As I type this I sit in my home that I share with my husband and our six children. We have lived here for almost eleven years and have many memories of raising our precious little ones (who aren't quite so little anymore as much as I hate to admit it). We have had a lot of hardships and been through the ringer many times, but we made it through and I am very proud of my family.
Today marks one year since I graduated college. Me! Steph Loughman. The girl who barely graduated high school. Not only did I graduate college, but I did so with a 4.0 grade point average and was on the Dean's List every quarter. So many amazing things have happened since then, including God giving me a message and allowing me to write a book which will hopefully lead to a ministry for my husband and I.
It may seem that I am bragging on myself. Anyone who knows me knows that while I brag on my family often, bragging on myself rarely happens. Don't get me wrong, I am bragging, but not on myself. For the things that I have accomplished or been given I give all the glory to God. I could not have done any of these amazing things had it not been for Him. In fact, I could not have ever in my wildest dreams imagined most of these things!
Growing up I knew I wanted children, but I never could have imagined that I would have six amazing kids. It would have never crossed my mind that I would even be able to stay at home with them and homeschool them, but my awesome God made that possible. He allowed me to stay at home with them and raise them instead of sending them away to strangers. He let me serve in church and teach other kids all about His goodness. God let me marry an amazing man who would provide for us (which also comes from God) so that the kids and I could stay home together as they grew.
My God allowed me to go back to school after 20 years and helped me to do well. My dad and my brother were both writers, but who would have ever guessed that it would be me that would write and publish a book? Not me for sure! My God has done so many amazing things through me that sometimes it makes me dizzy thinking of how good He has been to me. I am not deserving of His goodness, yet He carries me through everything and keeps me provided for way beyond what I would be able to do. No, I am not bragging on myself at all, I am bragging on my amazing God. Words are not good enough to express how wonderful He is. I want to be sure that He gets all of the glory for everything that He has done in my life. Without Him I am nothing, but with Him, I can do all things. I am so in love with my awesome God!
Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us— to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Saturday, March 19, 2016
A day for mourning and a day for rejoicing
Everyone has days that are special for them in one way or another. Remembrances of special things that have happened, whether happy or sad. Life is full of ups and downs and we are given daily reminders of this truth. However, occasionally one day can hold both good and bad memories. Today is such a day for me. March nineteenth will always be special in my heart; very special. I always hold this date dear because of two things that happened, or didn't happen to me.
The first reminder I have for this precious day is the remembrance of an empty womb. March 19, 1998 was the day that I was due to deliver my second child. What a joyous day that would have been! Instead of joy however, for me it was a day of great sadness. My child was not born on March 19th, in fact he was not born at all. Almost half way through my pregnancy, on one October day I got scared of what was to come, evoked my "right to chose" and had an abortion. It wasn't exactly the easy choice that I was assured it would be. The promises that women are told are complete lies and I am living proof.
I think of my child, Joshua Daniel, often. I wonder what he might have looked like. I consider what his voice would sound like and what would his personality be. Would he be funny or serious? Perhaps he would be a great thinker. Maybe he would be the silliest kid on earth and keep me rolling in laughter. These are things that I will never know but forever question in my heart. This day reminds me of my own selfishness and an empty womb. A child forever lost.
However, this day brings great joy to me as well. Later on in my life I had asked God to forgive me for my abortion and he healed me of so much pain that accompanied it. I was later happily married and beginning to deal with the pain that was associated with my bad choices in my younger years. God wanted to bless me and show me that He loved me even still. My husband and I found out that we were going to have another baby. My due date for this child... March 19th!
I really struggled with this date being when my daughter was due at first. I felt guilt from my abortion and having another child due on the very same day caused me even more guilt. Through prayer and guidance from other Christians I can now see that God was allowing my children to share the same due date to show me that everything was going to be ok. It was like a giant hug from heaven, both from God and my precious son who is there waiting on me to join him. My story is a reminder that pain lasts through the night but joy comes in the morning!
