A New Life

Twenty-one years and nine months ago I was a young, free spirit. I could attempt to make that sound like a beautiful thing, but a better way of describing me would be dumb, selfish and irresponsible. I made a lot of mistakes. I lived for myself and didn't think too much about anything outside of my own little bubble and what I had going on at the moment.

I was 22 years old and while my family loved me, I'm sure that I was quite a disappointment to them in many of my lifestyle choices. Some have told me that they were certain that I would never grow up and take responsibility for my life. I really didn't care. I considered myself responsible and thought that I had it all together because I had a job and my own place and took care of myself. Then something happened to show me just how little grown up I actually was.

Somewhere around late May, early June of that year, 1996, I found out that I was pregnant. My world was going to change. My selfish days were over. My partying days were over. I was just going to be a mommy, and I was perfectly ok with that. I was later told by some family members that they were sure that I would not even so much as be able to wake up with the baby for the late night feedings. Had I not changed, they may have been right.

But I did change. I wasn't yet a Christian, but I can look back and be one hundred percent positive that God used that little baby to completely change my world. It feels like just yesterday that I was leaving my aunts house that night to go to the hospital, prepared for a long night of labor, although I had no clue what that meant or the pain that I would suffer bringing my precious baby boy into the world. I can still see his precious little newborn face staring up at me; so handsome, so frail, so wonderful.

This little man of mine taught me how to love. He taught me how to care for others and how I needed to care for myself so that I could be there for him He was the first to teach me about unconditional love. He was the first to show me an unbreakable bond. We spent a lot of time in your first year with just you and me. No one else around and just growing together as new mother and son. You will always hold a special part of my heart because you taught me how to be a mom. Because of you, God allowed me to have a new life.

We have had many ups and downs in the last twenty-one years, but through it all, you have grown to be an amazing young man. So talented, so caring and thoughtful, such a wonderful, beautiful soul. I am so proud of my baby boy. Though you will always be my baby boy, your time as a child is over. You are starting your own life and have already done so much better than I did when I was your age. I am proud to be your mom. I love you so much more than you'll ever even know. But I hope that you always know that no matter where you go in life, I will always love you more than anything. I will always be here for you. I will always have your back.

I love you so much baby boy. I hope you have an amazing birthday!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!   

My Dad's Last Days

Four years ago today I was at our church preparing for another busy Upward (basketball) Saturday. Snow was coming down in buckets and while the picture outside the window was beautiful, it proved to be very dangerous for driving. Because of that, Upward was cancelled for the day. Being the ones in charge of getting the church prepared for the day, my family and I were already at the church when the decision was made to cancel so we decided to close everything back up and make the trek home.

I remember thinking that it may be a peaceful, quiet day because we couldn't go anywhere thanks to the weather. I was happy for the change in pace and looked forward to getting caught up on things at home and playing games with my kids. As we know too well, it only takes one second for a persons whole life to change. That second happened on this Saturday for me.

My dad, who lived in my hometown which was three hours away from where I live had been in Hospice care for about three years. He had been up and down health-wise. There had been many times when I would get the call to hurry down to be at his side, so I was used to that at this point. But when this call came in, I knew it would be the last. Hospice had agreed. It was time to call the family in. My dad's health had declined and he had not been alert. He had been moved a few days before from the Hospice inpatient house to a local nursing home. The nurse, an old family friend, knew that his time was now very short.

I spent that Saturday feeling heart-broken and stuck. My dad was on his deathbed and could breathe his last breath at any moment and I was stuck in central Ohio. There was absolutely no way to make the trip to southern Ohio to be by his side. There was nothing that I could do. Nothing, but to pray. I cried many tears that day and prayed that God would let him hold on just until I could get there.

The weather broke throughout the day and praise God, the next morning I was able to make the trip to be by my daddy's side. Walking into my dad's room I felt so peaceful. His body was there, but it did not take long to realize that, while he was still breathing, his soul had already begun departing.

