When describing children, "step" is not a word that I like to use. It is the word that our society has chosen to describe a child who belong to your spouse but not you. Personally, I do not think that this is a fair term. I think that using the term step makes the person, whether it be the step-child or the step-parent seem like they are less than. I think that it is important that we stop drawing these lines and making people, children and parents alike, feel less than.
When it comes to these "step" situations, I have been on all sides. I have had step-parents which obviously also makes me a step-child. I also married a man who had kids from a previous marriage making me a step-mom, and my husband became "step" dad (and eventually adoptive dad) to my son. There is not one side of this situation that I have not personally been on and I can tell you with complete honesty that drawing these lines and making anyone feel less than or different is wrong.
As a child, whenever I was called the step-daughter I would cringe. I knew that I was not good enough and that I could not compare to my step-mom's daughter. I was just the baggage that came along with my step-mom's new husband. Somehow, we all knew that there was some weird imaginary line that divided us all with-in our home. We could never be a family because my brother and I were never looked on as true members of the family rather than that annoying kids that had no other choice but to be there.
I remember when I married my husband a family member asked me "Are you sure that you want to do this?" She wasn't asking if I wanted to marry this man, but if I was positive that I wanted to get involved in a step-parent situation because she knew how bad it could be. I told her I absolutely was sure that I wanted to. I was excited that not only was I getting a husband but that I was inheriting two daughters as well. I never wanted to take anything away from their mom, but I was happy to call them my daughters and excited for our new family. For me, the division line was never there because I knew how painful that invisible line could be. My husband did the same for my son. From the second we met, my husband was daddy to my son. We never considered him step-dad, in fact this is the first time (nineteen years later) that term has ever been used to explain their relationship. He was daddy and as soon as we could afford it, we made that legal. We had what people would call a miss-matched family to begin with but it was our intention to blend us all into a beautiful family; his, mine and ours all together. That was the cry of my heart then and it still is today.
Being a step-parent has also had it's affect on me. There have been times when I have felt like I did not belong in my own home or even with my own husband because I was only the "step" parent. I was less than. Obviously, part of this is because of my upbringing and my unhealthy self-image and struggles with my own worthiness. However, it was also in part because those lines have been drawn and the typical "step" situation is one that causes division.
I have never understood why when people get married, all other family members become immediate family; cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews, but kids; for some reason they have to have a separate title. No one needs to feel accepted more than those kids. They have already had their lives ripped apart by the parents separating. They are confused by mommy or daddy being with someone else. Maybe there's even other kids joining their families and sharing their living spaces with. Everything in their lives is confusing and hurtful. Why would we not just love on these kids and take the chance to tell and show them how special they are instead of simply calling them the "steps".
I should explain that I do understand the other side of this as well. I am a mother and I know the fear and resentment of having to share your child with someone that you are not with. However, it is not the child's fault, neither is it the fault of the new spouse. If your ex has a new mate and he or she is a good person then let them be a part of your children's lives. It can only be good if a child has many people that love them. You cannot stop them from spending time with the kids, so why try and make it miserable?
Additionally, if you marry someone that has kids, then you are a new parent; period. You have new children, not dirty rotten step kids. Love them like your own. Treat them like your own. You will be filled with joy that children bring. Yes, there will be problems, any relationship has that, but it will all be worth it in the end.
I think it is important that we as a society stop drawing these lines. Parents need to work together for the good of their kids, even if they no longer like each other. Stop thinking of yourselves and think of your kids and their happiness. Please stop making your kids and the new parents feel like they are not worthy. It is causing nothing but hurt and destruction. Truly, in this circumstance, love is all we need.
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