As if right on cue, I went into labor with my daughter in the evening on March 19th. It was a long night of labor but by morning, we had our precious baby girl. She will be 17 years old tomorrow and she amazes me constantly. She has grown into a beautiful amazing young woman and I am so very proud of her. She brings not only me, but her father and many other people such joy. I am honored to be her mom and so very excited to celebrate her birth and her life. I hope she knows just how precious she is. God has shown me so much through her life.
As I wrote earlier, my life reminds me that no matter how much pain we are in, joy comes in the morning. Today I remember my son. I no longer feel shame and guilt because of his death but I know him as my son and say a prayer asking God to tell him hello for me and that I love and miss him. Tomorrow I celebrate the precious life of my daughter and tell her how special and how loved she is. Happy birthday baby girl, I'm so glad that God allowed me to be your mom. <3 <3 <3
The first reminder I have for this precious day is the remembrance of an empty womb. March 19, 1998 was the day that I was due to deliver my second child. What a joyous day that would have been! Instead of joy however, for me it was a day of great sadness. My child was not born on March 19th, in fact he was not born at all. Almost half way through my pregnancy, on one October day I got scared of what was to come, evoked my "right to chose" and had an abortion. It wasn't exactly the easy choice that I was assured it would be. The promises that women are told are complete lies and I am living proof.
I think of my child, Joshua Daniel, often. I wonder what he might have looked like. I consider what his voice would sound like and what would his personality be. Would he be funny or serious? Perhaps he would be a great thinker. Maybe he would be the silliest kid on earth and keep me rolling in laughter. These are things that I will never know but forever question in my heart. This day reminds me of my own selfishness and an empty womb. A child forever lost.
However, this day brings great joy to me as well. Later on in my life I had asked God to forgive me for my abortion and he healed me of so much pain that accompanied it. I was later happily married and beginning to deal with the pain that was associated with my bad choices in my younger years. God wanted to bless me and show me that He loved me even still. My husband and I found out that we were going to have another baby. My due date for this child... March 19th!
I really struggled with this date being when my daughter was due at first. I felt guilt from my abortion and having another child due on the very same day caused me even more guilt. Through prayer and guidance from other Christians I can now see that God was allowing my children to share the same due date to show me that everything was going to be ok. It was like a giant hug from heaven, both from God and my precious son who is there waiting on me to join him. My story is a reminder that pain lasts through the night but joy comes in the morning!
As if right on cue, I went into labor with my daughter in the evening on March 19th. It was a long night of labor but by morning, we had our precious baby girl. She will be 17 years old tomorrow and she amazes me constantly. She has grown into a beautiful amazing young woman and I am so very proud of her. She brings not only me, but her father and many other people such joy. I am honored to be her mom and so very excited to celebrate her birth and her life. I hope she knows just how precious she is. God has shown me so much through her life.
As I wrote earlier, my life reminds me that no matter how much pain we are in, joy comes in the morning. Today I remember my son. I no longer feel shame and guilt because of his death but I know him as my son and say a prayer asking God to tell him hello for me and that I love and miss him. Tomorrow I celebrate the precious life of my daughter and tell her how special and how loved she is. Happy birthday baby girl, I'm so glad that God allowed me to be your mom. <3 <3 <3
Monday, February 29, 2016
Blah...
This morning I am struggling with many emotions and none of them are good.
Sad.
Worthless.
Angry.
Hurt.
Alone.
Grumpy.
Anxious.
Depressed.
I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the point. There is no reason for me to feel this way; I just do. There are things deep in my heart that are concerning me or have given me a reason to be upset, but nothing major and mostly just me being human. But my problem is whether I have a reason for these feelings or not, they are present.
There was a time in my life when I would have taken these feelings and spent the entire day making sure that everyone knew that I was upset and making them pay for it, even when I knew it was not their bill to pay. I apologize to all of my friends and family who have fallen victim to that bad attitude of mine.
What I will attempt to do today instead is to focus on God. He says "This is the day that Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it!" (Psalm 11:24). He also says that He "knows the plans that He has for me, plans for prosper not my harm; to give me a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). So many other places where He has given this same type of promise; these are what I need to listen to.