Dad slept, of course. Though he would "wake up" periodically, he really wasn't awake. It was just a matter of time, as his body had already begun the process of shutting down. While this was a sad thing for my family and me, it was joyous for him. We could even see it in his face. His body lay in that bed, but his mind, we could tell, was seeing Jesus.

I spent two nights in that little room with so many questions racing through my mind. During those two days, I also enjoyed precious time with some family and family friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. It was so good to spend time with them, I still to this day cherish that time. I remember talking with my husband, who was still at our home asking what I should do. We still had things that needed done at home, kids to get through school. We knew that his time was short, but it could have been minutes or a week. I didn't know if I should go home, get things organized, get more clothes and come back, or if I should stay. My husband, being his typical wonderful self, assured me that I needed to be there and that things would be ok at home. So I went to Walmart to buy some clean clothes to wear and decided to stay.

That next morning, Wednesday, my husband called and asked if I wanted him to come down. I told him that it was up to him. He said that he felt like he should be there to hold my hand, as I held my dad's hand. He gave all our kids the option to go and my daughter chose to come along as well. She would text me to update the progress of the trip. About the time that I knew they were almost there, we started to notice some differences in how my dad was. We were watching, but trying to stay calm as well. Some guests had just left and I sat down in the chair at the foot of my dad's bed. I was in college and wanted to try and get some of my work done. Almost as soon as I opened up my coursework, something started happening. My dad started shaking, almost as if he was having some sort of a seizure.

The shaking did not last too awful long and dad's body relaxed. Somehow, we all knew that the time we had been dreading for years had finally come. Just at that moment, my husband and daughter walked in the room. It was as if he was holding on for them to get there. I watched as hid chest would rise and fall; each breath a little more different and further apart. Someone had told me that when it got to this point we should count between breathes, so I did. 5... 10... 20... The nothing.

I will never forget my dad's last breath. I have never felt so sad and relieved at the same time. I was heart-broken that my daddy was gone, but so happy for him because I knew he was now in Heaven. I knew that the second he took that last breath he was in the arms of Jesus. He was vising with his mom and dad, his brother. He was no longer in pain. He was no longer sad. He was no longer worried. He was nothing but peaceful and happy. To this day, that understanding helps me deal with the pain and sadness of his departure.

Even though I will always have that peace, I will also always miss my daddy. I spent way too many years upset with him and not talking to him. I can never get those years back. But I know that at the end, we had a great relationship. I praise God that I got to hold his hand as he entered eternity. I know that he wanted me there.

Until I join you, I love you and miss you daddy.
Larry Bussa
1/1/47 - 1/29/14

Stand for the Kids

I have heard recently about bullying that is happening at our local schools. My message here is short and simple. This is NOT acceptable. It is the responsibility of the ENTIRE community to put a stop to this as soon as possible. Bullying is a problem within the community so the people of said community need to step up and deal with the problem together.

First my message is to the bully and the parents of said bully. The chances are, you are bullying someone else because you are hurt or struggling with something yourself. Please don't take it out on others. There is help, seek it and find ways to love yourself and others. For the parents, please understand that your precious little angels are human; they make mistakes, they are not perfect. Call them out on their downfalls. You are not helping them by allowing them to be thugs.

To the parents of the kids that are being bullied; continue to love, support and listen to your children. They are hurting. They probably will try to hide their feelings as they believe the lies instead of the truth about who they really are. The best things that you can do for them is love them and do your best to keep the lines of communication open. Check their phones and social media accounts. Yes, kids should have privacy, but this is where these problems exist and it is vital to be aware.

Friends of the kids being picked on, please stand up for them. Yes, you will probably be picked on as well, but isn't your friend worth it? Once everyone stands together, the problems stop. Listen to your friends, show them you love them, and show the bullies that you will not allow your friends to be picked on. Show them that you will be their strength when they cannot carry themselves. One day, you will need them to carry you.

