Numb

I am the type of person that holds everything in. I am the strength for everyone else, so I never let out my burdens because that would mean needing strength from someone else. Deep down I wish that I could let it all go to someone, but usually it's more of just exploding every once in a while. I  guess this is safe to let it out here because I'm pretty sure that no one even reads my blog anyways. If you are reading this, please feel free to comment and let me know. I would love to know that someone actually does read this :)
I haven't been able to post for a while, but I really would like to start posting daily. I have been extremely busy lately. On top of my every day craziness, I have been driving back and forth to help take care of my dad and my grandpa (who I will from now on refer to as Popaw, because that is what I have always called him) who were both dying. I had the pleasure of getting to go see him last Friday. Things worked out just perfectly for me to make the trip, so I did. I am certain that this was a gift from God. He passed away early the next morning. This past week has been a heart-wrenching journey.
It has been wonderful being able to see family members that I haven't seen in a very long time. I have missed them all greatly and was very happy to be able to see them and catch up a little. My kids had never even met two of my cousins who I consider my little brothers because I lived with them during my teenage years. I love them so much and they mean the world to me but the live in Alabama and I live in Ohio and we just don't get to see each other anymore. So that part was nice.
But Popaw's funeral, ugh! This man was my hero. I always considered him more of a father figure than a grandpa. I just plain adored him, as did anyone else who ever met the man! He was truly an wonderful man. I know that he was in pain and is now in Heaven and I praise God for that and cannot wait to see him again one day. But selfishly, I am sad. I miss him.
I thought that I would be ok with this because he was in so much pain, but I am taking it even harder than I expected. I just can't seem to get back into life.
I guess there will need to be a part two to this, as with anything else, life calls, it is time to go to a ball game...

Slippery Slope

Falling, falling, falling.
It seems that the last few weeks, for some reason, my emotions are just falling into depths unknown. There is no reason for this. Nothing bad has happened. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just typical, busy, crazy life.
So what is wrong with me? I have no idea. All of the sudden, back from wherever I buried it before, I'm crying at the drop of the hat.
...A stupid commercial comes on tv, tears.
...I don't get dinner done in time, tears.
...Oversleep because I'm so exhausted I can't get up anymore, tears.
...Look in the mirror, flood of tears!
I thought that I had this beat. I guess some would call it depression and tell me to take a pill every day. Some might tell me that I'm not right with God. Others will tell me that I need to do this or that. They probably would all be right.
But I've been down this road many times before. I don't understand why I keep coming back to this place. I don't feel like I belong, don't feel like anyone even cares, like why should I even matter. I know this is all wrong. I know that I'm a child of The King, yet I can't escape this pit. I just want to scream, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?"
I'm just tired. I just don't have the energy to fight this anymore. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling helpless and alone. I'm tired of fighting, why bother when it just keeps coming back?! I don't understand this. But nothing that I can do. Guess I'm meant to just be sad. All I can do is make sure that I don't bring my loved ones down with me. Here comes the front. The hard outer shell that has been a part of me all of my life. It's fake and I can't stand it, but maybe it's the only way?

Children and Christmas

I've already discussed my family tradition that has been going strong for over 30 years, but I'd like to add a "younger" tradition that has been added to my family. My children have made their own tradition to carry on, which I think is just absolutely precious! I think that traditions are important, and apparently, I've passed that on to my kids and didn't even know it, priceless!
I'm not sure how many years this has gone on, like all good things, it started small and grew to what it is today, but it has been a good number of years. I believe it started with just some television viewing and giggling, to keep themselves from exploding from the excitement of the following morning. Another joy my children have taken from me, we love Christmas!!! It's not the getting, it's the giving. We love to see faces light up as someone opens a gift that was chosen specially for them. It is just so exciting to watch everyone open presents and being so happy and excited. One of my kids, I won't mention which one, literally shakes from the excitement! Christmas morning is just so precious!
The weeks before Christmas are filled with such excitement, as well. All the kids have either saved money, worked for money, or just wanting to "borrow" money because they just can't wait to buy gifts for all of their family. Of course, being such a big family, we don't have much money, so we're not talking extravagant gifts, we usually go to the Dollar Store or Big Lots, because it doesn't really matter the amount, its the idea. We always talk about why we give gifts, how the whole reason of Christmas is because God gave us the best gift of all, Jesus Christ! We give, in remembrance of what He has given us.
Christmas is the whole month of December for my family. The togetherness and the thoughtfulness are precious. However, Christmas Eve means the day is almost here! The kids can no longer take the excitement! So they developed a way to help them. That is where their new tradition starts.
They send themselves to bed early. (What parent can complain about that?) But, of course, they are not "really" going to bed. They all meet in one bedroom, and play games that they have been preparing just for this occasion. The bedroom is, of course, decorated for Christmas. This room has become a Christmas party room just as good as any professional could do; colorful lights, cut out snowflakes all around, and of course, a Christmas tree with gifts underneath. The gifts are for a gift exchange that will come a little later in the evening. After the games and the giggling. Any other night of the year, they are not allowed to take food or drinks in their bedrooms, but for this night, some snacks and water bottles are approved. The children are having so much fun that they almost forget that at any minute, Santa could be leaving gifts for them under our family tree. Almost.
When I go to bed on Christmas Eve, I can hear sweet little "hushes" and giggles in the room. The children pretending to be asleep, because, "mom doesn't know any better". I let them keep their deception. I thought I was getting away with everything when I was a kid, too. I try to get a few hours sleep because I know that at any minute they will be waking me up screaming, "Come on mom, we've waited long enough!!" Christmas morning has arrived!