For no reason whatsoever today is a rough day. My heart is just not in living this day out. But I will keep my focus on God and pray that He gives me some joy. You have to get through the tough to make it to the good times. I will keep pushing on. There's my thought for today. Hope everyone else is having a great day today :) <3
Sad.
Worthless.
Angry.
Hurt.
Alone.
Grumpy.
Anxious.
Depressed.
I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the point. There is no reason for me to feel this way; I just do. There are things deep in my heart that are concerning me or have given me a reason to be upset, but nothing major and mostly just me being human. But my problem is whether I have a reason for these feelings or not, they are present.
There was a time in my life when I would have taken these feelings and spent the entire day making sure that everyone knew that I was upset and making them pay for it, even when I knew it was not their bill to pay. I apologize to all of my friends and family who have fallen victim to that bad attitude of mine.
What I will attempt to do today instead is to focus on God. He says "This is the day that Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it!" (Psalm 11:24). He also says that He "knows the plans that He has for me, plans for prosper not my harm; to give me a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). So many other places where He has given this same type of promise; these are what I need to listen to.
For no reason whatsoever today is a rough day. My heart is just not in living this day out. But I will keep my focus on God and pray that He gives me some joy. You have to get through the tough to make it to the good times. I will keep pushing on. There's my thought for today. Hope everyone else is having a great day today :) <3
Monday, February 22, 2016
The Same Power
I'd say "Good morning" but that might be a lie. I have no reason at all for this but my morning has not been "good". My morning has been ok; nothing terrible has happened, but it's my attitude that is not the best. For some reason, unknown to me, I feel hopeless inside. There is no reason for this feeling, so I am fighting it.
As I have gone about my morning I have had a song going through my mind. This happens often as I love music and always have, but this morning the song going through my mind is, I'm sure, a message from God. I believe the song is by Jeremy Camp and although I know the whole song it is the one line that keeps repeating in my mind; "The same power that rose Jesus from the dead is in us, is in us."
As I am singing this I am remembering the good in life. I am in my home right now doing chores; dishes, taking out the trash, picking up after kids and dogs, laundry, all mundane things, but I am enjoying them. Why am I enjoying them, you might ask. Because I love being a stay at home mom. I have also had the thoughts going through my mind that this will not last much longer as I have to find a full time job and things will change for my family. I have a part time job now, but I have been a stay at home mom since my kids were babies, now I will be a full time working mom. I wont be able to leave and take them where ever they need to go. I wont be able to run lunches to school when they forget. I wont even be able to take them to the doctor when they need to go. This will be a hard change for my whole family. I could easily complain about that this morning, but I will instead be grateful for the many years that I've had it. I praise God for allowing me to be at home with my babies for most of their early years.
This song, however also reminds me of other things. I have friends and family members struggling with some very hard things. I have had similar struggles (and still do!) But this song reminds me that I am not alone. So often I feel so alone in life, like I'm walking through my hard times while everyone else is laughing and having a good time. But that is not the case; in fact that is a lie straight from Satan to keep me depressed and down. Not only am I not alone, but I have the very same power to help me that raised Jesus from the dead... read that again... from the DEAD!! There is no greater power!! The very same God that we read about in the Bible is the very same God that is in us today. We have nothing to fear!
It does not matter if we're struggling with feeling alone, finding the right way, or having too much put on us, we have the power to overcome when we trust in God. It gives me shivers to think about this amazing fact! It is so hard to see at times, but whatever the problem, He is always with us, walking us through; holding our hand and guiding us, We only need to look to Him. The problem is we have to look past the huge problem that we're facing, but it can be done. Let me add some verses from His Word to remind us of this truth...
Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you."
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Romans 8:28 For we know that all things work together for His good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your path straight.
There are so many more but I will stop for now. He is so good! I love how a bad attitude can be changed in a moment of praise. Our trials in this world are short. They are hard and exhausting, but God is os much bigger. When we focus on Him they begin to fade away. They are still very present in our lives, but they fade because God takes the load onto Himself and off of us. Praise Him today and look to Him for your struggles!!