Teachers and school officials, I realize that you are busy, but this MUST be in the forefront. Kids are DYING from this epidemic! Children are telling each other to kill themselves and they are listening. Nothing can be more important than this; lives are at stake! Use your education and your skills and find ways to listen to these kids. Watch as you go throughout the day and see which kids are all the sudden sitting by themselves or acting out of character. Parents are trusting you with their most precious possessions, it is not just a job that you hold, it is life! Please don't let the parents down.

Finally, for the community, whether you have kids in a particular school or not, this is your problem. Take a stand. Reach out to parents that you see struggling. Reach out to kids that you know. We have become a society that stays in our own little bubbles and no longer accepts other people. Be friendly. Be helpful. Be aware. It just might make us all a little more happy.

New Year Statements

"New year, new you!"

"Hoping 2018 is better than 2017"

"Here's to a new year, let's make it better than the last!"

We all hear them every year (or see them on social media). They begin around mid-December and end at the beginning of January. The message is always the same no matter how it is worded, the previous year was bad, hopefully the upcoming year will be better. If you wouldn't mind giving me a few minutes of your precious time, maybe I could give you a fresh outlook on this old as time saying.

There is a hint to what I am trying to get at in the last statement that I listed at the beginning. "Here's to a new year, let's make it better than the last!" Making it better is exactly what will make it better. A year, a week, a minute, any point of time is going to be accompanied by good and bad. It all lies in what you make of it.

Let's use this scenario as an example, let's say I walk into a room and there are ten people in this room. Four of the people in this room are my best friends, three of them are people I do not like and the remaining three are people that I have never met. I have a choice as to where to keep my focus. Do I enjoy the time with my best friends, spend my time in this room in bitterness because of the people that I do not like, or allow myself to feel displaced because I do not know three of the people? There are other possibilities as well (like meeting the new people, or finding ways to like the ones that I do not like) but for this example, I would like to stick with these three options.

Most people would consider this scenario and say that they would obviously enjoy the time with their best friends. However, that is not the outlook that most of us have when it comes to other things. It is the same as the old "glass is half full" saying. A room has our best friends in it, we will choice to enjoy ourselves and our time with our friends. However, a year is full of friends as well. Sure there are people that we don't like that we have to deal with, as well as people that we don't know. A year (or any amount of time, but since we are discussing the new year statements, I'll stick with that span of time for now) is full of hardships, but it is also full of good times.

The answer to this age-old sentiment is in the perspective of the one who asks it. How do you make the new year better than the last? By focusing on the good. Work through your hard times, allow them to help you grow, then move on and find some good in it. There is always good to be found in any situation; sometimes it just takes a little work to find it. However, once you have learned this trick, you will have found the key to peace and happiness.

Instead of considering the bad from the year 2017, look back and ponder on the good things that came from the year. If you must look at the bad things, consider how you can learn from them so that they won't cause you any more harm. I know that this is much easier said than done, but the peace that it brings is very much worth the effort that it will take.

I have lived a life of hardship and at one time in my life was a very bitter person. I know very personally how hard this is, but I know how wonderful it is in the end as well.

Life is full of hard times and bad things. But focusing on that bad makes life even worse. Focus on the good. Let the light outshine the darkness. Spend the entire year doing that and see if your words might be different next December 31st.

Determination

I spent a lot of years feeling defeated. I was depressed, I felt lonely even though I had a large family around me always, I was over-weight and I felt that there was nothing that I could do to change any of this. No matter what I tried, I couldn't get myself out of this funk and I couldn't lose this weight that had attached itself to me. I didn't realize that no matter what I tried, there was one thing that I needed that no one else could give me.

I went to my doctor at the beginning of all of this and was put on anti-depressants. Being the kind of person who doesn't really like pills, I only took them for a few months then gave up. I still "felt" different. The pills didn't take it all away from me and I wasn't feeling better immediately. I thought that surely something was just wrong with me that even the pills couldn't help me. "Must just be in my make up" I thought. The right pill hadn't come along so there was something wrong with me. Little did I know that I actually was right, but in a different way. It was me. It was something that I was "doing" wrong, but not in the way that I was thinking.