This I Believe

An assignment in my class last week was to write an essay following This I Believe guidelines. I had never heard of it before, but This I Believe is a website (and books, and radio spots) that have people write essays about things that they believe. Apparently it started in the 50's where famous people would read their essays on the radio each week. Pretty cool!
I did my essay as a tribute to my brother, who died 8 years ago. Anyone who knows me knows that I was very close to him and have been devastated since his passing. It was a joy and an honor to write this for him. My professor liked it and suggested that I submit it to the This I Believe website, I just finished doing that. I cant wait to find out if they accept me or not. I'm soooo excited!!!
I decided to share the essay here, as well. So here is my essay, I hope you enjoy! And please feel free to comment, I would love to hear what you think!!

Boys are trouble.  They are mean and yucky.  But when you share the same parents they also become something special and wonderful.  You develop a bond that will never be understood by anyone who doesn’t share in it, a love that no one else can comprehend.  Sibling relationships are a precious gift of God, and no matter how much they may annoy you at times, one day their importance will become very clear.

My brother, Robb, was five years older than me, and much cooler than I was.  He was popular, outgoing and athletic; he seemed to have it all.  But of all the things that took his attention, he loved me the most.  I was just a baby compared to him, painfully shy and friendless. I thought very low of myself, but he thought the world of me and I could do no wrong in his eyes. 

I didn’t always make things easy for Robb.  I would brutally pick on him at times.  I would do things just to get him fired up, just to be a little troublemaker.  But he took it like it was just his job as my brother.  Through it all, I knew that no matter what I needed, all I had to do was call on him and he would be there, and there were many times that I did.  Whether it was to borrow money, or go talk to a boy that had been mean to me, he stood beside me.

As we grew older, we just grew closer and closer.  Robb was at my house so much that he basically lived with me for many years. I would get frustrated at times, but deep down in my heart; I just loved having him around.  We would play video games and stay up all night long talking. We shared a love for the same kind of music and had such fun listening to it together. Of course, we always had to have pizza and chips around, or run to whatever burger joint he might be craving at the moment.  He also loved being an uncle and spending time with my children.  He would always say that they, especially my oldest daughter, reminded him of me when I was younger.  

Robb was human and made his mistakes. I got mad at him more times than I could count.  But I knew he loved me; I just never realized how much I loved him until one day when it was too late.  One horrible Thursday in August, a day I will never forget, he died too young, just shy of his thirty-fifth birthday.  He’s been gone eight years now, and my life will never be the same.

Although I live a very full life, with many precious people in it, there will always be a hole in my heart.  It will never be whole again, because it was meant for just him.   I have many close relationships: my husband, my parents, my children, and, I adore them all. But they cannot be my brother.  I didn’t realize just how much he meant to me until he was gone, and now it’s too late.  All that I can do is to teach my children to appreciate their own siblings, to help them see how precious they really are to each other.  They may not see it now, but they really do love each other more than they themselves are able to understand.  I would give the world to have five more minutes with Robb.  I would absolutely love to give him a few more hugs and tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me.  Nothing is quite like that bond shared by siblings. I know from experience, a bond between siblings is so very precious.  This, I believe. 