As I have gone about my morning I have had a song going through my mind. This happens often as I love music and always have, but this morning the song going through my mind is, I'm sure, a message from God. I believe the song is by Jeremy Camp and although I know the whole song it is the one line that keeps repeating in my mind; "The same power that rose Jesus from the dead is in us, is in us."
As I am singing this I am remembering the good in life. I am in my home right now doing chores; dishes, taking out the trash, picking up after kids and dogs, laundry, all mundane things, but I am enjoying them. Why am I enjoying them, you might ask. Because I love being a stay at home mom. I have also had the thoughts going through my mind that this will not last much longer as I have to find a full time job and things will change for my family. I have a part time job now, but I have been a stay at home mom since my kids were babies, now I will be a full time working mom. I wont be able to leave and take them where ever they need to go. I wont be able to run lunches to school when they forget. I wont even be able to take them to the doctor when they need to go. This will be a hard change for my whole family. I could easily complain about that this morning, but I will instead be grateful for the many years that I've had it. I praise God for allowing me to be at home with my babies for most of their early years.
This song, however also reminds me of other things. I have friends and family members struggling with some very hard things. I have had similar struggles (and still do!) But this song reminds me that I am not alone. So often I feel so alone in life, like I'm walking through my hard times while everyone else is laughing and having a good time. But that is not the case; in fact that is a lie straight from Satan to keep me depressed and down. Not only am I not alone, but I have the very same power to help me that raised Jesus from the dead... read that again... from the DEAD!! There is no greater power!! The very same God that we read about in the Bible is the very same God that is in us today. We have nothing to fear!
It does not matter if we're struggling with feeling alone, finding the right way, or having too much put on us, we have the power to overcome when we trust in God. It gives me shivers to think about this amazing fact! It is so hard to see at times, but whatever the problem, He is always with us, walking us through; holding our hand and guiding us, We only need to look to Him. The problem is we have to look past the huge problem that we're facing, but it can be done. Let me add some verses from His Word to remind us of this truth...
Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you."
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Romans 8:28 For we know that all things work together for His good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your path straight.
There are so many more but I will stop for now. He is so good! I love how a bad attitude can be changed in a moment of praise. Our trials in this world are short. They are hard and exhausting, but God is os much bigger. When we focus on Him they begin to fade away. They are still very present in our lives, but they fade because God takes the load onto Himself and off of us. Praise Him today and look to Him for your struggles!!
Sunday, February 7, 2016
How He Loves
This morning I am in awe thinking of how God loves me. This has been a struggle my entire life because I have always felt unworthy of love. However, then I was saved and am always told how much God loves me. I always come back with the one word question, "Why?" I have spent my whole life feeling completely unloved and unaccepted, how can this God love me? Or more importantly, why would He?
I am quite certain that I have shared on here that my childhood was not the best one could experience. I spent a lot of time feeling unloved, unappreciated and just plain worthless. Actually, I was told these things numerous times by people who were supposed to be my support. A shy little girl would have no choice but to grow up believing herself to be worthless when faced with what I had to endure.
However, having been a Christian for 18 years now I can say that while I may still not understand why or how, I know that my amazing God has a love for me that I will never be able to fully comprehend. I do not know this because I am told this, but because I can feel it. When I am weak and scared, I feel His arms wrap around me. When I am mad I hear a still soft voice telling me to trust in Him. When I cant trust in anything else, I know without a shadow of a doubt that He loves me more than I will ever even know.
The why and how that I do not understand does not matter. That is so hard for me to wrap my mind around but it is truth. Whether I feel worthy or not, God loves me. Whether I understand just how much He loves me, He still loves me. As my favorite song says...
I am quite certain that I have shared on here that my childhood was not the best one could experience. I spent a lot of time feeling unloved, unappreciated and just plain worthless. Actually, I was told these things numerous times by people who were supposed to be my support. A shy little girl would have no choice but to grow up believing herself to be worthless when faced with what I had to endure.