The same thing that had happened to me with the depression happened with the weight loss. I Just kept gaining and couldn't lose the weight. As a teenager, I was skinny naturally. Of course I thought I was fat, but in reality I can see now that I was pretty thin. So weight loss was something I just didn't know. I ate whatever I wanted and expected it to just stay off. That doesn't happen when you age. Especially when there are health problems that cause more problems.

When my doctor retired, my family had to find a new doctor. As we went for the new patient intake, my doctor said the words that I had been dreading. "Mrs. Loughman, you are overweight." UGH!!! I was so embarrassed! I gave her the typical excuses that I had been touting. It was a medical issue. Nothing I did could take the weight off. All of this was true, to a point so I had no problem saying them. But I still didn't understand that I was still lacking something else.

The doctor gave me yet another pill. This was going to be my salvation. It was going to return me to my teenaged body and make me skinny again! I am not a pill taking person, but I gladly accepted this one and started taking it. Imagine my surprise when the fat didn't start melting away. I thought "Maybe it will just take some time." So I decided to give it a few months. Eventually, I started exercising, just a little bit. I would walk for short periods of time but still ate whatever I wanted. You guessed it, not much changed.

Then one day, a friend challenged me to join in a weight-loss effort with her. She gave me some tools to help me be a little more dedicated. I began trying really hard. I wasn't just exercising every once in a while, I wasn't still eating like a pig and expecting to wake up the next morning skinny as a rail. I put my mind and my energy to making it happen. Can you imagine what happened?

Now it is months later and I have lost thirty pounds. I have given myself a goal and still have twenty more pounds to go, but I am over half-way there! I feel good about myself and people compliment me on the success. In addition to the weight loss, I have been working hard to dealing with the depression.

What changed in me? The pills had an effect, but didn't get the job done. The same thing with the exercising and dieting. These things are very important, but the change in me didn't happen until I had the desire. I had determination. I decided somewhere deep in my soul that I was going to do the work to get this done.

As some people have been reading this, they may be thinking "Well... duh!" but let's think a little deeper on this. We live in a  world where we expect everything quick and easy. The healthcare industry is all too happy to give us a pill to help with anything that we need. But now, we have a whole group of people who think that they are extra damaged because the pills aren't helping them.

Now, please don't get me wrong. I am NOT saying that people shouldn't take pills. I have some that I take daily and they are important. What I am saying is that we can't expect things to change by just taking a pill. We have to want the change from within ourselves. We have to be determined and understand that anything good requires some work. Life is not easy and things don't just fall out of the sky in reality except for snow and rain. Even then, it makes a mess. So why would we expect any less for our lives?

I was thinking about this as I was doing some morning work-out. I was sore. I was tired. I was hungry. I wanted to stop, or at least slow down. But I didn't. The reason I kept going was because I want this change. I want to lose these last twenty pounds. I want it bad enough to put the effort in to making it happen. I was thinking about how much time I wasted just trying to make things happen by just giving a little bit of effort. Maybe if I had actually tried, I would have already met my goal. But pressing forward, I will not give up.

When I do meet my goal, I will not slow down. In this journey to lose weight, I have changed my way of life. I have become determined to be happy. Notice I didn't say skinny. I have learned that it's not the "skinny" that matters. It's the health and happiness.

This isn't just a message for me. This is a message for life.  It doesn't matter if the problem is weight loss and depression like it is for me, or drug addiction, or anything other problem. As I said before, there may be professional help needed and that is important to get, but nothing will change, no matter how much money you spend or how many pills you take. No change is going to happen until you get it in your own mind that you are going to do the work that it will take to get it done.

Do you want a change to happen? Be willing. Be determined. Work hard. Then be ready to enjoy success!!