Family Tradition

This is my favorite time of year. I absolutely love Christmas. I love the lights, the decorations, and the celebrations. I love giving gifts and seeing people's faces (especially my kids!!) when they open the gift that they were hoping for. I love to see their excitement! I love to celebrate that Jesus came to this earth to live and die here to save us from our sins! For so many reasons (except for the temperature! I hate being cold!) I absolutely love this time of year!

But, anyone who knows me knows that there's another reason that I love this time of year. My mom and her sisters started a tradition in our family when I was a little girl that I'm sure they never saw it going as far as it has. They would all meet at my mom's house and go shopping. Not a big deal, everybody does that, right? Well, every year it grew. They decided they were going to start wearing Christmas shirts. then they decided (as my mom is known as "sparkle sister") that they needed to glitter up the shirts. I'm not sure of all the different things that happened at the beginning, because I was not allowed to go. There were no men and no kids allowed. Since everyone met at my house, I would have to get up and get ready to go to school while they were getting ready to go shopping... KILLER!! I remember I used to beg my mom, asking if at least she could call me off school and my cousin could just come hang out with me at our house. Nope, no kids allowed! At least, not back then...

In due time, my cousin and I grew up. We were the first "non-sisters" allowed to come. I was 18 my first year. By that time, what was now known as the "Sister Shopping Trip", has become a huge deal. Everyone wears sweat pants (because we do A LOT of eating, and I mean A LOT!!), our shirts all match (with the same theme, it's a new theme every year) and we all wear a fanny pack. Now, let me make this very clear. I never liked the fanny pack!! Always kinda thought they were for "old people" and I was only 18 years old!! But I wore that thing proudly once a year. Never even considered it any other time of year, it was still goofy, but it was a part of this tradition that I fought so hard to join. We decorate the room at my mom's house called "the shopping trip room" to go along with whatever the theme for the year is. We bring gifts and we make up games to play, with prizes, of course. We all make certain foods to keep at my mom's house while we're there. Especially my mom's chex mix and my Aunt Barbie's butter cookies!! A must-have every year!

The day we meet, we all stay at mom's and eat and laugh, then we eat and laugh some more, and then... you guessed it, we eat and laugh some more. Then, we finally pass out and go to sleep and prepare our bodies for the next day. Then, let the shopping begin! We get up early and hit the town! Shop all day until the stores close, and then we visit the stores that are open 24 hours. When we just can't take any more, we go back to my mom's house and go to the Shopping Trip Room and play more games and eat more snacks. Finally, we go to bed and get ready to do it all over again the next day. By the final day, we are beyond exhausted. As much as we hate to, it's time for the fun to end and we pack up and head home. Let the countdown begin for next year!

Through the years, many "newbies" (or as we affectionately refer to them as "babies") have joined us. It started with sisters, grew to nieces, and now includes great-nieces. I was very proud to have my daughter join us last year for her first year, even though she is not yet 18. The new age, I guess, is 13. Normally, I would complain, seeing how such a big deal was made that I had to be 18 to attend, but I love having the babies with us. Oh, and everyone's first two years of the shopping trip they are "in training" which means they have to carry everyone's bags and get picked on a little bit too, hee hee. We tell them in training means that they have to buy everyone's lunch, but we don't really make them do that. But they do have to have "shopper in training" written on their shirts. It was a very proud moment for me last year, when we found my very first Shopping Trip shirt and my daughter wore it. We scraped my name off and added hers to it, and it already had her "in training status written on it so she was good to go!

Obviously, the Shopping Trip is about so much more than shopping. We were once a very close family, but now we all live spread apart. We don't get to see each other very often. I miss my family and love them very much. I hold this tradition very dear. Some people say it's great and some people just don't get it and say we're nuts. But I feel very lucky to be able to take part in such a great tradition. I wish everyone could have such an awesome thing to look forward to!

The Sisters, Founders of this great tradition!

This is the whole gang that went in 2008. 

Help Needed

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23.

This is a verse that we all know. We all use it to help someone out when they are struggling with a problem within themselves. But, we never seem to remember it for ourselves. This means I have fallen short. I sin. I blow it. I need help! These are very hard words for some, myself included. We think that if we ask for help, we are admitting weakness. Well, in a way, that's right, but not in the way that we tend to think. It is humanly impossible to not be weak. We all have fallen short of the glory of God. We all sin. We all need help. The help that we need is in Jesus Christ alone.

