are no longer a concern for him. He just gets to dance in Heaven with Jesus and all of those whom he loved that had gone before. Death for the human is hard. It is scary, painful and just seems wrong with our finite minds. But death for the Christian is amazing! I miss my daddy so much. So may days I have picked up the phone to call him. I think of him daily and miss him. I see his eyes in my children. I remember things that we did together and ask Jesus to tell my daddy hi for me. I will never see him again while on this earth. Yet I have hope and peace about his passing because I know that he is happy and at peace. I praise God for that, for the peace only comes from God. As I sit today and remember that day, 365 days ago, I miss my daddy, but I Praise God that I can be excited to see him again one day.
That day will come for me eventually, and I will say goodbye to my husband and my children and all of my loved ones. Hopefully they will read this and remember that it is ok. For once my time is gone here on this earth, I will join my dad and other loved ones in being in the precious of the mighty God who saved us and who raised us and brought us to His eternal home to worship Him for eternity. Bye daddy, I love you and miss you so much. I'm so sorry for all the times I didn't do what I should. But I can't wait to see you again one day. But even in my heartache, I can only say one thing. Thank You Lord and I praise You for the hope and peace that can only come from You!
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