The Journey: A Story of Grace and Forgiveness

Let me introduce you to my son, Joshua Daniel. Joshua was a precious little boy and although he was my son, I never got the pleasure of actually meeting him. Joshua died when I was 17 weeks pregnant with him. This is the only picture that I have of this sweet boy.




If Joshua had lived, he would be 19 years old right now. He would be graduated from high school. There are so many questions that wander through my mind concerning my son. Would he have gone to college? Would he have a steady girlfriend? What would he have looked like? Would he have been athletic or musical like his siblings? So many things that I will always wonder about. I will never have the answers to these questions.

In His Word, God has the answers to all of life's questions. Romans 8:28 tells us "We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose. " (Holman Christian Standard Version). This verse has proven true both in my life and Joshua's death. Though I miss my son terribly, God has shown me life through Joshua's death. It was his death that brought me to the realization of my need for Christ. After my salvation, God used Joshua's death to show me more about His grace and forgiveness.

I went through a lot in dealing with the death of my son. There was a lot of guilt and shame, a lot of self-punishment. There were things that I was struggling with that I didn't even realize were due to Joshua's death. Through time and the help of friends, God carried me through and healed me from all of the struggled surrounding the death of my precious Joshua.

In addition to healing me, God has allowed me to help others find healing through him that are dealing with the loss of their children. He has allowed me to work one-on-one with many women and help them find healing. He has allowed me to talk to groups and my story and show them the need for post-abortion care. But God has also allowed me to write a book to assist in healing as well. I praise Him for this opportunity.

My book, The Journey, takes place where life left off. Joshua journeys to Heaven where he meets Jesus, family members who had gone on before and some Biblical saints as well. The first half of my books takes the reader through what I imagine Joshua experienced when he entered Glory. This part if fictional, obviously, but it is based on my belief and my hope for his eternal life.

The second half of The Journey is titled "Mommy's Journey" and chronicles my struggles with his death. Most of this second part of the book is true and is my own personal testimony written in story form. Some is made up and is what I wish to happen in the future.

Writing this book was so helpful to me. I truly consider The Journey a blessing straight from God and believe that Joshua would be very happy with it as well. However, this book is not just for me. It is meant to help women and men who struggle with the pain they suffer from being post-abortive. I have been blessed with hearing from others that it not only has helped people who struggle with a past abortion, but also past miscarriages as well.

I pray that The Journey continues to help men and women. I pray that people can find the amazing healing that only God can offer through reading my story. I also pray that women can see my struggles and understand that abortion is more than a choice but instead is a life-altering event that leaves a child dead and a mother (and father!) with feelings of guilt, shame and emptiness.

You can find a copy of The Journey here or I have copies on hand as well if you are interested in purchasing the book. If you have read The Journey and were blessed by it, please help me get the word out by writing a review and sharing this post. I do not want this shared for my benefit, but for the benefit of those struggling with this unimaginable pain. It is my heart's desire to help these men and women. There is hope. There is healing. There is still life.

Depression: The Uncontrolable Monster Deep Within

Though I live my life as an open book for the most part, there are things that not a lot of people know about me. I have lived the majority of my life with something deep inside me that I could not explain. Something that I did not even understand myself. Something that I have never been able to control and always hated about myself. Some unknown, uncontrollable, in-named monster his deep inside my soul and reared it's ugly head whenever it wanted to. I had now way to fight it. It scared me terribly!

When I was a little girl, I just thought that I was sad all of the time because of my circumstances. That is partly true, so it was easy to believe. I didn't have a very happy childhood and I did not have a lot of friends so when this uncontrollable sadness would well up from deep within I didn't question it. I didn't know what to do about it, but I figured it was just a part of life.