However, having been a Christian for 18 years now I can say that while I may still not understand why or how, I know that my amazing God has a love for me that I will never be able to fully comprehend. I do not know this because I am told this, but because I can feel it. When I am weak and scared, I feel His arms wrap around me. When I am mad I hear a still soft voice telling me to trust in Him. When I cant trust in anything else, I know without a shadow of a doubt that He loves me more than I will ever even know.
The why and how that I do not understand does not matter. That is so hard for me to wrap my mind around but it is truth. Whether I feel worthy or not, God loves me. Whether I understand just how much He loves me, He still loves me. As my favorite song says...
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind an mercy
Think on those amazing words for a minute. Consider a hurricane; the power of the winds and the forces of nature. I am a tree in the middle this amazing storm, bending at the amounts of love that He is pouring out all around me. The metal image that this song paints for me amazes me every time I hear it. In my mind I see myself as a tree, fragile and in tears; struggling in life. All the while, God's love is pouring out so strong all around me. When I focus on Him I can clearly see the hurricane force winds pounding my heart so strong that I cannot stand in His presence. His love, while I will never comprehend it fully, amazes me.
I am posting a link to this song so you can listen to it. It is called "How He Loves" by David Crowder. Take a minute, close your eyes and imagine yourself as this tree in the midst of a hurricane of God's love. Think for a minute on just how amazing He is. Our God is so awesome!
Monday, February 1, 2016
Identity
From as far back as I can remember I have struggled with my own identity. I do not remember one point in my life when I knew exactly where I belonged and who I was. This is something that I've hoped, wish and begged God for; some sort of peace and comfort in being able to identify with someone, somewhere.
When I was three years old, my dad, brother and I moved in with my grandma. This is the pace that I loved to be. However it did not last long. My dad remarried and we moved to a different town. I was a shy little girl in first grade and did not know how to make new friends, so I sat alone most days. By the time that I was a bit older I had made some new friends, I even had a few that I considered best friends, but my home life was not good so that desperate need lingered and I was miserable from deep within. I was never taught how to handle my feelings or how to deal with anything, I was simply left as worthless, which was exactly how I felt.
When I was older I thought for sure that if I lived with my mom I would find my place in this world, so once again I moved, this time three hours away. a quarter of the way through my eighth grade year I started a new life with my mom. I was very happy to be with her, but school life was not good. The kids had already formed relationships and I was the oddball. Still the shy little girl inside, I just kept to myself and took all of the ridicule and bullying that came my way. By this point in my life, I was sure that I was worthless as I had always been taught. But I was going to change and find my way.
The next fall, when I started high school was my big break; or so I thought. This was where I would find myself. The town we lived in was big, so the high school was a combination of three different middle schools, this was all new kids and I was going to force myself to break out of my shell. So that is exactly what I did. I made friends, had boyfriends, and hung out having fun. The only problem is that it still did not satisfy my need for feeling like I belong.
After high school I didn't do too bad, I worked two jobs, moved out and got married and attempted to start a life. But when problems arose, I was gone. That started a long time of going back and forth trying to find where "home" was. I'd go to southern Ohio (where I was raised), then go back to central Ohio thinking that must be home. Only to find that whatever it was I was looking for was not there.
I felt as if there were no place that I belonged and that I must truly be worthless. Then one day I found out I was pregnant. I had my first son alone and decided him and I would start a life and surely now I had worth; I belonged with my son. I was saved a year later, joined a church and met my husband. We had more kids and I quit my job to be a full time house wife and home school mom. I was positive that I had found where I belonged. I poured my whole heart and life into my family. I was warned by many to continue to have a life for myself but I did not heed these warnings.
While raising my kids and caring for my family I felt the most needed, accepted and wanted than I ever have in my life. I thought that must be what I was created to do. That is such a wonderful thought; however there is a flaw in this as well. Kids grow up; my job was to help them grow so that they could have their own life, not be MY life. They have done that. They are not all grown yet, but they are all old enough to be their own people; one had already graduated and began his own life apart from us. My children are wonderful and I am so very proud of them. But I have recently realized that while they are a huge part of my life, they also are not my identity.