This is why I've decided to go to school for Biblical Counseling. I have struggled my whole entire life. I always told myself that I had to be strong. I didn't have time to cry. Couldn't allow myself to be weak. Then one day, I couldn't take it any longer. The person who never cried, was crying all the time. I couldn't handle life because I had pushed so many things down that there was no more room to push anything down. But this life is hard. Things kept coming and I had no where left to push them. Finally, I had to admit defeat. It was the most freeing thing ever! Someone was there for me to help me see that I needed God's help and nothing else was going to last. The only true healing has to come from Him. I still struggle. As I said, this life is hard. But He has healed the past hurts and when they return, I need to give them right back to Him and remind myself that He has already dealt with them and move on. Now I must move forward with this truth.

For we  know that God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

 I love that I am able to take my hurts and use them for someone else's benefit! All by the grace of God, this verse truly comes to life. It almost makes it worth it to have gone through such pain if it can help someone else out of their pain.  I want to help show people that He is there and wants to heal our pain. To take away our sadness. So many people ask "Why God" but the answer is so that we will come to Him. I want to help people go to Him. To show them that while the hurt is always going to be there, we can deal with it and move on. We don't have to stuff it down and try to forget it. While we can forget things for a while, they always come back up and it just makes things worse.

When I told someone that I was going back to college, they asked what I was going for. When I answered Biblical Counseling, she said "oh, is there a lot of job openings for that?" Funny thing is, I hadn't even thought of that. I know worldly scholars will tell you that you should choose a field that has a bunch of job openings, but it just never crossed my mind. I know that this is what God has called me to do. I know that He has blessed this journey. I know that He will take care of it from here. That's all I need to know. He is in control.

Time to Pray

Along with half of America, (according to the vote count), woke up disappointed this morning. But, as I told my kids, it is what it is. We have had a chance. We voted, and the one we chose didn't win. Actually, for me, it's more that the one we didn't want, won. But the election is over and it is now time to move on. 

As far as the president goes, he has been elected into that office. Also, for whatever reason, God has allowed it. So we must pray. I have to say, I haven't done a lot of praying for President Obama in the last 4 years. I've done some, but mostly I've complained. That is wrong on my part. We're not just supposed to pray for the ones we like, but how much more should we pray for the ones that we don't agree with? So I will pray for him, and his family. 

As for my country, these great United States of America. Well, we are no longer "united". We are very much divided and it has been rightly said "United we stand, divided we fall." If we continue in this division, we will fall. It's happening already. But complaining will do us no good. It only makes things worse and we cannot afford for things to get any worse. So I will pray for my country. I ask my brothers and sisters in Christ to join me in praying for our great nation. We, as a country, have strayed away from God because we, as Christians, have strayed away from God. How can we ask our country to turn back from God if we will not?  The Christian life is not about going to church to "feel good", then living every other second of our lives however we want. We have made our own gods, whether it be sports, tv, movies, other people, shopping, or just plain making ourselves gods. We worship so many things other than God. We put so much before Him. It's our fault. We must turn back to Him. Humble ourselves, admit that we've done wrong and live for Him once more. Look it up. God gave us His word and its all right there. Only when we turn our hearts fully back to God, will our country see what they've been missing and want a relationship with Him as well. 

Now for the comfort. We know where it comes from. In the midst of any trial or heartache. Whatever our issue is or how big it may be, there's always one comfort. That is our Heavenly Father. He is ultimately in control no matter what happens here on earth. We can have peace and joy through it all. Because no matter who lives in the White House in Washington, DC, our awesome God sits on The Throne in Heaven! He trumps all else. Nothing has power over Him, nothing! Praise Him for all He has done and all He will do. Praise Him because HE IS! He was, He is, and He always will be. What more can we ask for? 

The verses that gave me such peace this morning... 

Isaiah 44:6-8 

This is what the Lord says—

    Israel’s King and Redeemer, the Lord Almighty:
I am the first and I am the last;
    apart from me there is no God.
⁷ Who then is like me? Let him proclaim it.
    Let him declare and lay out before me
what has happened since I established my ancient people,
    and what is yet to come—
    yes, let them foretell what will come.
⁸ Do not tremble, do not be afraid.
    Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago?
You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me?
    No, there is no other Rock; I know not one.”