My teen years weren't much better. I moved to a different town and created an entirely new life. I said I wasn't going to allow myself to be that sad little girl anymore. I made friends and people liked me. I hadn't yet learned how to like myself but I was ok with accepting that other people liked me. I was comfortable with the friends that I had made. However, even with friends and a new life, this monster would still rear it's ugly head from deep within me. I had no control over it and no ways to fight it. It had no rhyme or reason as to when it would appear. I would be completely happy then all of the sudden I was so sad I couldn't deal with life.  I would get so frustrated because I knew my friends were getting irritated with me. This was when I get good at hiding my feelings and stuffing them deep down. I couldn't let people know how sad I was. The only problem was, I wasn't as good at hiding my feelings as I thought. I could see it in my best-friends face. I heard her say at times "she's in a 'mood' again." I felt so bad. I wanted so bad to find out what was wrong with me and fix it. Many, many times I felt like I should just end my life and be done with it all. There were times when I would prepare all the tools needed to do such a thing and go for it. But something (I know now that something was God) always stopped me.

Moving on to my early twenties, I had become wild. I was now legally able to drink the whiskey that I had come to love and decided that the whiskey would be my relief. I'm not even sure wild completely describes how I was. But during those years, I learned something very important. Not even whiskey was stronger than this monster known as depression. In fact, it seemed to make the monster grow. It seemed I was now in a constant state of depression. In my younger years, I had been able to at least be happy every once in a while, but now I was so sad all of the time. Even when things were going good I had to fight this hopeless feeling that was not only in my head, but was coming from somewhere deep inside me. There was no description or explaining it. It was this big, fat, hairy, ugly monster that I was no longer able to hide.

Things changed a lot for me towards the end of my twenties. I had a baby, became a Christian and got married. I remember thinking, "Surely these things will end this depression. Things are good, there is absolutely no reason to be depressed now!" Things did get better for a little while. But the peace didn't last. Of course, with my new-found life I was sure that this uncontrollable sadness was my own fault. How could I have so much and still not be happy? I was not dwelling on the past anymore and things were good for me. But I was still so sad at times. Just like before, this monster would come and go as it pleased and leave me dazed and confused, and emotionally spent. Clearly there was something wrong with me. This was all my fault and I just needed to deal with it and move on.

But for some reason, I could not move on. I was a very strong person, but I could not face this monster. It was a battle that I could not win. What was wrong with me? How could I be such a loser? I really began asking the age-old question, what was wrong with me? Not being able to answer this question just made me even more sad, hopeless and desperate. After all this time, surely I couldn't talk to anyone about this. It was just a problem with me. Why couldn't I be normal?

I am now in my early forties and I am beginning to realize that I am more normal than I have ever known. This un-named monster that I have never been able to control, it has a name and always had, I just never knew about it. I wish I had known my entire life that so many others were fighting this fight as well. I wish I had someone that would have understood that I could talk to. Even more, I wish I had known that I wasn't abnormal. That what I was fighting was a common thing to fight and that there is help.

I wish I had known that there are ways to fight this monster. When I first mentioned this to my doctor I remember him asking, "Does it feel like there is a big dark cloud over you that won't move?" I very quickly replied, "Oh doctor, that cloud is no longer over me. It has fallen and completely consumes me. I can no longer see outside of this cloud." He told me it was definitely time for medications. Much to my dismay, they really didn't help. I believe that each body is very different and takes a specialized treatment plan. For me, honesty has proven to be a big help. I've told people instead of stuffing it deep down and hiding it. I let my husband know when I am struggling and I ask for help and prayer. I spend a lot of time in prayer about this issue. God carries me, that I am completely sure of. Essential oils have proven to be a major help to me as well.

I still struggle with depression. I believe that I always will. But I am no longer hopeless. I now know that depression is no different than a bad heart or any other medical problem. The important thing is knowing how to battle the monster. Also understanding that I am not alone.

I hope that my story will help others. I hope someone who is feeling sad, lonely and helpless is reading this and thinks "Wow, maybe I am going to be ok!" Let me tell you that you can be! There is help. There is hope.You are not alone. Seek the help and you will find it. If you need help, let me know and I will gladly help you. Don't allow the monster to control you any longer.