So now here I am, 41 years old and still not sure who I am or where I belong. I feel as though I have wasted my entire life looking for something that is not there. I regret that. For now I am finally starting to realize that my identity is not in who accepts me, where I live, or my circumstances. My identity is in my amazing God. He created me. He loves me and has a purpose for me regardless of if I or anyone else can see it. I have not learned how to accept myself but I am finally trying. I pray that God takes my life and uses me. I pray that God helps me to see my identity in Him. Also, my reason in writing this is that I pray that God will use my life-long struggle to help others to see that they have worth in Him as well. We are His. We need to look to Him for our identity, not to anything or anyone else.
When I was three years old, my dad, brother and I moved in with my grandma. This is the pace that I loved to be. However it did not last long. My dad remarried and we moved to a different town. I was a shy little girl in first grade and did not know how to make new friends, so I sat alone most days. By the time that I was a bit older I had made some new friends, I even had a few that I considered best friends, but my home life was not good so that desperate need lingered and I was miserable from deep within. I was never taught how to handle my feelings or how to deal with anything, I was simply left as worthless, which was exactly how I felt.
When I was older I thought for sure that if I lived with my mom I would find my place in this world, so once again I moved, this time three hours away. a quarter of the way through my eighth grade year I started a new life with my mom. I was very happy to be with her, but school life was not good. The kids had already formed relationships and I was the oddball. Still the shy little girl inside, I just kept to myself and took all of the ridicule and bullying that came my way. By this point in my life, I was sure that I was worthless as I had always been taught. But I was going to change and find my way.
The next fall, when I started high school was my big break; or so I thought. This was where I would find myself. The town we lived in was big, so the high school was a combination of three different middle schools, this was all new kids and I was going to force myself to break out of my shell. So that is exactly what I did. I made friends, had boyfriends, and hung out having fun. The only problem is that it still did not satisfy my need for feeling like I belong.
After high school I didn't do too bad, I worked two jobs, moved out and got married and attempted to start a life. But when problems arose, I was gone. That started a long time of going back and forth trying to find where "home" was. I'd go to southern Ohio (where I was raised), then go back to central Ohio thinking that must be home. Only to find that whatever it was I was looking for was not there.
I felt as if there were no place that I belonged and that I must truly be worthless. Then one day I found out I was pregnant. I had my first son alone and decided him and I would start a life and surely now I had worth; I belonged with my son. I was saved a year later, joined a church and met my husband. We had more kids and I quit my job to be a full time house wife and home school mom. I was positive that I had found where I belonged. I poured my whole heart and life into my family. I was warned by many to continue to have a life for myself but I did not heed these warnings.
While raising my kids and caring for my family I felt the most needed, accepted and wanted than I ever have in my life. I thought that must be what I was created to do. That is such a wonderful thought; however there is a flaw in this as well. Kids grow up; my job was to help them grow so that they could have their own life, not be MY life. They have done that. They are not all grown yet, but they are all old enough to be their own people; one had already graduated and began his own life apart from us. My children are wonderful and I am so very proud of them. But I have recently realized that while they are a huge part of my life, they also are not my identity.
So now here I am, 41 years old and still not sure who I am or where I belong. I feel as though I have wasted my entire life looking for something that is not there. I regret that. For now I am finally starting to realize that my identity is not in who accepts me, where I live, or my circumstances. My identity is in my amazing God. He created me. He loves me and has a purpose for me regardless of if I or anyone else can see it. I have not learned how to accept myself but I am finally trying. I pray that God takes my life and uses me. I pray that God helps me to see my identity in Him. Also, my reason in writing this is that I pray that God will use my life-long struggle to help others to see that they have worth in Him as well. We are His. We need to look to Him for our identity, not to anything or anyone else.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Larry Bussa January 1, 1947- January 29, 2015
I'll re-live these days every year, most likely for the rest of my life. It was the most heart-wrenching joyous occasion I've ever experienced. Heart-wrenching for me, joyous for him. I would be lying if I were to even attempt to say that it is not heavy on my mind on this night, the eve of the anniversary of my dad's death.
A large part of our state had experienced a very bad snow storm over the weekend. However, what followed the storm was even worse. Not only were we covered in snow, but we now were dealing with extremely low temperatures, colder than what any of us were used to with wind chills that made it unbearable. I am pretty certain that Alaska was warmer than Ohio during this week. My dad would have gotten a kick out of knowing that he left during this weather, as if to say that he most certainly had had enough and was completely done with this crazy Ohio weather. I have always hated cold and snow for two reasons; one because I was cold-blooded and always freezing and two because it's how my daddy taught me to think. In our house when I was growing up, snow was a bad word.
When Hospice called the family in for my dad, I was stuck at my home almost three hours away. I was devastated that I could not be by his side. I had spent the previous three years running down to my hometown, Portsmouth, Ohio every time he would take a turn for the worse. When I was at my house and not able to be by his side I was calling Hospice nurses and family members to check up on him and see how he was doing. He had always said that he did not want to live in a miserable state, but circumstances made him live for three years in misery. Now it was time for him to be called home to Heaven and finally be out of misery and because of horrible weather, I was not going to be able to hold his hand one last time and tell him goodbye. It was all that I wanted.
Finally there was a break in the weather, roads were cleared, and I was able to make the trip to be by my daddy's side. I could not get there fast enough. I do not remember much about the trip, only that I had to get down there. Finally, after a very long, exhausting trip, I arrived and joined my daddy as he lay on what would be his death bed.
I had prepared myself for what I would see. I had seen people in their final stages of life many times before, but there is just something different when the person you are looking at is the person that you had looked up to your entire life. As I entered the room I saw a shell of a man. He was no longer coherent nor did he wake up at all. His body was there, sleeping, but my daddy was already gone.
Two nights before he died, my dad saw his welcoming party into the spiritual realm. We watched as the man who had previously done nothing but slept opened his eyes. But his eyes weren't open to the world around us, rather the world that he was about to enter. There was a joy that surrounded my dad that I had never seen before. He looked straight above him constantly and held a huge smile on his face. There were times that he lifted his body in a way that was not humanly possible. The last traces of his man's strength had left his body weeks ago, yet he was lifting himself out of bed. He was not lifting in a normal way, but straight up instead. I am certain that my dad saw Heaven that night, Jesus along with his parents and possibly many others were welcoming him home, no one can ever convince me otherwise. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
The days were full of visiting with old friends and long-lost family members. It was so good to see them all again and spend time with them. We sat and talked, we laughed about old times, it was a wonderful time of reminiscing. But it was always in the back of my mind that we were there for another reason; it was all too real that any minute we would be rushing to my dad's bedside to hold his hand as he drew his final breathes.
That moment came on Wednesday afternoon. My husband and my daughter were on their way to join us and they arrived just in time. By the time that they walked in, the rest of us had already gathered around dad, we were all well aware that his time on this earth was complete. We watched as his breathing slowed and finally stopped. I remember watching his chest slowly move up and down, then stop, then slow a few more times. They had warned us that he could stop breathing for a time then start back up. His nurse had told me to count between breaths and that it could be up to twenty seconds before the next. That is exactly how it happened. First it was about five seconds, then ten, then twenty, and finally, there were no more breaths taken. I sat by his side the entire time, held his hand and counted his breaths, maybe he had done the same for me as I entered the world that he was now leaving.
My world would never be the same. My daddy was gone. We had been through so much in life; so many ups and downs, but it was all over now. He was gone. Yet I could still praise God. Thought my dad was no longer here with me, I knew that he was still ok. He had entered Heaven. He was with Jesus and all of our loved ones who had already gone before him. He was finally out of the pain and misery that he had been forced to endure for so long. He was ok. I hold on to that and have a great peace when I think of him. I praise God for my dad. I praise God that He allowed me to make the trip and be by his side as he died. I praise God that one day I will go and be by my dad's side again. He is waiting for me and it will be a wonderful reunion. As I used to sing in church while standing beside my daddy, "When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!" I look forward to that day. Until then, I love you and miss you daddy.
Larry Bussa January 1, 1947- January 29, 2015
A large part of our state had experienced a very bad snow storm over the weekend. However, what followed the storm was even worse. Not only were we covered in snow, but we now were dealing with extremely low temperatures, colder than what any of us were used to with wind chills that made it unbearable. I am pretty certain that Alaska was warmer than Ohio during this week. My dad would have gotten a kick out of knowing that he left during this weather, as if to say that he most certainly had had enough and was completely done with this crazy Ohio weather. I have always hated cold and snow for two reasons; one because I was cold-blooded and always freezing and two because it's how my daddy taught me to think. In our house when I was growing up, snow was a bad word.
When Hospice called the family in for my dad, I was stuck at my home almost three hours away. I was devastated that I could not be by his side. I had spent the previous three years running down to my hometown, Portsmouth, Ohio every time he would take a turn for the worse. When I was at my house and not able to be by his side I was calling Hospice nurses and family members to check up on him and see how he was doing. He had always said that he did not want to live in a miserable state, but circumstances made him live for three years in misery. Now it was time for him to be called home to Heaven and finally be out of misery and because of horrible weather, I was not going to be able to hold his hand one last time and tell him goodbye. It was all that I wanted.
Finally there was a break in the weather, roads were cleared, and I was able to make the trip to be by my daddy's side. I could not get there fast enough. I do not remember much about the trip, only that I had to get down there. Finally, after a very long, exhausting trip, I arrived and joined my daddy as he lay on what would be his death bed.
I had prepared myself for what I would see. I had seen people in their final stages of life many times before, but there is just something different when the person you are looking at is the person that you had looked up to your entire life. As I entered the room I saw a shell of a man. He was no longer coherent nor did he wake up at all. His body was there, sleeping, but my daddy was already gone.
Two nights before he died, my dad saw his welcoming party into the spiritual realm. We watched as the man who had previously done nothing but slept opened his eyes. But his eyes weren't open to the world around us, rather the world that he was about to enter. There was a joy that surrounded my dad that I had never seen before. He looked straight above him constantly and held a huge smile on his face. There were times that he lifted his body in a way that was not humanly possible. The last traces of his man's strength had left his body weeks ago, yet he was lifting himself out of bed. He was not lifting in a normal way, but straight up instead. I am certain that my dad saw Heaven that night, Jesus along with his parents and possibly many others were welcoming him home, no one can ever convince me otherwise. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
The days were full of visiting with old friends and long-lost family members. It was so good to see them all again and spend time with them. We sat and talked, we laughed about old times, it was a wonderful time of reminiscing. But it was always in the back of my mind that we were there for another reason; it was all too real that any minute we would be rushing to my dad's bedside to hold his hand as he drew his final breathes.
That moment came on Wednesday afternoon. My husband and my daughter were on their way to join us and they arrived just in time. By the time that they walked in, the rest of us had already gathered around dad, we were all well aware that his time on this earth was complete. We watched as his breathing slowed and finally stopped. I remember watching his chest slowly move up and down, then stop, then slow a few more times. They had warned us that he could stop breathing for a time then start back up. His nurse had told me to count between breaths and that it could be up to twenty seconds before the next. That is exactly how it happened. First it was about five seconds, then ten, then twenty, and finally, there were no more breaths taken. I sat by his side the entire time, held his hand and counted his breaths, maybe he had done the same for me as I entered the world that he was now leaving.
My world would never be the same. My daddy was gone. We had been through so much in life; so many ups and downs, but it was all over now. He was gone. Yet I could still praise God. Thought my dad was no longer here with me, I knew that he was still ok. He had entered Heaven. He was with Jesus and all of our loved ones who had already gone before him. He was finally out of the pain and misery that he had been forced to endure for so long. He was ok. I hold on to that and have a great peace when I think of him. I praise God for my dad. I praise God that He allowed me to make the trip and be by his side as he died. I praise God that one day I will go and be by my dad's side again. He is waiting for me and it will be a wonderful reunion. As I used to sing in church while standing beside my daddy, "When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!" I look forward to that day. Until then, I love you and miss you daddy.
Larry Bussa January 1, 1947- January 29, 2015
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)